Friends strange behaviour

[Ghirly]

I'll try and keep this brief...

My closest friend started becoming distant with me a few months ago, ignoring invites, saying she was skint and couldn't go out etc
We were very close and used to go away for a few days every few months, I'd see her almost every day.

Last year her marriage broke down and she lost a lot of weight, gained confidence and started socialising with other people - that was completely fine as I am a single parent with a 3 yr old so can't always go out.

I asked her a few times if I had done anything wrong, she was very insistent that everything was fine but I noticed that I was always the one initiating conversations, asking her to meet up etc.

I had been seeing a guy for about 18 months who treated me really bad, he had a problem with drink etc she knew what I went through, witnessed me sobbing my heart out over him and as I saw her every day she knew everything.
In November I went NC with him as he messed me up emotionally to the extent I ended up in counselling.

I have now found out that him and my friend are, and always have been, in contact. He text me to tell me she had been telling him things I'd said about him.
He wouldn't give me any details but just finding out she is friendly with him has devastated me.

It feels like she has sacrificed our friendship for the sake of this guy - whom she knows is bad news - and he says she has been causing trouble for him, again I don't know any details.

I stopped initiating contact and as a result I've not spoken to her for a couple of months.

Should I rise above it and keep silent to maintain some dignity? I really want to tell her how much she has hurt me and that she is welcome to the guy.
Other friends are telling me to forget her and rise above it.

I just can't believe my supposed best friend would do this to me.

How do I handle this?

Well the man sounds pretty horrible. It's not impossible that he targeted her in order to hurt you, and he's either messed her up so that she doesn't feel like seeing anyone, or she is too ashamed of having been taken in by him to get in touch with you.

I think the best thing for the moment is to try to move on. Maybe in time you and your friend will be able to talk to each other agaiin and probably bond over how this man took you both for a ride, but right now it's likely to be too raw altogether.

Thank you solid

I do think the guy targeted my friend on purpose as you said, I even warned my friend that he would do this and she said none of my good friends would get involved with him?! Ironic huh?

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I'll just move on.

Yes - you don't know what has been going on. But what you do know is that you have someone who used to be your closest friend who is no longer being straight with you for some reason, despite your efforts to initiate a conversation about whatever has gone wrong. Reason enough, I think, to move on and leave her/them to it. Whatever that 'it' may be.

There's every chance he has completely turned her against you, (sorry total speculation here). Even still, if she is disengaging from your friendship on the basis of what he has said, that is fairly telling, all the same.

Either way, she has chosen him over you and has chosen to accept whatever he says over your friendship which is completely disloyal.

Sounds like the friendship is over. Move on. There are plenty other fish in the sea!

I agree to moving on. If she told him things you said to her in confidence, whether or not "confidential" was explicitly declared, then that is gossiping behind your back. A true insult. Imho, it would be very difficult to ever trust her with anything personal again (even if you did reconcile).

Thank you so much everyone. It seems to be unanimous.

I'm really sad about how things have worked out but I agree that I would never be able to trust her again.

Fab yeah I've seen them having conversations on fb (deleted them both now tho) I even told my friend that I found it upsetting that she was chatting to him, she apologised, said she felt really bad but it just continued.

Onwards and upwards I guess.