Will he resent me if I don't work?

[shimada]

I am in a long term relationship of over 10 years with my boyfriend, we are both mid 30's. A have not been in work for 4 years now and have been on ESA due to ill health with Chronic Migraine which means I have disabling migraines a least 15 days a month. I get treatment at my local neurology ward but trying drugs and treatments takes time and so far my success rate is poor.

My boyfriend and I would like to move in together and are looking at property online. My boyfriend is a civil engineer and makes 30,000 (before tax) a year so I would lose all my state benefits if I were to move in with him, which I have explained to him, if I can't work he would be expected to provide for me.

I am worried about what will happen when we do finally live together. I am willing to work but very few employers are willing to take on people with chronic, unpredictable conditions. I would need a lot of flexability, time off when ill or if I am getting tests or treatments, coupled with my time out of the job market it makes it very difficult to find work.

I have a post graduate degree and working from home, self employed might work but I have lost confidence and I can't imagine I would earn much. I try to think how I would be able to contribute to the home in other ways by cooking from scratch, practicing good home economics, growing our own veg, diy etc and hopefully making some money later with part time work at home.

I'll be honest I do not care for the work place however my view is tainted by by past experiance with my health problems. I need to be able to control my enviroment as lighting, pollution, noise etc are all triggers for me. In the past in work places I was bullied because my health problems got on other peoples nerves which I totally understand. I'm introverted and shy, not a people person at all and very happy to be alone all day. I don't care much for material wealth or career success.

I worry that my partner will grow to resent me if I am not out making money, or working full time. There is such a stigma about work these days its like work is a moral imperative.

By not working I can better cope with my health problems, and be a better life partner, I'd be happier and I could make a better home for my boyfriend and take the stress off him at home.

But maybe I am living in a fantasy world if I think that is going to work out well, perhaps resentment is inevitable?

I'd just like some feedback on what you all think. If you have any ideas on work that would be suitable then please share them with me.

Thank you for reading this.

Hello and I'm really sorry to hear about your long term health problems and how debilitating they are on your life.

Regarding your boyfriend, as you have been together for so many years, he must be aware of your health and how it effects your life. Do you think you are 'over thinking' everything? I've found there are no black or white solutions in life, I just weigh up the pros and cons and then take a deep breath and just jump in. You need to have this conversation with your BF.

I agree with the PP. If you're chronically ill, if he's known you for 10 years and he's still proposing you move in together then presumably he's not expecting you to suddenly jump from your sick-bed and start earning a fat salary. Or knit your own muesli for that matter. Sounds like he accepts you for who and what you are, and that's all any of us can expect. If you have genuine doubts about the relationship or you don't want to set up home with someone else then obviously don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Otherwise, I'm sorry you've been bullied in the past and would suggest you look at ways to improve your confidence and self-esteem. There is no 'stigma'.

The difficulty with moving in together is that it will be difficult for you to move out again if things don't go to plan, unless say, you already own your own home which you'd be renting out, or he's going to move in with you, in a way where he's not going to acquire any right to stay in your house. If you're not in one of those situations you would have difficulties renting in the private sector/there's a shortage of council housing/it's unlikely you're in a position to buy.

Yours is a situation where marrying would be a good move, if he really is committed to supporting you - that way you'd have a duty to support each other financially, not merely an assumption in the benefits system that you are supporting one another financially.

You'd keep any DLA/PIP (so claim, if you haven't already) and the NI Credits bit of ESA (www.hmrc.gov.uk/ni/intro/credits.htm#3).

How did he react when you explained that moving in with him would mean a reduction in your benefits? Did he say it didn't matter to him, or was he full of unwarranted optimism that you would be able to get a job in no time?
If his view of the future is both realistic (you are too ill to work) and sympathetic (he knows what your health is like and loves you anyway and doesn't expect you to bring in extra money) then you should be OK together. If he's impatient with your illness or suggests that you need 'tough love' or to 'get a grip' then don't move in with him.

Working from home is the obvious answer as you can control your work environment.

If you have lost confidence due to your health issues, then it might be worthwhile getting some therapy. It may simply be lack of confidence that is holding you back from initiating work you can do from home. You could cook and grow vegetables, but if you feel ok to do that you might as well be doing something for which you get paid.

I believe work (the right work in the right environment in your case) gives people confidence and self esteem. It's very difficult to feel confident when you're not doing anything constructive. You could start with voluntary work.

I have stopped working due to a chronic health problem and after working for all of our long married life, was worried about this.

The truth has been that my DH has no resentment whatsoever and gladly shares his money with me. He also does much more work about the house and pays for additional help. I really did fret about this and my wise counsellor just said to talk to him about it. And I did and it was fine.

So talk to him. Then you'll know.

Good luck and I hope you find some helpful treatment soon.

Is your house a council house or housing association house? Where does he live now?

If yours is ha or council could he move into yours to see how it goes? If it doesn't work out then least he can move out and you will get housing benefit again which presumably covers your rent.

I hope they eventually find a treatment for you, good luck.

I would only move in if you got engaged and were planning and imminent marriage tbh otherwise you are leaving yourself extremely vulnerable financially.

I am also a non-working spouse with permanent health issues, I lost a lot of benefits when I moved in with DH. He has never once seemed resentful and takes it as given that he will support me, as that's part of what being in a committed relationship is.

You may well keep your ESA if it's contributions based and you're in the support group. You'd also keep any DLA/PIP you get. If you don't receive that, it's worth making a claim. It is worth getting a benefits check to ensure all your claims are correct and up to date.

Also I agree that you leave yourself quite vulnerable if you're moving in as a cohabitee rather than married. Although I suppose if the relationship broke down then you'd end up in the same situation as before, having to claim benefits as a single person for a rental. Are you currently looking at properties to buy or rent?

Sounds like you need to talk to him :-)

You can't guarantee that Mexican the govt are getting very draconian and harsh on entitlement. ATM the op has made a successful claim, there is no guarantee that she could do that again if she moved in and it went wrong. They seem to be doing everything they can to trick people out of their entitlements ATM. It isn't something I'd be too complacent about.

I have been able to keep my ESA and DLA despite DH being on a high income. Obviously the govt are changing rules all the time so it's best to check with CAB and not be complacent (hence why it's good to protect yourself with marriage as well), but the current law is that they don't depend on a partner's income if the benefit is contribution-based support group ESA or DLA.

No, I know that. I volunteer at CAB as it happens and we have seen an awful lot of claims for ESA failing in what I feel are very unfair ways because of tricky procedural rules. I wouldn't recommend relying on being able to successfully claim again if the op lost it due to living with her partner.

It is good advice to go to CAB though and check entitlements and make a plan.

(But I still would not move in without minimum of engagement and wedding date booked - just done family law module of law degree)

Hello OP. I have been married for 14 years, DH was made redundant 3 years ago, he also has a chronic illness which limits his mobility? We live on my salary which is about the same as your partners. We also have a DS aged 11. It hasn't been easy adjusting to living on one wage and I had to use all of my inheritance from my parents estate to pay off our mortgage, without doing this we would have really struggled financially. DH does all the housework and cooking, now DS is 11 we don't have much by way of childcare needs but if DS is ill DH is there so that I can work.

Sometimes things are tight and I wish We had a bit more spare cash for treats or holidays. Sometimes I grind my teeth about it and wish DH was working. Then I remember why I married him, all the qualities he has, the work he does in the home, the vows we made (richer, poorer, sickness, health etc), how much DS gets from having his dad around, how much we all get from having time together. Any resentment I do feel is very fleeting when I put it in that context.