I can't go on like this

[IrenaDubrovna]

I've been with dp for 12 years, three children. I was 18 when we got together and not in a good place mentally, addicted to drugs, living a terrible lifestyle, just broken. He wasnt any better. We sort of clung together, got sober together and jumped into having kids very quickly, I suppose thinking family would make us well.

We both suffer from depression on and off, but his is more on than off. He'll go into moods for days or weeks, eventually culminating in shouting abuse, threatening to leave, blaming me for everything and anything. This has happened constantly for 12 years, in the early years I'd beg him to stay... In the last few years I've told him to go of he wants to, he never does.

Sex is unfulfilling, to the point where I don't want to anymore... Another topic of tension and blame. He never lasts very long during penetrative sex, which is what I need to climax. He constantly goes down on me when I don't particularly enjoy it, he has no awareness of what I like or don't like... If I try and tell him to stop doing something he gets defensive. He complains I don't make an effort, but the fact is I just don't want to have sex with him anymore. I haven't kissed him on the mouth in 10 years as I can't stand it.

I can't leave, financially and logistically I'd be screwed... I was burying my feelings, waiting it out til the kids are a bit older and leaving would be manageable. But last weekend I met someone, I didn't mean to, I have never cheated on him in 12 years (despite his repeated accusations of such), but I just clicked with this man on a work weekend away... There was an ease that I hadn't realised I was desperately missing until I felt it iyswim? I was attracted to him but didn't for a second think he felt the same so had no intention of acting on it. But on the final night he made a move and I can't describe how amazing it felt to kiss someone, to be touched by someone who was attracted to me as a person, not just a sex aid. Someone who told me I was beautiful with no make up on instead of complaining I don't wear enough. Someone I could talk to about our interests and who valued my opinion. I know it was wrong, and I have no intention in pursuing it (besides anything else he lives abroad). But it has opened up a can of worms inside me, made me realise how much I'm missing out on by staying in this relationship. I thought I could stick it out a few more years, could lie to myself about how I feel, but now I don't think I can.

But I can't leave. I'd have to give up work (my only reprieve atm) as my job is strange hours and irregular, I wouldn't be able to find childcare to cover the sort of shifts I do. If I give up work I'm dooming my kids to years more poverty with a single mom on benefits.

I don't know how to get out, I feel so trapped and helpless.

You need to do your best to forget about this new man for now; your focus needs to be on your relationship. If you want out, you need to start making plans. It might seem difficult, but it is do-able.

Oh I know, the other man is a no go, different countries, different ages (he's younger, totally different stage in his life), baggage on my end.

He was just the catalyst that made me realise how much I'm giving up on by staying.

But how can I get out without making things so much worse for the kids, my job is completely unfeasible to get childcare for but I can't find anything else, I search job websites daily but I'm in a terrible location for jobs, and the kids are settled in school... Moving them would be cruel.

Sounds like your stuck in a difficult situation. Could you go to couples counselling? Do you have friends or family who could help you leave?

Can you wait your current circumstances out? Till either the kids leave current school or new job/prospects turn up. The cross the days off retirement/ light at the end of tunnel scenario.

If you had an end date, would you/could you cope with the current day to day stuff?

Cereal, that's what I've been trying to do, and was succeeding, but I've suddenly hit a point where the thought of more years of my life wasted makes me feel all panicy and upset.

I should have listened, from day one people told me to get out, not to stay but I thought I knew better. People are still telling me to get out but the practicalities are so complicated.

If I could just get a job with regular hours it would help, I'd have an out.

Blunt, I was isolated at home for years so friends are thin on the ground, lots of aquintances and colleagues but noone close enough to do more than listen and sympathise. I have very little family, my mother would live to see me leave but isn't in a position to help practically.

You can talk to us on here. Heard (and seen) it all :-)

Practical plan.
Update cv.
Register with agencies/organisations.
Training/update skills.
Find out 'divorce' options - you say DP. Joint accounts/mortgage/tenancy etc...
Find out benefit options.

Would/could you move for a new job? Children are adaptable. Or what about you being the NRP? Move for a job, see the DC weekends/holidays. Do you currently work so many days on/off? Also, 50:50 share with DP would give you some flexibility with childcare.

Knowledge is power. There is/was a poster called Olgaga. If you search she/he has an amazing list of helpful info.

Keep talking - I'm always staggered at the amazing resourcefulness and compassion of the MN hive mind (most of the time!).

If its really over with your dh, and counselling, talking etc won't make it better - ie, you don't feel love or sexual interest, then what does he want to do?

If he moved out, could you afford an au pair? You need to look at finances and if you are that isolated you probably need to move anyway. Your children might like to move somewhere with more going for it as they get older anyway. It depends how you sell it to them. Can you look at work further afield and see if you can get one, then look at moving? The money will be better too, and perhaps a change of hours.