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Relationships

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In a happy relationship but very attracted to someone else?

5 replies

adjani77 · 17/04/2014 22:35

I am 36 and have been with my partner since I was 18 years old. He is 38. We had some tough times in our 20's where we didn't get along (I suffered from depression and poor health) but we got though it and we now have what I think is a very strong relationship, I enjoy being with him, we have a great sex life and I find him very attractive.

Of course I've seen and met other guys I have found attractive before but this is different. One of my closest friends is a man who is married. We are both into the same kind of music so we often go to concerts together. While there we sometimes meet some other friends of his including this man who I am feeling very drawn to at the moment. I have known him for a long time actually but never really spoke to him properly until recently. He isn't the most immediately attractive he is my age, and about the same height as me, very slightly built, balding and wears glasses I'm not saying all that to be mean about his looks only to say he isn't the obvious hunky type. Anyway we were talking and our chemistry was amazing, I was swooning just talking to him, in that moment I wanted to know everything about him I was just so taken by him. I actually felt so strongly that I excused myself from the concert and went home early!

Since then I've not really been able to stop thinking about him and I feel awful about that. Its making me worry that there is a reason that I am having that response to another man like maybe I am somehow unhappy in my relationship. The only thing I can think is that this man was very thoughtful, articulate and open intellectually as well as sharing my interest in the arts. I have a masters in fine art and my husband has never really been that interested or supportive of my creative interests. This other man is a craftsman and hasn't been to university but he reads a lot, and clearly thinks deeply about music, art, his own experiance which I find very attractive. I just felt he was completely on my wave length mentally. I have no idea if he liked me too.

Anyway I won't see him again for a while and I am hoping it will all sort of blow over in my mind but what if I feel it again, is it normal that this happens from time to time? Am I just a bit bored with my happy stable relationship? If its just the thrill and stimulation of a new attraction then its something I should brush off but what if its something more? Sometimes I think about the future with my current partner, our fourties just around the corner and it makes me feel a bit old and restricted is that normal too?

Any advice would be great!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 17/04/2014 22:42

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You have been with your partner for a very long time and had few other relationships, so occasional twinges of curiosity, at least, are only natural.

Do you have any children? I ask because you mention that you are 36 ie you are coming to the end of your reproductive life and it's possible that on one level your body is wanting a child, or another child and this is why you feel a particular strong attraction to this man.

Also, monogamy isn't natural. Choosing to have an exclusive relationship with one person doesn't mean that you are basically dead to other possibilities. You can choose whether or not you act on attraction to another person, but feeling attraction isn't wicked or a sign that there's anything wrong with your existing relationship.

adjani77 · 17/04/2014 22:50

Thank you for that advice, its reassuring. I don't have children, I always thought I would but I have medical issues preventing me from having children and have made my peace with never being a mother at least mentally, perhaps my body has other ideas.

I agree that monogamy isn't natural but I always felt that we should be able to as you say choose to stay commited to someone and not to just run around acting on our desires however it was easy for me to say that when I never had those feelings before. Its really shaken me.

OP posts:
MrsHaitch · 25/04/2014 22:12

I was in this situation a few years ago, I was having feelings about an ex co-worker. He had left his job (with me) because he wanted to leave his wife for me and I said no. After he left my feelings for him (which I never acted on) grew. The only thing to do was cut all ties with him to avoid any temptation on both sides. .
I think that would be a wise decision for you, too. Hard as it may be.

lavenderhoney · 25/04/2014 23:19

Its perfectly normal to think " hmm, he's nice" you don't have to do anything about it!

To leave a concert because you felt so attracted is quite extreme, are you really happy? This man hadn't made a pass at you or anything.

Do you want to grow old with your dh or does that fill you with dread? You've been together a long time, do you have separate lives or lots of fun?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 25/04/2014 23:23

Sounds normal.

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