What next with marriage?

[MerryEaster]

Hoping for some good advice, have n/c for this.
I have been married for 11 years but I am now at the point where I do not know whether to stay or leave. We are both in our early 40s with 2 DCs
DH has not been interested in sex since our honeymoon where he rejected me on the wedding night and for 3 more days. We have had a poor sex life which has affected the intimacy in the whole marriage. When we have discussed this problem, there is blame on both sides however the fact remains that he is not really interested in me sexually. I do not think he uses porn or is gay. I have kept this sad fact a secret from my friends for the whole of my married life. He, in turn, accuses me of not being interested in him but the fact is that I have been very rejected and it is very difficult to recover from that. Trying to conceive DC2 actually felt humiliating for me.
He has also suffered a lot with his business which has cost us financially very dearly. He has nearly gone bankrupt a couple of times. I have bailed him out financially but he has not paid me back because he cannot afford to.
A couple of years ago he actually walked out on me for a short while following a row. I persuaded him to return as I believed that we were better as a family of 4 than as separate parents. I am now questioning this.
So why have I not left? On the whole he is supportive as a parent. His family are extremely close to me and very supportive. I suspect they fill in the gaps that they can see for themselves actually. Our house would not be easy to divide up as it has financial input from his family’s side.
I am not sure about whether I love him any more. He loves me and says that this, for him, is it. We are his family for life and he does not want to be a part time father or find another partner. He is sorry for how he has let me down but promises that in a few months, when the financial burden eases which he believes it will, he will come out of the woods and be a better husband.
So it’s the practicalities, really. And I am not very good at leaving relationships. I have not spoken IRL to anyone at this level of detail and I need sound advice or a hand hold.

DH has not been interested in sex since our honeymoon where he rejected me on the wedding night and for 3 more days.

Oh wow!

If you hadn't included that bit, I think I'd be writing a very different post about ways in which you could address this and try to fix things. That bit I've copied and pasted above changes everything and makes me feel you'd probably be best of just getting the hell out asap.

To reject you repeatedly on your honeymoon is unbelievably cruel, no matter what the reason.

Hello.

If he has been in financial difficulties for years and treated you like this, it's NOT going to change overnight when he does get some money through (if?) because quite frankly he's treated you like this since you met.

I feel as though I should be telling you to walk away but something is stopping me..... I'll have a think as to why.

He owes you money that he hasn't paid you back, I assume he intends to do this once this money appears?

Do you think that once this money does materialise, everything will be better? It sounds to me as though your 'relationship' has been hard work for you, from day one.

You're craving affection and to manage to have 2 DCs must be nothing short of a miracle the way your sex life pans out.

What is it that YOU want? Put him out of the equation, and your children and think about what would make YOU actually, deep down inside, skip along with glee instead of putting up with being used like this.

He's not in love with you and you are not in love with him, sure, you may love him, have feelings for him but he shows zero respect for you, there's no intimacy, no nights out, even just to a local pub if you'd saved up for a while.......

Reading your OP make me wonder why you are still there, I hope it's not for the sake of the children.

As yourself this, if it wasn't for the kids would you want to be with him, whatever your answer is, is what you should be doing.

I am finding this very upsetting but very helpful. I have bottled this up for years.

I think what I am looking for by posting this is for other people's reading of the situation.

Yes I am craving affection. I feel quite distraught at what has become of my relationship. He would argue that I am not affectionate towards him but I cannot tell you how hard it is to be rejected by your own husband at such an early stage in the marriage.
I think it has emotionally scarred me and now that the DCs are of an age where they are not needy babies, I am contemplating the future. He sees us as being the only two for each other and that marriage is for life.

So he means a sexless marriage, who wants that for life...?

Did he say why he rejected you on your honeymoon?

I feel quite distraught at what has become of my relationship

And who could blame you? The fact that 'this is it' for him - well, we are each entitled to a family life that meets our own values, needs, dreams. I feel that by separating it will tip the balance way back in your favour, setting you free from this emotional pain, and of living a lie.

Please please confide in someone IRL.

He rejected me on honeymoon because he felt under pressure to perform. (!!).
If it wasn't for the kids and the house no I would not be with him. I would be gone in a puff of smoke.
Which is the answer, really, isn't it.

There's a lot in your original post about what he wants... this is it, he doesn't want to be a part-time father, it's for life etc.... and that selfishness seems to be characteristic of the whole relationship. I'm very distressed by your description of the conception of DC2 as 'humiliating'. Was it a joint decision to have another child or was it something he wanted and you went along with?

'Love' is something you demonstrate by doing, not just something you say. In your shoes I would not feel loved. Tolerated, humoured and trapped by false promises.

Suggest, whatever you ultimately decide, that you get some good legal advice, find out information on what it would mean practically to separate, and choose someone close to confide in IRL. I think you need to know you have options.

OP I'm not trying to muddy the waters but I'm if he's gay because his behaviour sounds bizarre.

In any event, you shouldn't have to live like this. It's not just the lack of sex, it's the emotional turmoil and lack of self-esteem that comes with it.

You're only in your early 40s, this is no way to live.

insert 'wondering' between 'I'm' and 'if'.

I think you know what to do. It sounds terribly sad Have you ever had a good physical relationship with him At teh beginning for example?

It is sad. I don't think he is gay. Either way the problem is that he is not intimate with me and my self esteem is terrible. I will speak to someone IRL. Thank you ladies for your help.