Feeling guilty since separation - kids

[RollerCola]

I'm having some emotional issues following separation with my exh, I hope someone can help.

We agreed to separate last July. We'd been together 23 yrs, married 16, two children who are now 12 and 7. Exh stayed in the house for 2 months and then moved out to an apartment. So it's been 9 mths since we separated, 7 mths since he moved out.

Since then I've gone through a whole load of emotions, ranging from relief, great happiness doing things with the kids, sadness for losing what was meant to be, anger at exh etc. All normal I presume. Overall everything is good though and I feel better than I have in years.

My emotions have currently settled at guilt. Despite all I'm told and all I've read I can't help feeling incredibly guilty for us breaking up the children's family unit. I worry about them all the time and keep wondering how this is going to affect them in the future.

I do think I'm worrying too much but I can't seem to help it. Exh and I are very amicable, the dcs stay at his one night every week and also see him once or twice in the week. We go to parents eves together and we talk about child-related issues together to make sure we're doing the right thing for them.

Apart from the first few days after we told them we were splitting up (dd cried a lot for a few days) the children do both seem fine. They've adapted well to seeing dad at his house and enjoy spending time with him. Dd is 12 and a real daddy's girl which I encourage. Ds likes being with his dad but I think just needs a bit more male interaction at home so I try to encourage him to play with friends as much as I can and my dad takes him out too.

So all in all it's going ok, so why do I constantly feel so guilty? To make things more complicated both exh and I have now met new people. I've been seeing a man for about 6 months and exh is seeing a woman he met while we were still together.

We both know about each other and are (just about) fine with it. But neither of us have told the children. After rocking their world last year I'm scared to tell them I've met someone else in case it sets them back.

I'm happy to keep it under wraps for now and see how it goes. But I'm reaching a stage where I'd really like to see this new man a bit more often. We currently only see each other once a week or fortnight, when the dcs are out at their dads, but we talk most days and have become pretty close. He's really understanding and is completely happy to let me take the lead, and understands that the children are my main priority. He's not pushing to move on at all, there's no pressure from him. But I'd really like to see him more for ME. He makes me very happy and I'd be upset to lose him. It's clear we both like each other a lot.

So do I go for it and tell the kids I've got a new friend who's a man? I feel like I've come to terms with most things but the guilt is lasting the longest and I suspect won't go away for a long time. Is it too soon for them? Should I leave it a while longer, maybe till it's been a year? How long is long enough for them to accept this news without being too upset? Am I just MASSIVELY overthinking this.

I'm just so mindful of hearing about people introducing new partners within a few weeks and the children getting all upset etc. I'm scared to even mention his name as a new friend! And even if I do that moving on to a meetup would be a whole other stress!

I think it usually is a big shock for children when they find out their parents are dating other people, because it brings it home that the parents really are separated forever and getting back together just isn't an option; and perhaps, to a lesser extent, the natural selfishness of a child who may worry he/she is no longer the centre of their parents' universe because someone else is receiving their attention and affection. So it always does have to be handled with sensitivity.

That said, I would have thought that now you've been with this person for long enough to be confident it is going somewhere, it is probably better to mention it to the DC soon - just very casually at first, so they can get used to the idea, preferably well in advance of any meeting. If they know about their dad having a gf that might make it easier for them, because they've already got their heads round the concept.

You never know, they may surprise you by being delighted or even have had an inkling already that you've been dating.

No, don't involve the kids yet.

You only see this new bloke once a week or fortnight. He might be delightful and supportive over the phone - that's easy. He could be a complete bastard in reality. You need to get to know him far more without the kids around. What about when they are at their Dads?

When you are totally sure - in a year or two then risk introducing him to your precious children. Until then just focus on getting to know him yourself.

Thanks. It's a bit of a chicken or egg situation I guess. I don't want to tell the kids until I know him better myself. But I can't really get to know him better that easily because the kids are with me 6 nights out of 7 and I work full time so there's not actually much time to see him.

I'd be so scared about introducing them, reaching the normal day-to-day stuff, and only at that point finding out we don't get on.

We're still very much at the 'everything's great' stage where you have that heady happy feeling and things aren't quite real. I'd really want to know what he's like in normal daily life to be able to judge whether we really are made for each other. But how do you do that without involving the kids?

OP i could have written your post, and my children are similar ages. I too have been through all those emotions and frequently return to guilt....as someone said to me, believe your kids ARE ok if they are. I am also very amicable with their dad, we seperated nearly 3 years ago. One question : why do they only spend one night with dad? Mine do 50/50, it works well, they see him as much as me, plus i have ample opportunity to see my bf, who also has kids. For me, i mentioned the fact that my friend wasn't just "a friend" after 2 years.....just going off the personality of my eldest, who is now 13. She was getting very upset at the idea that the nights she wasn't with me, that ...gasp....sometimes i go out. Didn't matter with who, just that i was doing something that didn't involve her. I felt she needed to understand that whilst i am her mother and she is my priority, that i am also a person in my own right. Nothing was going to change, no one is moving anywhere, he will not be forcibly "coming to tea", that i loved her unconditionally. But this was after 2 full years. My younger child is 8 and doesn't seem to care what status my "friend" is, as long as nothing changes in his life. They are naturally socially very shy, and value their home as a safe haven, for me to be bringing in this man to their home they would struggle with, so i just don't do it. Well, not when they're here anyway

I wish I had advice but will follow this thread with interest as I wonder how and when to introduce someone new. my DDS only stay one/two nights usually a week at their dads but it can be longer in between and its all to do with ex job as shifts with no routine possible

There's a half way house here.
You can tell the kids about this man, without introducing them.
There's nothing wrong with the kids knowing that you're dating. They may have to get their heads around it a bit - but it's inevitable.
Think about their friends, what they're watching in TV - they know about dating.
I'm actually fine with quick introductions, if you think the kids will cope. But that's an introduction of "this is my boyfriend" not "this is your new dad".
My 5yo knows that my boyfriend (who she has met, as it happens) is someone that I like a lot - but that I am getting to know. She understands that it is a time to decide how you feel - that I'm not already set on marriage (she's wedding obsessed!). She knows I can change my mind, and have a different boyfriend.

I would tell them that you've had a few dates and you quite like someone, and his name is x. Take it from there. Don't worry about introductions. If you're not seeing this guy once a fortnight, their father needs to step up and do more contact time.

And don't feel guilty - it's not you that broke up the family, it was him. Kids'll be fine whoever is at fault (well done you for creating amicable situation around them, am in similar position and it's not easy!). But - the guilt is his.

Thanks wallaby, that makes me feel a bit better. At this stage I wouldn't do any more than mention him as a friend. My 12 yr old isn't daft though and would know straight away that it was more than that.

I've been very keen to ensure that, apart from their dad and I living in separate houses, everything has stayed the same. We're staying in the same house, they still have their bedrooms, friends close by and schools haven't changed. I want them to feel safe and I've assured them that we won't move house (unless they particularly want to) and I'm lucky enough to be able to stay here.

My (loose) plan is to tell them that I have a group of new friends that I've been out with (which is true) and that one happens to be a man. Once I've told them he exists I'll just refer to him as I would any other friend and then take their lead. If they ask questions I'll answer them and if they feel they'd like to meet him then that's fine too.

But if it upsets them at all I'll need to talk it through. I realise there will be issues and I don't want to put any pressure on them. I think dd in particular may be upset as she may secretly wish me & her dad would get back together. I need to assure her that no one will ever replace her dad, that they don't need to meet any new partners if they don't want to, and encourage them to talk about how they feel. I don't want them to feel uneasy in their own home so he won't come here unless they're out.

With regards to staying at their dads, they stay overnight each Saturday and all day on Sundays. Then they each see him one night in the week for tea (different nights at the moment though) and he brings them back before bed. There's issues for him getting them to school in the mornings so they haven't stayed overnight much in the week but maybe I need to address this with my ex.

Thanks for the advice.

Roller, I just re-read your other post here. About what happens if you decide against after introductions.

Here's what happens: you bin him, and you tell the kids that he was nice, but he wasn't for you. That in life, you like a lot of people, but very few are really special. The kids will get it. They're of an age where there'll be very childish boyfriend / girlfriend stuff at school, changing frequently. Seriously - don't fall into the trap of thinking that kids should only ever know of their parents being in a marriage type relationships.

What am I teaching my 5yo? That you get to make choices. And that you take your time to make good ones.

As long as I don't give her a false impression that my boyfriend is forever, or give him a father type role in her life, or create a revolving door every 6 months - it's fine!

When she has a boyfriend, I'll be proud if she can recognise when it's not meeting her needs, and politely but decisively end it.

If your daughter is hoping you'll get back together, then knowing you have someone else may actually help. It could upset her - but maybe better that than have her harbouring secret hopes for a long time.
The nice thing about a 5yo is that they're not so complex and very open - mine says she wishes I'd get back with her dad. I hug her and say "but remember mummy and daddy aren't such good friends now, and that wouldn't make us happy. I'm enjoying date X, too." And she says "ooooh yes - can I be a bridesmaid?" (Told you wedding obsessed!)

I know I have it easier having a younger child - and she is quite easy going too. But being open has just been easier all round.

Yes I definitely have more concerns about my dd than ds who is only 7. He's much more accepting of change.

Actually teaching your children, that you can have relationships which don't lead to marriage and aren't a big deal - can be a hugely positive lesson for them.

Thanks for all your replies. I'm such a massive worrier that it takes me forever to make changes for fear of upsetting someone. In fact that's the only reason I stayed with my ex as long as I did - for the stress of upsetting and unsettling the kids.

Now the dust has settled they're fine and I now need to be more assertive about what I want from my life. It's difficult though isn't it, when your decisions affect two small people who don't have the option of making their own life choices yet.

Couple of things here, why is their dad only having them stay once a week? That doesn't sound too even a split in child care.

Also, why not start to get a babysitter for them, so that your dc get used to the idea that you have friends and a social life. That's as important aa thing for them to learn as anything else.

That'll also buy you more time before you need to make any announcement.

The main reason he only has them to stay one night a week is, believe it or not, because he only has a two-seater car. Think I've mentioned it on here before. So he can't run dd to the bus stop to get the bus to school because he can't leave ds on his own. And dropping them off back here is painfully slow because he brings ds, then goes back to pick up dd...you get the picture.

I could go to collect them I guess, but right from the start I said I wasn't going to be ferrying them back and to just because he chooses not to have suitable transport. I agree that they need to stay over at his more than once a week though.

It sounds like it might be in your interests to help ferry the children. Until I saw your last post I was going to suggest you hire a babysitter to have more free nights.

And this is really not relevant to your question, but do be careful of that guilt thing. I have several friends whose adult children have milked the guilt thing (doesn't matter about what) for all it is worth, and have never really matured as one would wish as a consequence. Guilt is only good when we need to say sorry or promise ourselves never to do something again. Otherwise it is a complete hamper, especially where children are concerned.

He can't see his kids more cos he has a 2 seater car. WTF?!

It's not you that needs to feel guilty here. Are you feeling guilty on your ex's behalf?

I remember you OP. Iirc there was a bit more to it than your dd being a daddy's girl, didn't she resent ds presence or something?

I know your exh is not financially able to change his (old/low value) 2 seater, but he can easily leave a 12yo alone while he goes and gets DS, or drops him off first.

Do your dc know about their dad's girlfriend?

You do need to get on with your life, i'm not sure this is guilt, sounds more like fear to me, it is very recent your split. It's a good distraction though and will serve you well in the future I think.

Force yourself to get a babysitter, so that your dc see you going out (with friends). Your dc won't break, and you have a right to an adult life. You don't need to rub it in their faces, but as I say, iirc your dd seemed to be trying to occupy a more adult position in the family than she really should be in at her age.

Perhaps it is more fear than guilt, I'm not sure. Dd doesn't resent ds at all, they get on great together. I think my previous post was about her wanting to spend time on her own with her dad on her birthday and ds got a bit upset because he wanted to go to. That's all blown over now, she's fine and pretty sensible.

No they don't yet know about ex h's partner either. I think he wants us both to sit down with them together and tell them about both new partners at the same time. He doesn't want them to think he's 'bad dad' for seeing someone else so thinks if we tell them we're both seeing someone it'll mean they don't see either of us as in the wrong.

I really don't want to do that though. It was awful enough telling them we were separating. I think this would be too similar a situation and would scare them.

I'm sticking to telling them I've got new friends, letting them know I'm going out with them, and that one happens to be a man. I think that's enough for them to need to know for now.

That sounds very wise Roller. Also, if your ex messes up with new gf in some way you won't be associated with that either in the dc's minds.

Was his GF the OW? He seems determined not to be the bad guy, only the fun dad. He sounds a right plonker tbh!

I think you're absolutely right not to sit them down and blow their worlds apart.

Adopt you approach and let Mr 2-seater sort his own life out.

You are not doing anything wrong, but you do need to stop cushioning them from the fact that you are a grown woman.

Get the babysitter sorted, go out with your friends and allow the dc to get comfortable with the idea naturally.

Yes hissy he's still seeing the OW. But it seems to be a very long distance relationship.They've been in touch by phone and online for ages (while me and him were still together, so possibly years) but have only apparently seen each other irl a handful of times since we split last year.

So while I've been keeping my own relationship under wraps for 6 months, because I want to be sure that it's really serious before I tell the kids, he wants me to help him tell them about his when he's only actually spent a small handful of nights with her and thinks he knows it's serious.

I'm keeping my distance from him. I'll do this my own way I think.

One of the benefits of divorce is that you don't have to do what your ex wants anymore. What he's suggesting sounds far too contorted to me, stick to your guns.

Good god roller your ex is idiotic AND deluded!

He wants to tell the kids about his OW/GF to make it real/stronger than he fears it is in real life, and also to 'share' the blame with you for moving on.

Sheesh! His life really is all about him huh?

Stay well clear of him and his mess. Focus on you, trust your instincts and look after those kids. You are thé best chance in life they have tbh!

The pressure on a cheat who leaves his family for an OW is immense. If this fails, then all this crap for nothing? He ends up unjustified and humiliated.

You are well shot of him!