Potential Divorce- a parents perspective needed

[Yorkdad]

Hi guys. I thought id post in this forum as i would really appreciate hearing other peoples views and experiences, especially mums. Myself and my wife have ben together for 10 years and married for 7. We have to wonderful children a DS who is 7 and a DD who is 3, they're our world and they are my rays of sunshine.
However on the marriage front not all is so well. Ill try and keep this short but its hard to explain. We don't really argue, i don't think either of us has the passion to do so anymore. We do bicker but thats not a regular occurrence and there certainly is no physical,emotional or verbal abuse from either side. I actually feel nothing.
I know the only reason i don't want that talk about our relationship is that it heads one way and that is divorce, if I'm honest i cant say i would want to try and salvage what isn't there anymore.However i also know that I'm only staying for the kids , its not us divorcing that stops that conversation taking place and if my wife was honest she would say the same.
I don't want to sound like a heartless ba$t4rd because I'm not. I have the utmost respect for my wife as a woman and as a mum,and she really is a fantastic mum. I just feel like were housemates.
I have may things that stop me divorcing. We live in a rented house so my wife and kids would not have certainty of a house , i don't want them to be moved around because we're not happy.I don't want their lifestyle to change but that would be inevitable. i wouldn't be living the life of Reilly but if i rented a two bedroom flat so i could have the kids regularly, and after child maintenance was paid (which would be paid religiously) i wouldn't have the income to keep them all in a comfortable lifestyle. And then there is the emotional affect on them.
I know that i will stay until they are adults if need be to ensure they are not disrupted or affected . They didn't ask to be brought in to this world let alone be affected because mum and dad aren't in love or happy.
As i said previously we dont argue but there is nothing else there. Sometimes i think if we argued at least something could be bought to a head!

Has anyone else ben in a similar situation, or still in the situation and how id it pan out , how did you deal with the situation. I feel like a bloody failure as a parent and at the same time sad that this could be it for the next 18 years. I know i come accross as an awful individual on this post but its very hard to describe in a few paragraphs the plethora of emotions that form part of a relationship whether its happy or the facade were living.

Have you tried couple's counselling or meditation? It really helped us open and keep a dialogue going. We separated but decided to try again. And we are in a far happier and loving place. We appreciate each other a whole lot more also.

My dh is from divorced parents and I believe his parents did the best they could. But it left a lot of emotional baggage and ultimately, my dh has a rather low opinion of his father. I think his parents were right to divorce but their handling of it was a mess. Seeing his mother on the brink of suicide and depression.

I would say before you give up on your marriage, do try every avenue including temporary separation before permanent divorce. You don't know until you try.

Thanks for the reply. I did mention couples Counselling In one of our rate arguments a few years ago where I was promptly told that if I thought we needed counselling then the issue was with me and she wasn't sitting down and talking to a stranger , that nipped that one in the bud. I do know though that we've gone past that point and where at the stage where we don't want to fix it but will continue with the monotony of keeping this farce going.

If you feel that you can't be bothered to put in the effort to make the relationship any better then the only option is divorce, because if you do nothing then eventually you will hate each other and start arguing which is worse for the children than two seperated parents.

However before giving up you should seriously consider counselling. If it doesn't work or she is against the idea well then you split. But there's a chance it may work and give you both a happy relationship again.
I don't think there's much point staying together for kids. They will model their future relationships on yours. I think it's better to have two happy parents than two miserable ones.

I agree with that. Better to get out now whilst you dont hate each other. It is good to hear that you respect your wife, and that would be a great feeling to hold on to forever, whether you stay together or split up. Staying in a loveless marriage until your children are adults would be a terrible thing to do to all of you. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Personally I'm not sure counselling can mend marriages when one party says they "feel nothing" but it certainly might help you separate in the least painful fashion possible for everyone and that would be very well worth pursuing.

Thanks for the responses . I didn't want to come across as I just feel nothing as though I woke up one morning and just thought "screw this for a game if soldiers" and I'm certainly not on here to list my wife's bad points, after all I'm no angel and she's probably got a longer list fore.lol. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment it started going south of only for my own knowledge . I hear what people are saying regarding counselling and if I'm honest I went to counselling g in my own for a while as I feel like an awful individual for feeling nothing!. As I've said before if this is it for the next couple of decades but my kids are not affected then so be it, it's not liked myself and my wife are at war. I Just really wanted to hear other peoples experiences to get a bit more perspective .

I have been with my partner for 18 years. In our 20's after the honeymoon phase we went though a few years which were very, very difficult. I was suffering from depression and gained a lot of weight my partner was so angry with me. He would just go in a huff and and not talk to me for days and if he did he was always mean. I used to just take it because I felt worthless anyway. Eventually things would come to a head and we would talk about spliting up but in the end, even if we didn't talk for a few weeks one or he other of us would crack and get back together and try to make it work. Often it didn't and we would be back to the awful moodiness. For many years I walked around on egg shells terrified I would do something to make him mad at me.
Looking back it is amazing we never broke up back then, we weren't even living together at the time.

About 5 years ago things got a lot better between us, we both evened out he became less critical and angry and I became happier and more laid back, I also made a real effort to give him more loving attention.

Things are really great between us now, it feels like we have been though so much together, been right to the extreme of hurting each other that nothing can break us.

I guess even at our worst we always loved each other and their was never a 3rd party things might have been different if he had met someone else.

If you still love each other at all, even a little bit I think the relationship can be saved but you both have to want it.