NC but OM in touch with friend

[purplegadget]

Some may remember I've posted before about my extramarital relationship. Both married with kids, worked together, 12 week relationship before he emigrated to the other side of the world, kept in touch for about 6 weeks been NC for almost 6 months now.

Neither of us wanted to leave our marriages and be together, we knew how it would end but of course emotional involvement is pretty much inevitable despite that.

Really, really hard at first but I thought I was pretty much over it. I can't help but be reminded about him at work, people still talk about him, some are still in touch on Facebook etc. his name is all over documents and systems I use, there's even a huge picture on the wall luckily not in my office. But it's generally OK now.

Colleagues don't know, really they don't.

This week a female colleague, who has become a friend, mentioned him in a work context then said he'd sent her a message on Facebook, she'd not replied straight away and he'd messaged again. She said she really must reply. Later on she mentioned him again and how she missed him sometimes. Luckily her phone rang at that point.

I was surprised how sad it made me that he was still in touch with her especially making the effort to chase up a reply. Oh and yes, I'm sure there was nothing going on between them in case anyone is wondering. I thought he would've moved on with his new life after this amount of time.

He and I were FB friends from before but I hid him as soon as he left and have never been tempted to check out his wall. I don't know whether he has unfriended me - he hadn't when I checked once ages back. I don't post much on FB anymore anyway.

I am sure he won't ever contact me and I wouldn't contact him. When we went NC there was nothing emotional about it - just I think now is the time to stop, bye.

He knows she and I are close. I wonder of he thinks she will mention me? I wonder whether he realises hearing he's in touch with her might hurt me? Then I think - of course there's nothing to it, he's a bloke they just do stuff without over analysing it!

I'm posting just to get this off my chest I suppose. Nobody in RL to talk to. Makes me realise how good it is that he's gone.

I doubt he's thinking of you at all, Purple, you're not in his orbit anymore so he pays you no heed. I know that's hard to consider but it's most likely the truth.

Your 'friend' presumably knew about the affair. If she did, she's no friend of yours because she's having a dig at you unnecessarily. Think about how you will deal with that and maybe next time she tells you that she 'misses him' or some such nonsense, tell her that it is of no interest to you whatsoever.

This man is out of your life, you've done the hard bit. Now you need to keep steadily building your life and try to forget about him.

Lying I told her a couple of months ago that I'd had a relationship last year - we were talking about the state of our respective relationships after more than a few glasses of wine. But, she truly has no idea who it was with and we've never spoken about it since.

The 'normal' thing for me to have done was say 'Say 'Hi' to X for me' - that's what I'd do if it was anyone else. But I said nothing. I don't want him to think I'm thinking of him or want to contact him. I don't.

I know some people find it impossible to believe but these things can happen at work without anyone else knowing but they can.

Yes, I'm deciding what I need to do. Making no decisions till I'm out of the immediate aftermath of it all. I'm getting there which is why it surprised me how I felt when this happened.

There is no 'normal' anymore, Purple. Normal rules and conventions do not apply any longer. That's what it means to have an affair.

Make sure that you don't confide in RL to anybody, ever... you have no idea of the reception of that and the bell can't be 'un-rung'.

As far as HE is concerned, he doesn't exist anymore and you'll have to put up with the heart 'jolts' as an when they happen and not showing it. Sooner or later it will be as if nothing happened (I think, later, maybe).

By 'normal' I meant that in that split second I had to decide what my reaction should be to avoid giving anything away. Was it better to react as I would if nothing had happened between me and X i.e. say something like 'Tell X Purple says 'Hi'' when that's the last thing I want her to say or say nothing and risk it appearing an unnatural reaction.

I have no intention of telling anyone in RL ever who it was.

I'm putting up with and covering up the jolts. There are less of them now and it's getting easier but this one was a pretty direct hit.

What I mean by 'normal' is that there must be no, "Tell x that Purple says 'hi'". No reference, no contact. Put him out of your head because you won't be able to talk about it - not even here.

That's the price. It's heavy. Best wishes.

I agree. Put it out of your head. He's nothing to do with you anymore.

I agree there can be no 'Tell X Purple says 'Hi'' that's the whole point.

I'm annoyed with him for me being put in the situation of having to deal with this i.e. having to behave abnormally and the risk that brings when it's not necessary. He can keep the rest of the guys in the office I just wish he'd leave me this one person.

'Put it out of your head' - not sure what that's meant to mean under the circumstances. When people talk about him or his name is all over stuff I can hardly fail to notice .

Also, I am sure he does think about me. I have no way of knowing how often or in what context (nor does it matter) but, I'm sure he does. He would be a very strange person indeed if I never ever crossed his mind, at this stage anyway.

If I want to talk about it I can - with my counsellor.

Yes, Purple of course you can. You can talk about it anywhere you want to, I didn't mean that you can't post here, more that there isn't much of an appetite for supporting OW, ex or otherwise and some of the comments can be pretty damning or downright spiteful. It's good that you're in counselling.

Would it be realistic for you to change your job?

I don't take any notice of those type of comments. People are entitled to their opinions but an awful lot of projecting and generalisation goes on. Every situation is different.

But amongst all that there are helpful and insightful posts. Yours often being some of them Lying

Like Mexican Springtime says, change your job if possible. End of.!!!

flat... That's a bit glib really; the job market is not exactly buoyant at the moment. It's also incredibly easy to say and very difficult to do when you're in this state.

Erm...no.

1. I really like my job
2. It's flexible
3. It's a 10 minute commute
4. He left 7 months ago and now lives on the other side of the world - yes, reminders of him are there but for me to leave would be a slight overreaction I think
5. The colleague he's in touch with would still be my friend even if I left my job so the problem wouldn't even go away

The way I read your OP is that your colleague here ups flirting with him - she's got mentionitis and that's probably based on at least some encouragement.

You said that you were sure he kept your affair compartmentalised and secret. So would you even know if you were his only extra-marital affair?

But even if you think that's theorising too far ahead of facts, I think it is seriously unlikely that his flirting with her is in any way connected to you.

Purple you need to get a total grip you are been unreasonable..

A guy keeps in touch with male an female members of his old office??????

That is 100% normal and u just need to get used to it unfortunately..You have no control whatsoever of what he chooses to do....

Just dont get involved at all in saying hi or all that bollox....Try and stay strong u have come such a long way well done.

Concentrate on your marriage and stop cheating on your husband ffs.....you were just a bit of fun for him b4 he left thats obvious.

Learn from this close shave....either shape up with your husband or u might as well leave him....He dont deserve this kind if behaviour.

Purple... Your thread actually makes me a bit uneasy and then when I read this post from you I wondered what is really going on:

I'm annoyed with him for me being put in the situation of having to deal with this i.e. having to behave abnormally and the risk that brings when it's not necessary. He can keep the rest of the guys in the office I just wish he'd leave me this one person.

You CHOSE to enter into this affair with him. He is free to talk to whoever he wants to and whether he and your friend would be thrown together in work circumstances or not, it's really no concern of yours. I thought your comment was really quite arrogant. The people in your office are not yours - and his - personal 'pawns' to move about as you like.

'Put it out of your head' - not sure what that's meant to mean under the circumstances. When people talk about him or his name is all over stuff I can hardly fail to notice confused.

Your affair is not current and it was over 7 months ago. Yes, you'll probably have a jolt or two when you hear his name mentioned or see his name somewhere but what of it? Why does that impact so heavily? You have a whole other life with somebody else - and children. I'm certainly not lecturing you for having an affair but I'm wondering why you're still allowing yourself so much focus on this man?

I know that people are different but, if I'd been having an affair and my husband none the wiser, the affair had ended and I'd decided to stay - I'd be thanking my lucky stars and compensating - making it up to my family even though they wouldn't know why. You don't mention them at all.

Also, I am sure he does think about me. I have no way of knowing how often or in what context (nor does it matter) but, I'm sure he does. He would be a very strange person indeed if I never ever crossed his mind, at this stage anyway.

He would not be a strange person not to think of you, Purple. The affair is over and, like it or not, some people (frequently men) are very good at compartmentalising, putting things neatly away after use. You may pop into his head or you may not. How you can be so certain that you do feature in his thoughts astonishes me. Why does it even matter to you? I think you should explore that aspect, ie. why it matters to you, not dwell on whether he thinks of you or not.

I get the impression that the ending of the affair was down to him. A relationship really doesn't end by 'mutual' consent. The closest approximation is that one person definitely wants it to end and the other says 'ok' but probably wouldn't have ended it themselves.

My interpretation (which could very well be wrong) of your responses on this thread is that you're trying very hard to hide your hurt behind being a bit blasé and 'matter of fact'. You say that you would have thought he's moved on now - I imagine that he has, but you haven't. I think you're still dwelling on what was, wallowing a bit, and the 'possessiveness' that you still have over this man is quite obvious.

Answer this please Purple: If this man never thought of you again in any more depth than 'Oh yes, Purple' and moved on to the next document... if he had moved on to another relationship with your colleague - or with somebody else... How much would these realisations impact your life?

You say that you can talk about this in counselling. How much counselling have you had in 7 months and are you any further forward, do you think? In my opinion, you need more sessions because if you've been having counselling, and gone through the normal 'grieving' of a relationship breakdown, this 'stuff' really shouldn't still be on your chest.

Something needs to change, Purple. You will never be able to grieve openly for this relationship because 1) you were/are already in a primary relationship - and with children, and 2) it was an affair. I think that you need to come to terms with both of those facts and decide how you will work on putting this affair firmly behind you... if for no other reason then because HE clearly has.

I wish you well and hope that you will honestly explore your feelings with your counsellor - or find another one.

You CHOSE to enter into this affair with him. He is free to talk to whoever he wants to and whether he and your friend would be thrown together in work circumstances or not, it's really no concern of yours. I thought your comment was really quite arrogant. The people in your office are not yours - and his - personal 'pawns' to move about as you like.

The point is simply 'having to behave abnormally and the risk that brings when it's not necessary'. Not about pawns or owning anyone.

If the roles were reversed then I'd gradually/naturally bow out of most relationships with old colleagues certainly with his closest work friend. It just seems sensible and considerate to me.

Your affair is not current and it was over 7 months ago. Yes, you'll probably have a jolt or two when you hear his name mentioned or see his name somewhere but what of it? Why does that impact so heavily?

It doesn't generally - it did 6,5 even 4 months ago but not now. In this example I felt really put on the spot about how to react in a way that was 'normal' (i.e. nothing had happened between us) but didn't leave me open to be appearing to try to resume contact. Simple. That's why I was annoyed more than upset. Though I was fleetingly upset.

I know that people are different but, if I'd been having an affair and my husband none the wiser, the affair had ended and I'd decided to stay - I'd be thanking my lucky stars and compensating - making it up to my family even though they wouldn't know why. You don't mention them at all.

I've not decided to stay. I don't mention my family because this post is about that one tiny incident last week not the whole situation.

He would not be a strange person not to think of you, Purple. The affair is over and, like it or not, some people (frequently men) are very good at compartmentalising, putting things neatly away after use. You may pop into his head or you may not. How you can be so certain that you do feature in his thoughts astonishes me. Why does it even matter to you? I think you should explore that aspect, ie. why it matters to you, not dwell on whether he thinks of you or not.

Have to agree to disagree on this one I'm afraid. To me it is very strange to never think of someone - random things make me think of people all the time. I don't mean I am sure he spends lots of time actively thinking about me and he may well actively dismiss me from his mind when I do 'pop up'. I just mean it seems to me very odd to never think at all of someone who was a big part of your life whether recently or not. I don't dwell on how much he thinks of me, I can never know and it has no bearing on my life.

I get the impression that the ending of the affair was down to him. A relationship really doesn't end by 'mutual' consent. The closest approximation is that one person definitely wants it to end and the other says 'ok' but probably wouldn't have ended it themselves.

I generally agree. But we were in unusual circumstances. When it started we both knew the date that we would definitely never see each other again. This was a big part of how/why I allowed myself to get involved. There was a mutually acknowledged timescale from the start. We kept in touch for a few weeks after he left but there wasn't much point, it was just risking getting found out and for what? He sent the 'now's the time' message but I'd drafted one already (wanted to re-read it to make sure I'd said things the way I wanted to). But, I suffered the deaths of two friends in two days just after that (you really couldn't make it up) and my attention was distracted. So, he beat me to it in the end but it was as mutual as it gets.

You say that you would have thought he's moved on now - I imagine that he has, but you haven't.

I meant moved on away from maintaining much contact with ex-colleagues he will never see again. Not to do with our relationship. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

the 'possessiveness' that you still have over this man is quite obvious.

I'm not possessive of him - if anything I'm possessive of my friend.

Answer this please Purple: If this man never thought of you again in any more depth than 'Oh yes, Purple' and moved on to the next document... if he had moved on to another relationship with your colleague - or with somebody else... How much would these realisations impact your life?

Not at all now. If he'd moved on to a relationship with my friend just after we'd split I'd have been pretty upset. If it was someone else where he is now, I'd not be bothered a) it's not as if we could've carried on anyway and b) he's not life partner material for me for many, many reasons.

And there's no suggestion that he's flirting with or trying to have some sort of (extremely) long distance romantic/sexual relationship with my friend.

You say that you can talk about this in counselling. How much counselling have you had in 7 months and are you any further forward, do you think? In my opinion, you need more sessions because if you've been having counselling, and gone through the normal 'grieving' of a relationship breakdown, this 'stuff' really shouldn't still be on your chest.

I had several sessions early in the year following the crisis that was Xmas/New Year. I've taken a break because I just needed time to pass, for everything to calm down so I can start to decide what I want to do. Three months brought a big change and I'm almost at six months now (he left over 7 months ago but I don't count the end as until we went NC 6 weeks later). The deaths of my friends has had a bigger impact on how I feel about my marriage to be honest.

I'll go back soon because I don't want to be where I am with my marriage in a year's time.

You will never be able to grieve openly for this relationship because 1) you were/are already in a primary relationship - and with children, and 2) it was an affair.

I know I can't generally and I don't wish to. I do have one well chosen RL friend I've sometimes talked to about how I'm feeling.

What I need to do is explore my feelings about my marriage.

The OM really isn't the big deal in this. He was once (emotionally though never intellectually) but he really isn't any more.

The point of this thread was really just simply 'having to behave abnormally and the risk that brings when it's not necessary'. It's just something I would've avoided if the roles were reversed. Clearly not everyone would've done.

It may well never happen again.