I don't think my mother has ever said a positive thing to me in all life

[rainyrainrain]

I just need a rant.
My mother arrived last night and so far we have had digs about my weight(she is bigger btw), digs about the size of our flat and just now she told me my grandmother would spin in her grave at the state of my flat, meaning its dirty. This was prompted by some limescale on the showerscreen. The flat is most definitely not dirty, granted I should have doused the shower in viakal before she arrived.

But I have a 5month old and a rather challenging 3 year old. DH works full time and we have no family help at all.we have had no time away from the children ever. Once asked her if she could look after dd1 for a couple of hours in the afternoon when she was here and she refused. She doesn't lift a finger when she is here even when we had a newborn yet when we go to visit them we have to do all our own cooking(which she then comes and 'shares')

We work bloody hard and all she can do is find fault. I don't know why I still bother with her.

My mother is much the same except never comes to see me and my children - I always have to vist/call her. Perhaps you should be grateful that at least you have a Mum that visits and I assume she only comes to see you because she wants to? As annoying as she might be perhaps the problem is with you letting her wind you up. Let it all go over your head, chill out and anticipate her behaviours rather then set your own expectations of her that she will surely fail to meet.

She only comes to see the grandkids she would never come to see me. I'm mostly wise to her ways and in fact anticipated all the digs. I play mother bingo with dh when she comes. The comment about my grandmother was so mean spirited though. My granny would have just wiped the shower screen down without even saying anything because she could see I have my hands full. As would I if I was to visit DD in similar circumstances. But she just has to make me feel bad.

How long is she staying? I had a mum very like this. You need coping strategies and a mantra.

It's her not me. Was mine.

My strategy was to lower my expectations right down to bare minimum and expect a barrage of criticism and no empathy from her ever.

So start the count down. Get through one day at a time. Laugh about her with your dh. Bingo is a good idea.

She will go home eventually and you can pour yourself a big glass.

Why have you invited her to stay in your house? If you think there is value in her having a relationship with your children (which I rather doubt, since eventually she will start criticising the crap out of them too), she can do it somewhere else.

I am flabbergasted that you have to cook for yourselves when you go there. Again, why do you do it?

I think if your Mum has a good relationship with your dc then you have to put up with her for their sakes. They are entitled to a grandma and to form their own opinion of her. They will soon let her know if they are fed up and will be far more direct about it! As Flyingducky says - just lower your own expectations

I would say it's not helpful for the children to see their grandmother constantly badmouthing their mother and their mother putting up with it.

If the relationship between the grandmother and the children is a happy one, why can't she see them outside the OP's home?

Well she seems to be satisfied with her digs this morning and has been civil the rest of the day.
She is staying until Monday. We don't live in the same country and she wouldn't actually want to have the kids by herself I think.
I usually call her out on whatever manipulative crap she comes out with, which doesn't make me popular but is very satisfying.
I do tolerate her for the sake of the children.DH doesn't have much family and they are also in a different(far away) country so DDs wouldn't have much family left if we went no contact. She is good with the children and they love her but I am keeping a very close eye on her, if she starts anything with them I will stop contact.
Most of what she does(comments and little digs) is fairly subtle and it took me until I was in my 20s to see through it but I do now.
Since I had children myself I get a bit sad sometimes that my own mother is so 'unmotherly' ,for want of a better word.

Only two days to go. You can get through this. How is the bingo card? Filling up nicely?

You sound like you have great self awareness and its good you see through her. You're also making a conscious choice to mother your children in a different way and keeping tabs on her when she is with them.

It could be helpful, once she has gone, to build some more strategies to cope with her attacks, I'm assuming she knows exactly what buttons to press, and also to accept and understand that her behaviour is not your fault.