Facing The Ex When Handing Over Kids

[NormalBloke]

My ex called time on our marriage several weeks ago and we are separated...No one else was involved she just sick of our difference in parenting styles and must have just fell out of love with me.

I am absolutely devastated and miss her and my children soooo much...She is moving on with her life, I tried to beg at first but that didn't work (obviously) so I have just stepped back totally tried to look after myself and concentrate on the kids.

Getting through each day is like a living hell.....as I am trying to do NC to give her the space she needs.

However one of the most upsetting things is when we meet every Friday to pick up the kids....I just keep it business like , smile be super pleasant and pick them up.....But when I see her standing there i just want to take her in my arms and give her the biggest cuddle and tell her how much I love her!!!!!!!!

Everything I drop them off I go through the same agony .......looking at her standing there in front of me thinking about how we used to be so happy..aaaaaaggggghhhhhhhh this is real pain

I then get back in the car and sob my eyes out and start screaming out in agony.

Just how do you cope???? Am I behaving the correct way so far ?????
It's early days but I am stressing out and thinking one day in the future what if there is an OM there....how the hell will I cope with that....I am torturing myself mentally and just want to get it off my chest.

I thought about using a 3rd party place to pick up to avoid upset but part of me thinks to speed up the healing process I should face up to her each time however tough .Is this strategy correct?

I'm sorry you're feeling so upset. It's totally normal I think. Very difficult to switch off feelings for someone, especially when you have to see them again. It hurts a lot to be rejected and it doesn't help to have constant reminders. I don't think facing up to her is the correct strategy actually. 'Out of sight, out of mind'... gives you a far better chance to heal. It takes a long time to get over a bad break-up.

Assuming she's a reasonable person, you could ask her to keep the handover time to a bare minimum and tell her you're finding it difficult. You could go the third party route. By all means smile but you don't have to be super-pleasant or strike up any kind of conversation.

OP I am sorry you are in so much pain.

Can you just confirm you aren't letting your DC see how upset you are? It could be very damaging to them to see this.

How old are they? Are you able to park on drive/right outside? I would be tempted to text/beep horn and let them come running out to you. Same on drop off, just park up, text her to say you are outside, or ring the bell and walk away. You can stay in your car to make sure she has opened door and let them back in.

Have you had counselling?

The handover is kept to a bare minimum......I suppose i am just making a pathetic attempt for her to see what she's missing that's all by been cool calm and confident.

I know a reconciliation may never ever happen but I just want to project myself as someone she may want to be with again. I really love her.

I never get upset in front of the kids......and they are too young to get in the car themselves....

I also am a bit scared that f I don't face up to her during meetings it will make me look weak and pathetic in her mind and reinforce her feelings that she does want our relationship anymore.

Probably over thinking it but its just so sad....Would chop my right arm off to go back in time to how things were......This just sucks I somehow just need to find the strength to battle on.

3rd party pick up is not a bad idea, or if they are old enough you ask them to come to you in the car and you don't get out. I think you need to work on your own boundaries too, to me they seem very unclear, your OP reads to me as a mix of blurred boundaries (which may just be the new break up, but I wonder whether it isn't more - low self esteem perhaps). She isn't your possession to cuddle or torture yourself with. I think for your own sanity you need to better understand where you end and she begins and see you both as two totally separate beings. It would also be better for your DC not to be aware of your upset, and if you are screaming out in pain after you drop them off, they must be aware of the emotional build up to that. Counselling sounds like a good idea, I would second that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be like torture having to see her regularly. My brother went through this a few years back, I'd never seen him in so much pain before. When she said she wanted a divorce he just turned up at my house and cried - I'd never seen him cry before, even as kids. I didn't think he'd ever get over it but gradually he has. It took time but he's happy again now and so will you be. Have you got support in real life? If you have lean on them and be honest about how you're feeling. If a third party doing the handover makes you feel better then go for it, give yourself a bit of recovery time.

I think, when she says the marriage is over, you have to start taking her seriously rather than keep torturing yourself thinking there's a chance you can get back together. I know it's painful to acknowledge it's finished but that's the stark reality. If anything will make you look weak and pathetic it's doing what is known around here as the 'pick me dance'. That'll get you nothing but contempt.

I hope you have some RL support and that you can get past the pain & find your anger and indignation soon.

Although not in the same situation, I too have had horrendous problems with contact handovers for very different reasons. You don't say how old the children are, but could you perhaps move to a school collection on Fridays (although I appreciate this will not cover holiday times). I don't know what your arrangements are but if you have EOW, you could also return them to school on Mondays.

I think this is all too much at the moment and will affect the child's quality contact with you. You must move to a third party handover. Can your parents help you out as the children will be handed over to someone they know and love? Perhaps you could wait in the car so not contact time is missed.

You clearly hope - and rightly - to forge an amicable relatonship for the childrens' sake for the future. It is too soon at the moment and you have to protect yourself from this pain for your sake and that of your children.