How do I change my priorities and do I want to?

[gremlindolphin]

My DH was my best friend from college but our 20 yr relationship has been going down hill for along time - I think once our first dc came along and he wasn't my one and only priority to be honest. I have my faults and I am very close to my (small) family and friends which I know he finds hard and we now have another dd too, a very dependant DM Oh and a dog. I do various adhoc jobs at the moment and juggle the needs of everyone (and myself!).

DH spends a lot of time taunting me that I do nothing, that I spend too much time with DM, and that my first family is not my priority.

This has culminated today in that I bought theatre tickets for something that we will all enjoy that was introduced to me by my Mum and then my dcs from me but I didn't ask him before I purchased them and the fact that my Mum is in there means I wasn't thinking of my "first" family when I organised this.

I end up feeling like I don't know what I think and that my nice idea (which he would enjoy too) has completely back fired. He will hide my car keys so that we can't go without him.

What have I done wrong? Are my priorities wrong? How do you include an elderly infirm relative in your life (I am here only blood relative living)? How do you make your husband feel important to you?

Any thoughts welcome!

I have my faults is something many of us tend to say when we are around someone who criticises us, or undermines us a lot of the time.

It sounds as if your critic is your DH. You say he spends a lot of time taunting you. That is not the behaviour of a loving partner. You also say he hides your car keys. That isn't normal or healthy behaviour, especially not in a loving relationship.

So you haven't done anything wrong, gremlin. You don't have to ask him about buying tickets for a treat everyone will enjoy. It's a lovely gesture. It sounds like he's acting up about it because you've thought and acted for yourself, instead of consulting him first. So he's picking on anything he can think of to make you feel in the wrong.

He will hide my car keys so that we can't go without him.

How DARE he do this? Is this the kind of thing he does often? Can you use the spare keys or pre-emptively put the car keys somewhere safe. I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that if he does something so petulant and controlling that the relationship is over.

Unless you are scared of him escalating his controlling/abusive behaviour if you confront him, in that case speak to Woman's Aid about how to leave him safely.

You are not his child. You are an adult who has planned an activity that she thinks the whole family would enjoy. If he doesn't think he would enjoy it then he can choose not to go, but he doesn't get to dictate what you do with the rest of the family.

Practically. See if you can go to the event by public transport/taxi.

He's a prick.

For me not looking out for/after elderly relatives is a deal breaker. Children, elderly and animals are a priority above an able, mature, healthy adult.

I obviously have no idea about your family dynamics, I'm giving you an idea about how I feel about it all. But: if my DH would hide my car keys so I can't go somewhere he'd be moving in the shed. And we don't have a shed.

Hi op

My now exh used to do this, he even tried to break my fingers to get the car keys from my hand to stop me leaving the house, slept with them under his pillow.

He also hated how close I was too family and would constantly mess up my plans to see any friends out. I also at the time had a terminally ill child, so I rarely got free hour yet alone evening.
He would go as far as never looking after her as well.

Your dh sounds envious of your small family and like. Toddler resents your attention being taken away from him
These types rarely get better over time, as they have no insight in to their own behaviour, even when you appear to fight back he will ramp up the tactics, to him it's a battle that he must win.

My philosophy is don't fight the war get off of the battle field, this might involve leaving him. If this is your elderly mum do you really want her last years to be spoilt by him, so much so that once she is gone your full of guilt for letting him do this to you and your family? You will resent him in time, and you bloody well know it's not you it's him.

Kick his insecure spiteful arse to the kerb and go live the life you deserve without second guessing his petty reactions all the time.

Thank you for your wise responses which made me laugh and cry!

To update, we did go but without him and had a fab time, he would have enjoyed it.

Have to sort it out really and "get off the battlefield" as you say guiltypleasures.

xx