No sex for 11 years?

[easterbunny7813]

No sex for 11 years and I feel lonely in my marriage. He has no interest in sex at all and will not see doctor/get help. I desperately yearn for intimacy. He can't understand I feel lonely. We don't generally argue, we generally rub along ok except for the fact I feel I'm missing something. He is 57 I'm 43. Married nearly 20yrs. We're both under great stress at the moment as our 14yo dd has self harm issues which we're getting help with. I keep thinking 'is this it?' should I just be content with what I have? I don't work and couldn't contemplate it at the moment as things are often volitile with our dd & I need to be at home for her. All our £ and assets are in his name & I believe he has started hiding £ in the event I divorce. When I asked him to tell me what we have in various accounts he got angry & wouldn't tell me. I am totally in the dark. Unluckily, neither of us have any family at all, so we're both on our own. Tonight I thought I could leave him a suicide note saying 'you win', he could keep everything himself. I keep wondering, should I just accept this is my life. I have a decent house & never have to worry about £. With no £, no job & no family for support I feel incapable of standing on my own two feet. Will I ever feel content again?

What ever you do don't let him win that way - the biggest loser will be your DD. Sending hugs across the world. Perhaps try and get him in relationship counselling to talk about the lack of intimacy. Or if he won't talk write him a letter?

Please don't accept that this is all there is to life! You can be content, but perhaps not within this marriage.

It doesn't matter whose name assets are in if you're married, and a forensic accountant can unearth 'hidden' assets if you divorce. Why not see a solicitor and get their view of what your options might be? It doesn't commit you to anything, and knowledge is power.

So sorry about your daughter, you must be so worried. Perhaps, as well as her issues contributing stress to your marriage, things are working the other way round too? She might be better off with two happy separated parents, and may be picking up how unhappy you are. That is in no way anyone's fault, just the way family life works.

I've been to marriage guidance on my own & it left me feeling so bleak. I'm on my own with this. I don't have the courage to stand on my own two feet.

Hello
Do you talk to your husband about how you feel and can you discuss issues in your marriage or is he closed off completely? No sex for 11 years? That's a long time! Do you have any ideas why that might be.... Sensitive question do you think he still loves you? Do you still love him? Is there affection of any kind ie hugs or kisses?

Maybe his libido has just dropped now that he's in his 50s. I know a couple she's early 40 like you, he's 52, and she was saying they don't have sex much anymore (they are childless). She said he just doesn't have the same drive as before.

We never kiss, we hug if I go to him & take a hug. We do talk about it occasionally but he simply cannot comprehend why I feel like I do. He puts it down to the stress of our daughter. He says he's the same person he's always been & I'm the one who's changed. This is true, I used to be content with no intimacy, I told myself it didn't matter, now I've decided it does. He loves me like a dear friend, not like a lover/wife. He's quite overweight & neglects his health but no amount of cajoling from me has any effect.

What was your sex life like before/earlier in your marriage or was he always less interested in it?
It sounds like he's not taking any responsibility at all for the lack of affection, all you're getting is the odd hug initiated by you, I'd be pissed off too! Its not too much to ask for affection from your husband and the fact that he's saying you've changed, well I hope you're not taking that on board, he's just deflecting. Do you think he's insecure about his weight?

There's nothing wrong with deciding you are not ok with no intimacy btw! Everyone needs it, I would say with what you are going through at the moment, more than ever, especially lots of hugs. I also think there's no point cajoling anyone to lose weight, they need to decide to do it for themselves. My dh is overweight and while I've tried healthy eating in the house and trying to get us all out exercising, he's still about three stone overweight because he's eating rubbish in work and in the car on the way there.

Has it occurred to you that your DD's MH issues are, in part, a response to the distressing atmosphere at home? You're so depressed that you're talking about killing yourself & I'd be surprised if a sensitive childe could live in that environment and not be affected. Have you consulted a GP about your state of mind? Depression can be treated.

As others have said, as a married woman you have options. Rather than marriage guidance, you may get further talking to a solicitor. They would tell you, for example, that in the event of a divorce all marital assets - savings, property, even pension - are split down the middle. There is state help available until you find employment and top-ups when you do. You could therefore end up with enough money to start fresh. I believe your depression and your DD's MH issues would improve.

If he can't see that there's a problem, then it's up to you to decide if you want to be in the same place in 10/20/30 years' time. If he loves you like a friend then maybe you can agree to part amicably, which would be better for both of you as well as for your DD.

I think you need to make it clear that you can't carry on like this. Perhaps if he realises that you mean business, he'll have a rethink. Otherwise, he'll brush the problem under the carpet and hope it'll go away.

If you were to divorce, he would have to support you and DD. Any financial settlement would be based on his income and your joint assets. He can't just hide everything.

I know it's a huge decision to make, but I can't imagine that time is going to make the picture any rosier, is it?

You still have so much of your life ahead of you, perhaps now is the time to make the change you need. You can do this on your own - I did. Although my circumstances were different (ex had an affair and left), I handled the divorce on my own, my 3 DC are fine, they live with me and are well provided for. Getting divorced doesn't mean that you'll lose everything.

And perhaps seeing you make a move towards a happier place will help your DD. Mine is the same age - at this stage they're very interested in looking at adult relationships and interactions. Wouldn't it be good to show her how strong you can be, by taking some positive steps?

OP if you need help in leaving the marriage then ask here as there are lots of people with experience and knowledge.

I agree with others that your daughters health may improve if things change at home. Also you are still young - do not write off the rest of your life - grab it.

Easter, I have sent you a private message.

This must have affected you in all sorts of ways. A unilateral decision from one partner to stop intimacy is very difficult. Much sympathy here- I would urge you to leave him as you are withering on the vine- and only 43!!
Yes, it's very hard to be alone after so long, and it's hard to take a drop in living standards.
But I think only those who have been in your position know how corrosive it is to the soul. Get out, and breathe, and live without this resentment squatting on you.
Good luck.

This must have affected you in all sorts of ways. A unilateral decision from one partner to stop intimacy is very difficult. Much sympathy here- I would urge you to leave him as you are withering on the vine- and only 43!!
Yes, it's very hard to be alone after so long, and it's hard to take a drop in living standards.
But I think only those who have been in your position know how corrosive it is to the soul. Get out, and breathe, and live without this resentment squatting on you.
Good luck.