So, so tempted by another man it's like I have gone crazy!

[hoffmann]

I have been with my partner for 15 years. We have been though a lot good and bad and we are still together, currently our relationship is good. We have a good sex life and laugh and joke around.

We are both mid 30s and here is the weird bit even though we have been together for so long we are not married, engaged or even living together, we never have in fact. We are both to blame on that front really but we are looking to buy something this year and move in with marriage to follow.

However I have recently become massively attracted to another man who I just can't stop thinking about. I have known him for a while and always thought he was a nice guy but not like this, he is a friend of a friend I see every once in a while but it was only recently we properly talked for the first time. I think he is really cute but I admit I didn't immedately notice him by his looks. He quite small, the same height as me at 5 foot 5, he has a very slight build, he is has a receding hairline and wears glasses, again I think he is cute but he isn't the obvious hunk to turn a girls head.

Anyway we were just talking and it just hit me like a bolt of lighting, wow this guy is amazing. The eye contact was intense. I have no idea if he felt it too but the pub was very brightly lit and his pupils were dilated to the maximum, I'm sure mine were to! I felt all hot and excitied and I just wanted to know everything about him, and to touch him. It was overwhelming. In fact I was so shaken by him I made my excuses and left early!

Since then I've struggled to get him off my mind, I don't see him that often maybe once every month or so, perhaps I will be over it before I see him again.

He is 35 and single, he is shy with women and hasn't been in a relationship for years and years I don't think. He is a sweet guy very thoughtful and good with his hands (he is a carpenter). I've been day dreaming that I am somehow single and that we get together.

I feel so bad about this, I do love my partner so why am I like this over this guy? Is it possible he likes me too, could his interest in me have sparked my interest in him?

Ultimately its too big a risk to walk away from my long term relationship for what currently amounts to an intense crush! Still I am not married or living with my partner yet we get on but maybe we are just settling for each other? Although I don't usually feel that way, only now I have this crush.

Maybe this other guy is my soulmate the one I am meant to be with... I don't even believe in that but the heart plays tricks doesn't it!

Go on talk some sense into me, please before I make a fool of myself!

Note: I have no kids, and don't plan to have them other than via adoption (possibly) due to health issues.

I have some fears that my long term partner is only staying with me out of loyalty or because he would rather be with me than alone.

Well, given that that's exactly what you're doing, it seems pretty likely.

You've admitted yourself that you have a fear of being alone. Maybe you need to look into that.

It sounds like nothing more or less than your current relationship having run its course, but you're not willing to let go unless you have another sure thing lined up.

Imagine if you knew that that's what your current partner thought about you and your relationship. It's not very nice or decent, is it?

I undertand it's scary to go it alone, when you've been with someone for a long time, but it's also not a reason to stay with someone. It's not fair on either of you, and you're never going to meet the actual love of your life when you're tied up with someon else.

It sounds like you're prolonging our current relationship, forcing a round peg into a round hole, making sacrifices, just because neither of you want to be (temporarily) alne. It's no basis for a relationship.

Being single is isn't that terrifyingly awful...! Perhaps have a think about why you're SO scared of it.

Put yourself out of your misery and run off with the carpenter. Do not settle for a relationship you have to justify to yourself.

I have experience and settling cost me 20 years.

I think you should face your fears and be alone for a while. Facing down a long term fear and conquering it can be incredibly liberating in very surprising ways.

OP... Please don't let yourself be a woman who trundles along in a relationship that's going nowhere for another ten years or more - and face stark realisation and profound regret when you're older and this man - or another man that could make you happy - has gone.

It's not honest to YOURSELF, never mind your partner, to 'settle'. It sounds as he's doing the same and until one of you makes your move, the other is also stuck is this unsatisfactory 'arrangement'.

What do YOU want? Who do YOU want to be with?

I must admit, your current BF sounds more like a FWB.

Twinkle, that's awful. Even if he was just a regular chippy!

OP, I know it sounds odd but after all this time and the age you both are, I really wouldn't count your current relationship as "proper". He doesn't stimulate you now, imagine what it will be like when/if you did live together. You'd run out of things to say pretty quickly.

I don't think the real question should be about the carpenter but about your current relationship.
I find it really depressing for you that you wouldn't end this relationship unless you were in love with someone else.

In terms of the carpenter, from how you've described him, I think I might fancy him a little bit too

It sounds like you are a creative, and the carpenter is also a creative too? If both of you can and work in the creative industry and can indeed bring home a salary or earnings for security, then I do not see why there should be a problem !

I always find it interesting how people describe their feelings.
I would say that those kind of "crushes" are truly rare and few between. Do I believe in soul mates or people who connect because they have the absolute similar personalities ? Yes, I do.

The guy I just left behind is also a creative too. I also did a personality test of myself, and I am also a creative too. (But I am in a steady industry.)

Remember you only have the one life time.