Think relationship with my mum may be over :-(

[Dancergirl]

I've been lurking her a while and have read the Stately Home threads. I can't believe how familiar it all sounds.

Anyway a bit of back story - my mum brought me up alone after my dad died when I was 4. I have one half sister from my mums previous marriage. My mum and sister argued often, there was a horrible atmosphere which I was caught up in. My mum and I had a strange relationship, I think she was lonely and wanted my company, she had very few friends of her own age. I was very, very naughty as a child but she was poor at discipline, no boundaries etc. I didn't settle at school and changed many, many times. The house I grew up in was dirty, dark and dreary and FULL of clutter. I had nursery wallpaper in my room in my teens. I was too ashamed to bring friends home. Of course, all of this is my fault - I was naughty, nagged for things, 'drove her mad', wouldn't let her talk to people, 'fell out' with other children.

My sister got ovarian cancer when she was 26 and I was 12. She blamed our mother for her illness and sent her abusive letters with pictures of herself looking emaciated. Thank goodness she survived but was left infertile.

My mum and I were very close, too close really to be healthy. At times I did feel very much loved by her. But she had a horrible temper and would shout and scream how terrible I was and called me names. Sometimes she left me in the street when I was naughty, she came back half an hour later or so.

To cut a long story short, since I've been married we've had a mixture of having a sort of normal relationship (not much of that though), and her ranting about how little I care for her, how awful I am, our children behave badly and don't talk to her when she comes round. She often compares me to other peoples grown up daughters who apparently are 'devoted'. We just had one of these phone conversations a few days ago, I think the final straw for me was when she claimed that because she didn't bring men in who might molest me, then that's ok!!! Thats the benchmark???? What does she want for saving me from being molested, a medal??!

Anyway I don't think the relationship can be salvaged, but as she is on her own and she's over 80, I do feel responsiblity for her. How can I care for her without being emotionally involved? She lives about half an hours drive from me. I have considered social services, meals on wheels etc but she won't let anyone in. Her house is in a terrible state.

I am sad it has come to this but I am fed up with the constant criticism and complaint.

You are and will always be emotionally involved. She clearly didn't cover herself in glory as a mother and I'm sorry you had such a dysfunctional experience growing up. As she's over 80, statistically you probably won't have to endure her for much longer. Social Services and meals on wheels etc could be a good way to make sure she has her practical needs met.

On the criticism and complaints. Did you respond to the molestation comment? Ask her out loud did she want a medal etc? Or do you tend to say nothing and fume?

If possible, it's always better to be the bigger person.

She's a nightmare she always has been. I would detach completely from the nonsense she comes out with and avoid talking about the past.

I would definitely ask for help from social services, she clearly needs it and you can't do all of it yourself. If she won't let them in, that's for them to sort out.

Social services. There's nothing more you can do. She's like me, but older.

Do you think that maybe your mum has mental health issues and always has ?sounds like she did while you were growing up . Well done you for surviving it all

Do you think you can have an honest heart to heart? If you think your relationship is over, what do you have to lose? You might get closer. I think it would be sad to end this relationship when she is so old now. You said yourself you were extremely close.

leftitallbehind what do you mean she's like you? That's a very honest post. x

mychild I don't think I can

She just doesn't like me, I'm a terrible disappointment to her. She's very bitter and tbh I feel angry with some of the things she's said and done over the years. She behaved terribly when I got engaged and almost cost me our marriage (have been happily married for 17 years). She says I'm selfish and don't care about her. I have TRIED to help her over the years but she is a difficult person to help. I think she likes saying no to offers so she can be a martyr.

Regarding social services, I tried to enlist their help about 5 years ago. They tried to go round but she wouldn't let them in and they said there is nothing they can do. Do they have a duty of care to elderly people? What does that entail?

OP, I am sorry that you've had such a dysfunctional upbringing, as have many of us who have posted on the the Stately Homes thread. To me, your mother sounds like she may have a personality disorder or some kind of untreated mental illness. These are hard people to deal with - trust me, I was brought up in a conventional 2 parent family, with 2 personality disordered 'parents'.

The difficult thing is accepting that your mother is always going to be difficult, always going to play the martyr, etc, etc, and the good ol' MN mantra of "detach, detach, detach" (especially emotionally) works well here. She is never going to change and will always be difficult, so deal with her only on your terms. Remember is her, not you, you could have been anyone else, and she would have reacted in the same way, and most likely has, as it sounds like all family and friends have distanced themselves from her.

As for you feeling the need to be responsible for her - she has done what my parents did to me. My parents made me a 'mini adult' from a very young age. I was always expected to step up, even as a child, and take on what were age-inappropriate adult concerns from a very young age. As a somewhat wiser adult, I now realise how inappropriate it was for them to do this to me, and its affects on me to this day. I always feel like 'It's my responsibility' even though it is clearly not, and I am working hard to correct this. Remember, a good parent does not make their child feel responsible for them, all the while abdicating their responsibility to you.

HTH

I agree you need SS to step in, I would report to the GP and maybe they will be able to get them involved. The more you do the less they will do from what I have seen.

I am not an expert on this at all but if your DM is not deemed mentally incapable then she is entitled to refuse their help and they can't force her to let them in. You would then be in a hideous position of it falling to you or of her just going downhill on her own.

I think we all know you won't be able to just say, well it's her choice, tough, but what you would have to do is think about what you can manage rather than think about how you can meet all her needs. Maybe you could call to see her once a week and do some food shopping or something.

She doesn't have a GP, she hasn't been registered with a doctor for years. I did try about 8 years ago to get her registered at a local practice but they said without her consent they couldn't take her on.

rosh she is not mentally incapable so would be entitled not to let them in. But don't SS have a duty of care? What is their responsibility?

She wouldn't let me in with the shopping but I suppose I could buy some weekly essentials and just leave them outside?

They can't force a mentally competent adult to accept their help. Your DM is free to choose how she lives. It is a really difficult situation for you OP, I would not want to be in your shoes but I think leaving some groceries for her each week is reasonable.
I don't know how someone can be sectioned anyway without their GP being involved but I don't know much about it. I know you aren't a psychiatrist (well, I assume) but are you really sure she is mentally competent?

It all hinges on 'Capacity' and whether she has the capacity to make her own decisions regarding her care and accommodation. Under the Mental Capacity Act people are able to make choices that others may deem to be unwise, as long as they are able to understand the risks involved.

Really difficult in this situation. I think what you need todo is pave the way to help in the future. Write to SS again saying you have concerns, that the house is filthy and she is not registered with a GP. What tends to happen very sadly is that a crisis occurs. So anything you have written down now will help in the future.

I have been through an awful time with my Mother and when clearing her house as she is now in a CH, found the extent of her lies over the years. She has Dementia now and is paranoid and has been very nasty about me. She always has little digs. I pity her but on one level dislike her as I realise how I have always been the scapegoat.

A few months counselling has helped. The majority of the time I'm not very emotionally involved and I have learned ways to handle her. Not says it always works and occasionally I exhibit behaviour a little like my teenage DD which is a very bad idea, but overall I do manage to detach. Easier for me as I know she is safe and I remember how worrying it was when she was on her own in a filthy house. Really feel for you