Is it my job to tell friend if / when she is being a dick?

[BuildersBilly]

Just had a disagreement with DH about friend. She is v high maintenance and fairly self-obsessed but I don't really see that there is much to be gained from telling her so. Do you agree? DH seems to think I owe it to her to point out when she says or does something particularly thoughtless or selfish as otherwise she won't change her behaviour.
I tend to think that unless someone asks me for my view I will keep quiet and change the subject rather than try and point out how unreasonable they are. Am I just a wimp ?

Yes you're probably being a wimp :) But I'll qualify that by saying that if this thoughtless, selfish (bullying? narcissistic?) behaviour is only directed at others rather than you then keeping quiet isn't necessarily a bad strategy. If she's being unreasonable towards you then it's not OK to keep quiet of course. That would just be pandering.

If it's in her nature to be like that then she won't change. She won't thank you for telling her either.

The friends I value most highly are those that tell it to me straight, including when I'm being a dick. There's a huge danger in surrounding oneself with appeasers and enablers. It's sadly what dsis has done. She doesn't see that the reason these people never question her behaviour is that they don't care. Tell your friend and see how she reacts.

I wouldn't think of it as Project 'get X to change her behaviour ' - it's more 'not letting it pass when she does things that directly affect you' eg unilaterally changing plans in her favour, assuming you'll do something that helps her while inconveniencing you, etc - a bit of saying 'no, that doesn't work for me'... May end the friendship rather than making the scales fall from her eyes, but maybe that's no bad thing?

charitycase - don't care, or don't dare?

I have a friend a bit like this. A couple of times I've been honest with her about a few small things she's got really upset and brought it up for days or weeks afterwards telling me how upset she is with what I've said and trying to justify herself!

I know she will always react like this, and it's harder work than just ignoring her annoying ways. Every times anyone else criticises her even slightly she takes massive offense and tells how outrageous they are and how awfully they've treated her. She doesn't wNt to hear the truth, and there's is not a lot to be gained from trying to tell her.

I have long since decided that I either accept the way she is, or don't be friends with her. I enjoy seeing her occasionally, but too much of her does my head in , so I limit the time I spend with her.

Thanks all. I think that because it's generally annoying childish type behaviour that doesn't particularly affect me there's nothing to be gained from pointing it out.
I am better at not pandering but don't have the stomach for full-on confrontation when realistically a person isn't going to change.

I think it depends.
I might tell a friend when they are being unreasonable if it is for their benefit and not in a judgemental way. They may take the advice or not.
But not just for the sake of saying it or expecting her to change.

If done in the right way then it is OK

Walk - good question and I think a bit of both, but predominantly don't care. To understand my dsis I have to say that she has a big heart and is a lovely, kind person, but she also has a drink problem. That leads to other problems ( such as calls from the cop shop at 1 am) and she is very defensive about this. Therefore she will always couch questions in such a way that shuts down debate, like ' x thinks I drink too much but I don't, do I?' I wish she had one friend who she really respected who would say ' actually, yes you do' but she's pushed those people away and surrounded herself with people who are under 25, like to party and who this is normal behaviour, but those are people with disposable friends.

Ooh, stickem that is good advice. I shall add to my list of useful adages.

Fwiw I would only mention the behaviour if she asks you directly, and then phrase it really carefully in the third person, eg "can you see how your behaviour x might be perceived by others?" You aren't criticising directly but putting forward and alternative suggestion.

I have called friends out before, but only as tactfully as possible and if I was really bothered, otherwise I would try to a avoid it.

Cautionary tale. I did call a friend out on poor behaviour, very politely, no shouting, swearing, parted amicably with plans for meeting in the future, or so I thought. Haven't seen or heard from her since, and that was over a year ago.

Just be prepared for possible consequences

Good advice Stickem. I mostly think it's so hard to phrase advice positively that the only likely consequences are bad ones.