What should I do?

[deedo]

Some background my DH and I have been married for 8 years together 15. We have on DS (toddler), things have been fraught since we had our son, sex in nonexistent and we are massively mismatched in terms of salary and career.

Any way, a couple of weeks ago an immediate family member was taken seriously ill and my husband has been extraordinarily good at looking after them, when the rest of his family has been rubbish. This is amazing, but he seems unaware of the impact that it has had on the rest of us. I have gone from feeling generally lumbered with housework, spending etc... To feeling like I am a mug - I think the situation has made me realise that we do not supply each other with any emotional support and that he is so solitary by nature that I am very unimportant to him.

We have argued twice today and both times we have been verbally vicious with each other. I have just told him that I feel like a mug and that I am lumbered. He told me to F off and that my timing was 'brilliant'. What do I do when he gets back? Do I try and explain or do I apologies and swallow my concern due to the illness of family and the fact that I should be " more supportive" I am knackered and fed up and lost!

I'm sorry Op , I've been on both sides of this , I've had a terminally ill in law and also had a terminally ill parent. I'm afraid I think your being incredibly selfish about this. I would absolutely expect my partner to pick up the domestic slack if I was dealing with a seriously ill relative. If you haven't dealt with this you've no idea how emotionally draining it is having to support someone through a serious illness.

Now is not the time , at all , to raise these sorts of issues and doing so could well cause serious long term resentment.

If I understand it correctly, he's taking care of a relative that nobody else has had time for.
You are usually lumbered with housework, not just now? And feel a mug because if he's capable of taking such good care of a relative, then he should have been equally supportive at home?

Is his care of the relative that essential?

I suspect you are right ( hence the post) I might be selfish, I am cross and feel like he has never had time to support me but now he has made time to really wonderfully take care of this family member... I suspect I am also a little jealous, bizarrely ......I am not denying any of these things... As I said I am knackered and lost and have lost my temper and feel pretty crap about myself... Hence the ask...

It is difficult to deal with as effectively your a single parent while this is going on. I don't think it's wrong to feel that way. Perhaps not the best time to say it though. Sometimes , depending on family dynamics , one person gets lumbered , or volunteers , to do all the caring , and other family members happily let them get on with it.

It didn't bother me when my in law was very ill as my spouse has always been very supportive. I've had a previous relationship though where I was expected to hold the fort while he played the hero visiting ill distant relatives he bareley knew.

Thanks - I need to sort myself out and just be supportive. He is a nice guy and we are both busy, work ft and are operated at a strength at the best of times! I feel like a total bitch and agree that it is bang to rights that I do!

I think you're being too hard on yourself - yes it's great he's looking after his relative, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be on the receiving end of his care also. Don't get what you mean about the difference in your careers and salary. What is the difference and what impact does it have?

Think the thing is to remember hes not going to be caring for the relative forever and that a bit of adaption to both your routines isnt going to be permanent. Any harsh words that are said may cause future problems, hopefully now you have told him how you feel he may start to put your feelings a bit more into perspective, but i also think you need to give him a bit of slack aswell must be a terrible thing to care for a seriously ill relative