Need to talk about this

[ruggie]

This happened a few months back now, I haven`t told anyone in real life nor online before now, but think I need to get this out of my system.

I had been seeing a man for quite a while, and we were both quite adventurous in the bedroom department. So I`m wondering if what happened, happened because of this.

Basically in bed one night, he, without any warning, forced himself up my anal passage. This isnt something we had ever discussed and he didnt stop to ask if it would be ok. He didnt take it slowly, and he didnt use any lube to make the process easier. It hurt like hell. Needless to say, I screamed at him to stop. He didn`t, just kind of laughed and held himself in me.

Somehow,I manged to get him off me. And for reasons I cannot even begin to fathom, didn`t ask him to leave. In fact, once I had got him off me, he acted like nothing had happened and even stayed the night.

Ive seen him twice more since then (I know, I KNOW!) but now stopped all contact with hm. Its been playing on my mind and I am now horribly depressed that I didnt ask him to leave, that maybe I should have called the police, that maybe it was just because he just assumed that I would be up for it, given some of the other things we had done, that maybe hes doing this to someone else.

Self esteem has plummeted since then and Im really struggling at the moment to make sense of what happened. I dont even know why I`m posting this now. I feel completely very, very stupid for meeting up with him afterwards, thus probably giving him the message that I was ok with what had happened. Just really needed to talk to someone about it I think. Should I have called the police?

Can you call rape crisis? I don't know about the police. I believe they can hand hold and talk you through it. You poor thing.

Please remember that you did nothing wrong. He violated your trust in a most awful way, he knew you didn't want that type of sex by your reaction and he carried on against your will.

Your reaction after was perfectly normal, you were in shock. He was seemingly oblivious to what he had done but maybe he too wanted some 'normality' after to justify his terrible actions.

Seeing him twice after was also normal. You had been close for a while and in some way, you probably needed to get some of that feeling back in order to cope with that night.

Has he shown any remorse at all? Have you spoken about it? I would guess that he's fine with you not seeing him now as he probably knows he did wrong in the most awful way. So by not seeing you, it absolves him in his mind.

I think you should get some advice from Rape Crisis, talk it through with them. They will also reassure you that you have done nothing wrong in your actions since that night.

I really feel for you. It is frightening that when we think we know someone and we trust them intimately that they can be capable of such violation. Regardless of what type of sex life or experimentation you had with him - this was wrong! You are not to blame, you screamed and told him to stop - he didn't.

I'm not surprised your confidence is shattered but there are people who can help you

You were in shock at what happened, so your reaction was not that surprising.
I'm sure the police and rape crisis have heard about lots of similar cases.

It's possible you may still be able to go to the police if you want to. It's likely that he has done it to other women and will continue to do so. :(

I second calling rape crisis and take it from there.

But don't blame yoursel.

He didnt seem remorseful no. I didnt bring it up with him the two times I saw him after either. I really liked him (and thought the feeling was mutal) and am quite horrified at myself that I still felt for him afterwards. I don`t have any feelings towards him now- just very sad and feel like I should be angry about it all.

:(

You should definitely talk to someone about this. It was very wrong of him to do this without consent.

It's worrying that he didn't show any remorse and I think that may be where your concerns come from that he might do this to someone else because you are a decent person and you know he was wrong.

Your actions after that night are normal. Please remember that.

Professionals will speak to you anonymously and will be able to help you decide what the best thing to do is. Or at the very least, help you with your thoughts of sadness and lack of confidence over what he did to you.

He abused your trust at a most intimate time. You must have been so bewildered and scared. He is awful.

Oh you poor thing. I am so sorry this happened.

Please don't be horrified with yourself. Nobody knows how they will react in these situations until (god forbid) they happen to them.

Thankyou for the advice. I think I will give Rape Crisis a ring. Yes I am scared he will try it with someone who couldn`t manage to get him off- I was very lucky that I managed I think.

I honestly don`t think he saw that he had done anything wrong :(

I think he did know. That's why he didn't apologise and he continued to do it.
He probably gets off on doing this.
It was a power trip, as for other forms of rape. He was showing control over you, in that he didn't ask and didn't acknowledge how you felt.

You did good to recognise it for what it was and get away from him.

I agree with Lweji. He knew and it was a power thing.

Just want to add that you are a strong person, you ended it with him and that took a lot of strength when even though you really liked him, you knew it was the right thing to do.

I wish you peace in your thoughts

Thankyou all :) Looking back, I think it most defiantly was a power thing for him. I just cannot believe he did this- he always seemed so considerate and caring. I really, really hope he doesn`t try this with someone else :(

He did know. I bet you're not the first person he's done it to as well.

Do you need to get checked out? I can imagine that him doingvthatvso roughly must've really hurt. You poor thing.

ruggie I think there's every likelihood of him doing similar again- it was him.
You did brilliantly to get away so fast. It's perfectly natural the way you reacted: shock, disbelief, wanting to minimise/ rationalise. Seeing him again, again that's nothing to beat yourself up about.
Rape crisis were v helpful in my experience. Do call them.

What a terrifying situation! Poor you! How are you feeling now?

I agree that the way you reacted sounds totally 'normal' to me. Anyone would have reacted as you did.

Sometimes our heads can't make sense of things, so we carry on, hoping the freakish stuff happening around us catches up and gets normal again.

What he did was wrong, and you definitely were right to sever all contact. I hope Rape Crisis can give you all the support you need.

Thanks for the support everyone Have now spoken to Rape Crisis and they were amazingly supportive and understanding. Reassured me
I wasn`t to blame, that my reaction was completely normal etc. Feeling a little better about myself- hopefully I can start moving forward now :)

That's good. :)
Take care. Fingers crossed you will get over it soon.

Oh ruggle well done. That was a really brave thing to do and I'm so glad they were able to reassure you.

I had similar feelings when I was raped at 20. I am no shrinking violet and I never imagined I would not fight tooth and nail. I didn't. I almost played dead. The fact that I hadn't fought upset me so much afterwards. Like I had enabled it. Ridiculous of course but at the time I was so ashamed of myself. But who knows, maybe it saved my life. None of is knows how we will react / act in these situations until it happens. However you react is normal and understandable and you have nothing to reproach yourself for.