Stonewalling Husband

[jamiemars]

Hi, I found this site through a kind person on Myfitnesspal.com. I have had the most awful week imaginable and the stress of it all is killing me. It would be great to have some feedback on this. Thank you!
I will try to make a long story short. When I met my husband 18 or so years ago, I was very attractive and of normal weight. I've since had two kids, and with two jobs for the past decade, I have gained a lot of weight due to stress and depression. I still have two jobs (one is an online teaching job and the other is a weekday cubicle job) and little time to myself. My husband works away from home during the week. It's temporary, til the end of this summer. He started on this project in January, so it's been a few months since I've been single mom during the week.

This past weekend, he kept picking on me passive aggressively, making snide remarks about me sleeping late and buying too much at the grocery store. I finally confronted him about his mean jabs. He told me he is sick of me being overweight and not taking care of myself, and he has no hope I will change. He said I am in a black hole and won't get out of it because it's too hard. Then he started to talk about our compatibility, saying we are very compatible personality-wise, but my life habits aren't compatible wtih his. He complained about he messy house (it's not that bad ... he is a stickler for clutter, so we keep it pretty bare ... ). Thursday nights I scramble around to get the house clean for him, but it is never good enough. There is always still laundry to do, and he complains about having to do trash on the weekends. He hates any type of clutter, so if I have a bag to go to Goodwill laying around for weeks, he'll snarp about it.
I felt very frightened when he was telling me all this, because it reinforced my suspicions that he really doesn't like me anymore. We barely have sex anymore. This has been going on for years. He is just not that into me anymore. He may "love" me but I am not the person he married.
The warning signal came when he told me he had evolved, and I just hadn't. A fight ensued.
He went to work Tuesday morning ... long drive. He never called me at night like he usually does, so I called him and we fought. He stonewalled, not saying anything at all like he usually does, wanting me to get off the phone.
Last night he never called me. Tonight he never called me. This is a first.
I just don't think he loves me anymore. He has gotten to the point where he won't pursue me. He is insulting and doesn't apologize. When is he away, he usually calls or texts every night, but there was one night recently where I had to call him because it was so late, and he claimed he was just sitting around. WTF. He just does not care to keep in close contact with me. It's like I have to chase after him.
He is such a pansy. He is too feminine for me. I feel like I am dealing with a girl. He is so immature I can't stand it. The stonewalling is incredibly damaging to me. I just don't know what to do anymore. He is all about himself - his fitness takes top priority. He is always mixing up his shakes and popping his vitamins and looking at me in disdain. I just can't stand it anymore. I don't know what to do.

Shady, I hate to say this but could he have met someone else while working away? It seems strange that all of a sudden he is picking a fight with you even though things have been difficult for a while?

I have read in the past that little things like agreeing or disagreeing on what time to go to bed, wheather the lights are on or off etc are what makes and breaks a marriage over the years. My own parents agrue most bitterly about my fathers clutter as my mum is a neat freak and my dad is very messy, and her harping on about it makes him resentful. They are not divorced though.

He obviously sees himself as a cut above you which isn't very loving, if he really cared about you he would be helping you make the changes he wants you to make, finding out how you feel.

I think at this point you need to find out if he is just a bit mad at you or if he has another woman in the wings.

" he had evolved, and I just hadn't"

That's a version of 'I don't know what I want any more', 'I've never been happy', 'we want different things' .... etc. Sometimes it means there's someone else they've got their eye on. Other time it's that they think the relationship has run its course.

Whatever the truth, I'd suggest you resist the temptation to blame yourself (the weight gain etc) and stop waiting for him to make his mind up about your future. He seems to regard you with contempt and the only way to combat that is to take control & be assertive. I think an honest conversation is on the cards and you have to take a few risks to save your self-respect.

Good luck

Lose the weight for yourself. And then ditch him.

I agree, it sounds like he has found someone.

So sorry to read your post OP. Are you in the US?

I agree with cogito that you need to take back control.

It does sound as though this marriage is over. He treats you with contempt, and to be honest, you don't sound very fond of him either. The way I have read your post is that you are upset that he no longer wants you, but actually, you don't particularly want him either.

If I were you I would ask him to stay away to give you space to decide how you want to proceed, then I would see a lawyer to explore my options. Do you have children?

I am willing to bet that once you are separated you will find that your life is much freer and happier, and maybe you will get your self esteem back too?

Good luck and keep posting if it helps.

Here's an easter bunny for you

You sound hurt and confused. He could very simply and without venom tell you that he is no longer happy in the relationship and wishes you well but proposes a separation. He could have but hasn't. He has deliberately chosen a confrontational hostile approach.

Your children (or Dear Children DCs as we say on this board) will be facing upheaval and uncertainty so for their sakes I hope you both try and behave with dignity and stay as civil as possible around them.

Your appearance and housekeeping skills are sticks to jab you with, they're secondary so don't waste time addressing these while he's being insulting.

Anyone may weigh more after years of marriage but attractiveness doesn't necessarily vanish as the dress size gets bigger. Btw what's with the pansy remark, don't stoop to his level. If you look at a new health regime do it for yourself.

God forbid he should suffer a stroke or be in a car crash or develop a medical condition requiring ongoing care but I can almost guarantee he'd not notice you carrying some extra weight.

I wonder when your depression began. Is it something you have had diagnosed, do you take medication? Lots of people raise DCs and hold down jobs but however demanding their lives, they don't feel dragged down by stress or depression. The disintegrating bond with your H could have sparked that. It takes two so don't let him make you think it's all your fault.

Easier for your H to find fault and pin the blame on you than admit he bears responsibility too. Get advice, where do you stand financially, can you and your DCs remain in the marital home?