I know it's not right, I just don't know how to deal with it.

[HidingFromMyself]

It's my fault because I make him angry.
It's my fault because I make stupid comments.
It's my fault because I ask him to sleep in our bed.
It's my fault because I turn him down when the dc are there.
It's my fault because I'm a sahm and he earns the money.
It's my fault because I ask for help with dc when he's not working.
It's my fault because I want things I don't deserve.

I feel like shit.
I honestly do think it must be all my fault.

I'm also over reacting because he doesn't hit me so it's not like it's dv or anything.

You know he's not the measure of the state of your relationship and you don't need his permission to leave?

so what you going to do about it

And these days DV is often considered to include many forms of abuse, from physical to emotional abuse, including sexual and financial.

So he doesn't hit you, but what does he do?

I can't leave, I have 57p in my purse, no family no friends and nowhere to go.
I still love him I just wish he would love me back again.

well he doesn't - phone womens aid and go to a shelter

I can't even put my finger in it, he's so distant.
I'm working hard to cook, clean, get dc happy and make everything perfect but it's never quite good enough. Every day I feel like a little bit more of me is chipped away and in a sick way I'll be glad when I'm all gone.

Oh hen...he doesn't love you back. Don't waste any more of your precious love on this cruel man.
Please speak to Women's Aid.

I'm also over reacting because he doesn't hit me so it's not like it's dv or anything.

is that waht he told you?

This is your life, this is your relationship.
It's not a rough patch, this is it. This is what you're settling for.
So many people seem to be content to have misery rather than take a few uncomfortable steps to get away. You don't need to be one of them. Having the odd woe-is-me vent and some pats on the back wont make your life less shit.
So you've got 57p, find out what your rights are, what help you're entitled to.
I left with nothing, absolutely zero. Lots of others do to. It's not lack of funds that keep you there.
If you'd actually prefer this than being on your own then you're just going to have to make peace with the fact that this is it, this is all your life will be.
Just know that what happens next is absolutely your choice. Leaving is absolutely possible. Not easy but that's often the case for anything worth achieving.

Do ring WA. They will be able to help you, from a place to stay to sorting finances, legal help and benefits, should you need them.

You're depressed because he's depressing you. You'd be surprised how happy you can be when no one is constantly telling you lies about how crap you are.

How old are your DC?

Don't try to analyse him. It's not your job. You have your DC and yourself to think about, so save all your effort for yourselves. You are worth every ounce of your attention and love, and so are your DC.

You can leave him. And you will be happy and confident again.

When did you feel like he didn't love you anymore?

Erm, he's abusing you.
Quietly, softly-softly, start making escape plans.
Don't try to make him love you, just do what you can for now to keep the peace and when he's out, contact women's aid.
Then go.
It is not your fault.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

Are you ever afraid of him?

I'm not scared of him anymore, I used to be because he can get himself really angry but I just walk away now which really winds him up
He's being nice again this morning, like he's forgotten all of it.
I've not seen him he was gone to work when I woke up.
I'll spend a couple of days thinking about what I want to do.
He'll be lovely for a week or so now he's got it all out.

I don't want to leave, I do still love him even if I know he's an arsehole, I like my house and dc are happy, they don't see much of his arsyness so would blame me for driving their perfect dad away.

Maybe he will be nice for longer this time?
I just have to get the voice out of my head that says "yeah but what if he gets worse"
I don't know what to do, if I was on your side of the screen I'd be saying "LTB! Why are you waiting?" But it's not as clearcut on this side.

But he will get worse - and your children will see ALL of his arseyness - they will know everything and it will effect them.

He will be lovely for a week because they do just enough to keep you there. When you are settled it will start again. Lather rinse repeat.

I am telling you that your childre will pick up on it. You're being broken away bit by bit. Of course they'll notice that.

Then they'll start picking up on the way he treats you as they get older/more understanding and think that's an acceptable way to treat women, or they'll resent you for staying and distance themselves/move out once they're old enough to get away from it. Then there's the issue of it getting worse. Emotional Abuse is Domestic Abuse. No ifs or buts. He is abusing you. The emotional affects are clear even to you so of course it's abuse.

You won't have a nice house etc if you leave him, sure. But is that all your life is worth?

*children

Sorry if that all sounds harsh. but if you read enough threads on here or no anyone in RL that's gone through this then you'll know it's pretty much the way these things go. There aren't many expections

*exceptions... I have a shit phone, sorry