Did u end a relationship because of a particular incident or an accumulation of incidents?

[Mrsbitbleedinbonkers]

My relationship with dp is breaking down. A lot of it is my fault. Dp is quite, poor communicator, not being horrible but he's very surface, in his own words, ' We're alright'. We're not alright...

I'm deeply unhappy. Have been for about 9 years. I kept thinking if I was a better partner. If i stopped moaning. If i kept the house better. If i parented/ disciplined the dc better. If i was more sexy. If i was perfect then he'd respond better... A failed relationship was not an option. I don't know if that makes any sense but it's how I viewed my situation.

Slowly I've started to resent & dislike dp. He hasn't supported me in really difficult situations. I'm talking our ds being diagnosed with ASD. He wouldn't take part in the assessment & didn't attend the diagnosis appointment. Our other ds is displaying social delays but he won't discuss it. We never talk about anything. I talk & get angry as he wont talk to me.

We've nothing common. Due to ds we never go out together. He would want to go to a pub but i don't drink. If i don't organise stuff nothing happens... last time we went out was Dec 2009, seriously!!

He's always been quiet & passive but now I percieve that as indifferent & uninterested. Maybe it's really just me not accepting how he is & always has been.He's always been a bit aloof...

I don't even know why I'm posting but I haven't got a particular reason to split with dp - it's more like 'everything' rather than a 'thing' iyswim!

I've no one to talk to how do i make sense of how i feel? How do I decide what to do about dp? I have told him all this...he didn't respond - as usual!

The only reason you need is that you are unhappy,and have been for years. You've discussed it with him (or told him while he said nothing), he appears not to care if you are unhappy ... What is there left to say?

In my view relationships don't "fail", they end when they no longer meet everyone's needs, or when you want to go different directions in life.

Can you picture your day to day life without him? What does that look like? Think about the practical, financial and emotional benefits and losses. Maybe it us the right thing to do or maybe now is not the right time and you need to prepare and plan for separating. It would be a massive adjustment and you need to be sure it will leave you happier.

He sounds as though he needs some counselling around the sn dx. It's not unusual for partners who are not as involved in the assessments to struggle with dx, or disbelieve dx, or see it somehow as a slight upon their parenting/ genes/ do the whole guilt trip thing and then the ostrich impression to save having to deal with it.

V common, in fact. Often it leads to separation (loads of families with sn kids break up, either for this reason, or the overall stress, or because one partner (you) feels involved and is pissed to be doing everything whilst the other one buries their head in the sand). Sometimes the parent who is doing the main assessment piece becomes completely absorbed in their role as their child's advocate, feels they can't go out because no one can be relied upon to provide care for dc with sn, etc etc. it's very easy to grow apart.

I would suggest you both going to counselling to get stuff into the open and make your decisions from there.

He sounds as though he's quite happy and doesn't want to rock the boat, really.

You can try and get things in a better place, with dates, talking, and trying to get to know each other again, or you could just walk and join the statistics. Being unhappy for 9 years is no good, obviously. But there must have been a reason you got together in the first place? And especially if he's always been quiet and passive, it seems a bit unfair to ditch him for that reason?

If I understand correctly, both your DS are showing signs of lacking social skills. Could they have inherited it from their dad? If so it might help you to understand what is really going on better with your relationship dynamics.

I don't want to be an armchair psychologist but ASD in your partner sprang to mind before I even saw your son was being assessed. I also have two children going through assessment and looking at their father (now I am not with him) it makes me think he is too.
The relationship in my case was never going to work much as I tried and wanted it to. (By the end I wanted out but he wasn't easy to get rid off but that's another thread..)
I would have had to accept.
never going out
him taking no interest in me
silence - not pa or stonewalling. He just couldn't make conversation.
His heavy drinking (a crutch for his social awkwardness)
lack of support. If I was ill and couldn't look after the children he would still bugger off to his workshop
So my relationship wasn't ok either.

Looking back I get angry with myself for putting up with so little for so long.
He wasn't unfaithful. He wasn't violent. He was EA and particularly nasty when I left but like you in the main it was nothing and everything wrong with the relationship. I had no joy in life.
oh and holidays were a waste of time too. Life was miserable with him in it.
The children don't miss him. He never engaged with them anyway.
Life is so much better without him. I am not very good at advice. Just wanted to share my story as this on its own may help.

I don't think it really matters why others ended a relationship. This is your life and only you can decide what's right for you. If you're chronically unhappy and have realised you've made a bad choice of partner then neither of you are in the wrong, you're just wrong for each other. Incompatible. It's sad but it happens.

If he doesn't want to talk then you haven't got many options remaining to you. Counselling won't work, for example. Suggest you get legal advice, make some inquiries, and then present him with the reality.

Yes, ASD before I got halfway through your opening post. I have it, I see it all around in my family. It doesn't mean you can live with it, or should. Unless you both want to, in which case you will both need to work on it and it seems he won't engage.

Thankyou for your replies, great to have different perspectives.

The ASD is very prominent in my family. My dad & brother have Aspergers. Dp doesn't. Dp grew up in a chaotic, violent & alcoholic household. He was damaged by his parents. So he can't stand confrontation or arguments. He's dealing with our situation by making himself as small & as invisible as possible. Just as he did when he was 6.

I admit I did completely absorbed with ds & his needs at the time. He was diagnosed 4 years ago. Everything is set up & organised so ds is more time & energy consuming then most dc of his age but he's much more manageable. I asked dp to take over medical appointments & i would do education appointments or vice versa but he wouldn't.

He just doesn't do anything he doesn't want to or if it makes him uncomfortable. I end up doing everything. I have increasingly resented him for this.

Our lives have changed so much that who we were when we met isn't relative anymore.

There is a part of me that considers by us parting that I have failed. I don't know how to put issues to rest. Times when I desperately needed his support or care but he let me down. We can't move forward until i do.

I see a counsellor to do with ds. Dp won't come. Dp won't attend relate.

It's incredibly difficult. I wish i knew how to fix this.

He has no interest in helping you. It's not a failure to end a relationship which doesn't make you happy.

How do i know I've tried hard enough for long enough?

How or why is enough reason to dismantle a family...I'm the only person unhappy?

The dc are unaware. The younger dc is aware i get sad but not why.

I suppose selfishly I'm worried I might even be unhappier on my own then with dp. I'm very isolated. No family & very few friends. It's impossible to socialise with the boys. It's very lonely.

But the misery you feel will eventually filter down to everyone around you.
How will it 'get better' if he thinks you are ok as you are. Don't waste your glory years. I did.

Children who are aware their parents are sad but don't know why will often internalise it as their fault. They can believe there's something wrong with them, that they've done something wrong, or that it's their responsibility to cheer everyone up.

Which leads on to saying that your happiness is your responsibility. Only you can judge if you've given it a fair shot. But if you are unhappy, isolated, lonely and your partner is providing you with neither companionship, affection or support then eliminating him is just part of a bigger exercise that's going to involve developing your social circle and so on.

You are important as well. Before you know it the kids will be grown up and you'll have wasted the best years of your life on someone who doesn't deserve you.

I was on my own for many years before I met dp. With my dc it would be impossible to 'date' or have a regular social life so I know by ending the relationship with dp I will really be on my own.

I'm not bothered about all that, I can't imagine even wanting another partner it's more about my family & making decisions that will affect all of us.

My best years are long gone!! My older ds is very unlikely to live independently. Hopefully the younger one will...i don't have the same choices as other people.Well, I do but the redresults have a different impact.

Dp is working today. It's pouring with rain & the ds' haven't stopped arguing since 6am. Only 9 days until ds goes back to school...