Feels like I have no friends

[Deckmyballs]

I live in a small town and have 3dc. I've lived here for 5 years but the 1 friend I was really close to moved away 3 years ago. Since then I've met a lot of people but no one actually seems to want to be good friends with me

I go through phases of trying so so hard with the group I socialise with the most but nothing seems to really secure my friendship with anyone. It's a group of 7 and I am the odd friend. The others are all very close to one other person and get together outwith group times together except me I am the odd one out. To make matters worse, we moved to be closer to a couple of friends thinking that would secure a better friendship but nothing has actually changed at all, all I do it watch them go to each other's houses while I'm on my own I can't understand it, if it were me I would be trying to involve the other person, I certainly wouldn't want them to feel bad. They will know I do too as I have had a weak moment before and had a good cry saying I'm feeling lonely before, clearly this makes no odds to anyone! Am I really that awful?
I know it sounds petty too but on the wonderful site of facebook, they never like any of my photos or status yet do each other's a lot! Even post lovely things about each other and there I am just all left out

I probably sound so pathetic right now but I honestly just feel so alone and left out and as though I'm at school desperate for friends and no one is interested I really want my dc to have really close friends so need to change something before it's too late.

Be kind please...I'm so upset

"I really want my dc to have really close friends so need to change something before it's too late"

Sorry if I'm being a bit thick here but I don't understand why the number or type of friends that you have should have a bearing on the friends that your Dc make?

On the basis I'm setting an example...if i have no friends in my adult life he may think that's ok/normal.

Also my friends children are all 'best friends' together and play with each other all the time. Mine are no included in that

I suggest not connecting the two - your DC will make friends at school and clubs, you can perhaps help that along by being welcoming for play dates etc. For you, it sounds like you don't fit in with this group unfortunately and should maybe give up on them as its causing you so much disappointment and frustration. Or at least keep them at arms length. Where to try next is the next question of course. But sometimes feeling free of a problem is better than chasing and wondering.

Exactly what Willoughby said. How old are your dc and are your friends' chidren in their class at school?

I only have a couple of friends (moved round a fair bit), but I'm happy with that. I mostly socialize with family and dh. I see the odd friend now and again for a catch up. Suits me. I was never a "night out with the girls" type of person really.
My children made their own friends at school - they have no friends that they know through the people that I know. In fact it's probably the other way round - I am quite friendly with couple of my ds's friends' mums just through seeing them at school.

I know some people seem to think they should start going to antenatal groups and whatnot and forging friendships there but I find that a strange idea. The only thing you all have in common is that you're all going to have a baby round the same time. Just throwing you all together isn't going to make you suddenly all on the same wavelength or have the same interests and opinions. Bonus if it does though, but I think too many people try too hard to make friends with other people with kids the same age because they think their babies must learn to socialise blah blah.

I think you should find some different friends too to be honest. If they're not including you then they don't sound very nice. Just try and make new friends naturally, don't force it. Helps if you work and have good workmates - you can start a new circle of friends there.

I also have trouble making friends beyond the superficial friendliness at groups etc, so what I'm about to say isn't a criticism.

if it were me I would be trying to involve the other person, I certainly wouldn't want them to feel bad.

That's what you think you would do if you were one of the people with a close friend in a wider friendship group. You'd include someone you perceived as being on the edge of the group to things your were doing with your bestie.

What's to stop you doing that from the edge? Inviting one or two of the ones local to you out for coffee/play date/walk to the park, etc? It's all to easy to take a "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me I think I'll go and worms" attitude where you feel deliberately left out and grumpy about it. But you might not be inviting them out places, round for coffee etc, so they just might not be in the habit of including you, assuming that you are busy/happy/or just not remembering you at all at the time. I have a tendency to assume that everyone else is A-OK and its just me who is lonely/left out.

Several of my facebook friends (not ones local to me unfortunately) often put out an open invitation 'Mum friends, I'm thinking of taking the children out to X (beach, park, soft play etc) today/tomorrow/on friday) would anyone like to meet up/join me?'

However, it could be that these people aren't really needing a close friend as they already have theirs and you need to meet new people who are also looking for friendships. Have you tried asking on your Mumsnet local page for meet ups etc?

My situation is complicated by being an introvert so I do want a bit of social contact but can find too much overwhelming.

Also, maybe see if you can go to a class or group that does something you like - crafts/singing/sports/exercise/book group etc. I find its easier when you have something in common to talk about other than the children.

I have a bit of this too. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and don't know anyone else who is local and pregnant.

I would say, ease off making a real real effort. Still be lively and receptive but see where you can make other friends out there. Try NCT or something like that. There may be someone lovely that needs a buddy like you there!

Can you expand on what "trying so so hard" entails?

Op I do think you are trying too hard and they have sensed your neediness. If anything that would make someone want to be around you less. You've moved closer to some of these people to secure friendships? That alone might come across very clingy.
I think you should look at finding a new group of people to socialize with. It could be that you are just not the right fit for the group, which doesn't make them bad people, it's just that the dynamics might be different.

They don't sound very nice to me, sorry ;-(

I think you need to spread your wings and not rely on them so much. When you meet other people, by all means be friendly but try not to appear to be too needy or desperate. Can be a very hard thing to do when you are very lonely though, but practice makes perfect.

Good luck ;-D

Tbh I never had really close freinds as an adult, maybe due to the fact I move quiet often, and im happy in my own company.

I think the whole thing is overrated.

They seem very absorbed with their own lives to understand the pain they are causing.

I think there is a website called city socializer that helps with meeting new people in your area. Not sure if any one else might know of any other sites etc

Thanks for all the comments and advice, it just feels so difficult as now I'm pretty much directly across the road from them it's difficult to avoid or not notice them getting together without me. I realise they don't have to include me and they were friends before me but I always thought it would maybe be common courtesy given we're all in the same boat. There's no one else in the street in the same situation so they know that when they go away together that basically leaves me and my kids with no one to play with if you like. I realise I sound petty but just trying to be honest! Wish I wasn't so sensitive

We've given you some suggestions, do you think any of them might help?

I don't know if there is really evidence here of them deliberately trying to exclude you. Because of this I think that instead of sitting on the sidelines and waiting for permission to join them, you could instead invite them both to join you in doing something. You'd soon find out if they were really uninterested in a friendship with you if they turned you down a few times.

They might be really close friends who enjoy each other's company and so do lots of things together, its strange to assume that they ought to be including you in everything they do and mind-reading that you are feeling left out.

That said, if they are deliberately excluding you, then they aren't ever going to be very nice friends for you and it would be better for you to look elsewhere for friends. Unless you live in a tiny hamlet, there probably are other mums who feel lonely and would like to develop the sort of friendships that you want to.

I do think I know how you feel. I don't have close mum friends (IRL, I am part of an active online post natal group!) and do sometimes envy the close friendships that others have developed when they always seem to have someone to chat to at groups. But unless they are a group of Mean Girls deliberately trying to ostracise you, its much more about how you find friends that gel with you rather than there being anything wrong with what they are doing - they are just getting on with their lives and friendships. Its not their job to make you feel included even if that would've been nice.

When I was a bit more depressed, I would have thought and felt the same way you do about this situation. Now that I feel a bit better and more confident, I'd see it as up to me to take the initiative about trying to create closer friendships (either with this friendship group or if you feel they aren't interested then with new people). Put yourself out there, go to a few new groups - better if they are something you are interested in rather than a general playgroup. Be the friendly person who greets new members, suggests going out to a coffee shop/walk to the park afterwards etc. Go on MN local and ask if there are other mums who want to meet up. Contact Homestart (or equivalent) or your HV, and say you feel isolated and ask if they can put you in touch with other mums who want to make friends. if you are religious, then your local place of worship may have a welcoming group that could be supportive.

Try to get away from seeing things like this a personal rejection of you, and more a logistical problem of how to meet like minded people who are also wanting to start new friendships. Its so easy to feel left out, I'm not blaming you for being hurt, I'm sensitive too, I'm just trying to suggest a few practical ways to find friends.

How old are your children? x

Excellent advice so fair already but just to add I do agree about meeting other new people try different groups etc. I would invite the 2 ladies across from you out somewhere if they come great if no try to not let it get to you.
You sound like a lovely person and mum OP so I'm sure you'll make some lovely friends soon x

I think having friends should be a lovely extra in life but probably isn't the main event. I think friendships work better when they happen naturally, and aren't forced, I'm sure if I hung about with an already established group they wouldn't want me to join in really, and wouldn't feel that popular, but I don't, it's not the best way to make friends, if anything joining pre-established friendship groups has a high potential for rejection.

I would concentrate on making life more interesting- so do you want to run a playgroup once a week, get a job, do your hobby, start jogging and join a jogging club? Once you get out there and do interesting things, you will find like-minded people, they may not all turn into good friends but you will have a lot more fun and feel part of a different type of group, a group with a purpose.

Or, if you already work, be friends with the people who like you there, even if they don't have children or are older. I don't want to be friends with people just because they have children, it can be nice but not enough of a basis to spend really long times together.

Treat the children's friendships separately, don't rely on your network, once they hit school, send out cards to children yours like and invite for playdates.

It is hard work but I think you are looking in the wrong places, also for too many friends. You can make friends- you had a great friend before and it was unlucky they moved, I have had this happen and it's taken me a couple of years to get up and running with different friendships, but it will happen.