Depressed about being a mum

[Manoo]

Hello. Just wondered if anyone out there has any wise words to cheer me up. Mind if I rant?...

I'm going through one of those hating being a mum phases. Ds is 10 months and lovely but my life just feels like it has no fun in it anymore. I feel like overnight I've turned from a lively, succesful, normal person, into a shabby, saggy, poor, boring and worried person. My partner and I are both freelance - he hasn't had any work for ages and I've just started back after 9 months off (although after this project, I don't know when my next work or money is coming from). We can't get benefits because of the nature of my partner's sporadic work (ie as soon as he signs on, if he gets two days he has to sign off again, so not worth all the paperwork). So after this little job I've got now (which will pay off a bit of our debt) we have NO income.

Yet, to get income I have to keep trying to get work - so I feel my life is just looking after the baby or trying to pitch for jobs. No money or time for treats or fun or even housework so the place is a tip which doesn't help. My partner keeps getting unpaid work that he does to keep a hand in, so between us we're working at weekends, taking turns with childcare but still have no money for anything.

I hate my flat - it's a mouldy scruffy mess, and last week we had an attempted break in so I'm now having anxiety attacks. I'd really like to leave London to have a better home (for less money) and feel safer, but my partner's work (if he ever gets any again) is in London. Also, at least my friends are here (I hardly ever see them but it's better than nothing).

I feel like none of the above would apply if I hadn't become a mum. I wouldn't have stopped work so wouldn't have got in debt. My career would be coming along nicely. I wouldn't be tied to my partner in quite the same way and could have gone off and lived somewhere else if I'd wanted to. I wouldn't have a child to care for so could go and do some temping work in between jobs to ward off the debt spectre. My clothes wouldn't be so shabby cause I'd still be working so could buy myself a pair of jeans at least. I'd have time to myself and time to drink wine with friends or go to the cinema. I love my partner but also feel that if I'd picked a rich man, motherhood might feel a little different. As it is, it's all work, all drudge, no fun and no pay.

Oh, and I've gone off sex. Just feeling too bloody saggy and sorry for myself and knackered to make an evening into a 'special' evening. Know I should be making more of an effort for my partner's sake too but just can't be bothered.

Anyone got a time travel machine? I want my old life back.

oh Manoo - HUGS!

No magic wands or time travel machines here, but why don't you make dp babysit and organise an evening out with your mates for starters? You need to have some time for yourself

Please don't feel so down, I know its hard and there has been times when I have wanted my old life back. But thinking about it, yes I would probably have had a bigger house by now, or be going on holiday twice a year etc etc, but I truly believe that my life would now be empty if it wasn't for my ds and dd - yes they drive me nuts, but I wouldn't be without them. Your ds is at a funny age at the moment, not many rewards for all the effort put in, soon he will be walking and much more fun to be with. Can you not move out of London ? do you have family you can go and have a break with ? Do you have any friends with children the same age. Contact your HV ad ask about toddler groups in the area to meet new mums, it is more common than you think to feel the way you do, its just that a lot of people don't own up to it.

I am sorry if I sounds as if I am telling you what to do, I am not honestly, but it really helped me to get out and socialise, it also was good for my two as well to have someone other than me to play with. Take Care.

Manoo I think everyone goes through this phase (more than once!) Does sound like you need to get out with some friends if all you are doing is looking for work and babycare.

Would it be possible for one of you to get permanent work so that there was some steady income?

Manoo

I don't know what line of work you or your DP are in, but is it possible for one of you to take something permanent so that you have at least got the security of one regular wage coming in.

It seems to me from your post that you are mostly fed up because of not having enough money and security and not because of having a baby in itself. If you had a regular income and money for little treats then having the baby perhaps wouldnt seem as bleak as it does at the moment.

Also do try and think of treats that don;t cost anything (or much).

A few thoughts -

Get a friend to do you hair for you (wash and dry it)
Perhaps a clothes swap with another friend
Walks in the park
Musuems
Country walks
Feeding the ducks
Friends round for the evening (bring your own bottle)
That 70s thing where you have a dinner party and people all bring one course each
Using old tins of paint for a face lift for your flat
Doing some 'DIY' art to brighten up the walls

Oh I'm running out of ideas - maybe we should start a thread for some ideas, if you think it would help.

Do you have any skills at all that might help you raise a bit of cash? Or any old junk you can sell on ebay?

Oh I really hope you find some way of cheering yourself up. Believe me our babies are not little for long and when they get older like mine are, you don't half wish for that time back again!!

Yes, I think it would reduce the stress if your dp could get permanent employment rather than freelancing. I was in a similar position when dd was a baby - xh had dribs and drabs of work coming in, but we were forced to sell our possessions in order to make ends meet. I felt so helpless at the time as there was little I could do with a baby to look after.

Manoo you poor thing. Re: "I want my life back", I felt like that for ages after my son was born. I couldn't get my head around it (the fact that my life had changed so drastically), it was the freedom & spontenaiety that I missed more than anything. Plus my relationship took a few steps backwards in my mind, probably in dh's mind too, because we'd become 'parents', and it changed things quite considerably. I even had the same thoughts as you about being 'tied' to my dh in a way that I wasn't before, because we had a child together.

I don't really know what to say to help you, but I found that life got a lot better when I got past the baby/toddler stage, because I became more 'free'. He wasn't so dependent on me and he could communicate with me so much more. I could leave him with a babysitter to go out, or in a child-minding centre while I went off to do shopping or something. He's nearly four and we can do things with him now that we couldn't do when he was a baby, he gets enjoyment out of so many things and that makes dh & I really happy. I think as a child gets older, you start to derive so much more pleasure from them, it's not like looking after a baby who can't communicate with you and depends on you for all their needs. I think the first couple of years can be pretty trying really. I hope things get better for you soon... this current stage of your life will pass more quickly than you think, but I understand how you feel right now.

Hi Manoo, I understand that feeling. I felt it too after my ds was born (he's 6.5 now) and I kept waiting to get my old life back. In fact I even remember saying this to a friend who already had children. She wisely said "you won't ever get your old life back, things are different now" and she was right IMO. What happens, I think, is that your life and priorities change and whilst you never quite get your old life quite back, you do get to a point where you accept your new life and start to enjoy it. I think it's a tremendous shock having a baby, partly because of the physical stuff but mainly because of the loss of freedom and possibilties as you once knew them and as you describe. I found that very hard too so I think I know a bit how you feel.

I think there are some positive things about your situation (I know they're maybe not obvious but bear with me!) For a start, can your partner, if he's not working, give you some time off from your ds and all normal responsibilties? If he had your ds for a day or a few hours couldn't you spend it wandering around an art gallery or a museum? If that's not your thing then maybe you could spend some time lazing in the bath and reading a book instead? Whatever, the point is to do something you enjoy and leave him to deal with your ds for a day/few hours/whatever you can arrange between you. I think it's really important for all of us to try to have some time to ourselves and I know I start to feel a bit lost without it.

I know it's rubbish being broke, really I do but there are some great threads on here with various money saving tips so maybe you could have a look at them to get some ideas. While you are in London can you try to make the most of it and spend days doing great free things? Or you could go to a mumsnet meet up if you want to meet some new people. Do you have friends with children? If not could you join a mother and tot group, just to meet some people?

I hated London too as a new mum who found it all very hard going and I really thought life would be much better if we sold up and left. Well, I did leave but actually, a long way down the line I realise it wasn't London that was the problem, it was that I was having a hard time adjusting to motherhood and I would have had that wherever I was. If you really do hate it (and maybe it IS London that's getting to you!) then could you consider downsizing, selling and moving somewhere cheaper? What would your partner think about that?

I think your partner's got to stop doing unpaid work tbh. You can't afford for him to. Yes, it's lovely if he can keep his hand in but actually, you need him either a) working and earning or b) looking after ds so you get a bit of time to work and look for more work. Well maybe, you might not agree but I don't know what work it is so hard to say.

Not surprising you don't feel like sex either. I wouldn't in your situation either I don't think.

Got to go, baby needs me, but may come back later. Much sympathy though, your post struck a chord.

Hi Manoo
I haven't got much more to add to what others have already said, but I thought it might help if I told you that I felt exactly the same way when dd was 10 months. It was about that time I went back to work, which helped a bit, but I also had (still have sometimes) the same feelings of that I was always working or childcaring. However, dd is now coming up to 17 months and is much more fun now she can walk and now that she is starting to communicate, and certainly understands quite a lot. Although the childcaring remains hard work, it is more rewarding now.
My dh is freelance too and his work is seasonal and we're still v. poor, but I can now see that dd isn't going to be this hard work forever, which is something that at the time dd was 10 months, I found difficult. I can't wait for the good weather so we can get in the paddling pool outside!
The only way I got through it was by just taking it one day at a time, and by filling our days with things to do - just walking around the shops would take up and hour or two and you don't have to buy anything. Or swimming is cheap - your local leisure centre might also run a gymtots type class. We had a drop in one which was only £2 a week and dd absolutely loved it (and it was a cheap way to while away an afternoon!).
hth a little

manoo, I think what you're feeling is actually very common. Not that that makes it any easier. I'm in a similar boat to you in some ways: shitty flat in London that really looks as though it's turning daily into a squat! Dp works from home but works an awful lot and I hardly see him. I work out of home 2 days a week and he has dd so that's his 'weekend' so for me I do 5 days childcare and 2 days at work and never have a day of just pottering or being unstressed in some way. Dd is 17 months now and although as some others have said things get easier, it's also harder to be stuck in a flat with her at this age. She needs stuff to do and sometimes I just feel as though I run dry of ideas. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like a drudge. I haven't had any new clothes since dd was born and almost can't bear to look in the mirror anymore! I too LONG to be out of London but then I also wonder if, as someone else here said that isn't pushing the problem onto something else because at least in London there's ALWAYS somewhere to go and in a smaller place I might need to use imagination I don't seem to have! What I dream of sometimes is just getting in and thinking I have 2 hours or so to read a novel. But there just isn't time to do nice stuff like that in the day now. The very best way to be is like LaLaa says, take it one day at a time. Don't think about what you don't have and try to immerse yourself in what you do have. Yesterday I was feeling v. exhausted and down and it was the 3rd evening in a row dp was out. But then I started playing this mad climbing game with dd and we were both in hysterics and suddenly an hour had gone past and I felt so much better! Ultimately this IS our life now and we HAVE to change and make it work.

manoo - what do you both do?
me and my DP are both freelance too and I had a similar situation recently where I finished a contract and he had now work coming in and I literally didn't know how we were going to pay the mortgage. BUT something turned up and it normally does but I really understand the horrible feeling of insecurity you can get from two freelance incomes.

some good advice her from other posters. But just to say that it will get easier and it will feel less wearing. I felt ALOT like this and it's awful when you have no money to even buy yourself something nice to cheer yourself up.

is there anyone who could give you both a night off and look after your DS for you?

Manoo
Poor you -so sorry you're feeling like this.Agree with most who have posted here that this is a phase and things will get better. Just wanted to add something about London.

We moved out of London when ds was 14 months - we put our (small, grotty ) flat on the market when he was 10 months almost to the day! I felt that London was not right for my 'new' life and accepting this really helped me to move on. I felt that I was experiencing all that was bad about London (crowds, mess, transport) without being able to do all the great stuff that, for me, had always balanced the bad - going out, wandering round galleries (yes, I know you can take kids and we did but it's not the same....) shopping etc etc etc... For me, just being in a smaller place, in a more child-friendly environment (and a house rather than a flat...) helped to make the transition to my new life as a parent more easy.

BTW I love London. It just wasn't for me with small children.

Thanks so much for all these thoughts. I can't tell you how lovely it is that so many people have taken the time to think and write. All the empathy and suggestions have made me feel at least I'm not alone and perhaps there are things I can do to make life a little cheerier. It's also really useful to have people who don't know you (and don't have their own agenda) to give impartial advice.

I'm supposed to be working at the moment so won't write a long one now, even though I really want to go properly through all the postings to give you my response to them. (I'm a writer and dp's an actor by the way - those jobs that people think are glamororous but really aren't!)

Will check in later and will be having a good look at all the postings tonight and mulling over all those thoughts and suggestions. Thanks again.

Hi Manoo; do you know, I thought today 'I want my old life back' - I'm freelance too, masses of our money is going into childcare (not enough for either of us to give up paid work even if we wanted to, but a significant proportion of our outgoings!), I'm facing the fact that I have to earn a really rather large amount of money, each month, just to poke my head above water...and much as I love my two daughters 9the younger one of whom is just a month younger than your son), there are times when I do hanker spectacularly for the alternate universe which to be honest a lot of me still feels I inhabit (kids were something I'd always wanted but pretty well given up on when dd1 unexpectedly arrived!). And I want the fairly nice body I had when I hadn't got a pelvis still embargoes from swimming (I have lingering SPD) and tits...oh, I won't even go there, you can imagine, quite frankly. And a waist. I used to have a WAIST.

I can see that your partner does need to do a bit of unpaid work in his field (didn't think so before but I know it's tough with acting) but I think he needs to cut back dramatically. Most of what I can do, though, is sympathise. Whereabouts in London are you? MIxxx

Manoo and motherinferior, I totally empathise with what both of you are saying. Dp and I are also in fields it's difficult to earn a regular income from. I'm an artist and he does philosophy. So he constantly scrapes around for teaching and I have a film research job which was supposed to fund me to have time to make art but which barely helps to pay the bills!

jimmychoos, I could have written your post except that we haven't 'escaped' the London we've loved for years yet. It just doesn't work for us any more. We're desperate to get out and to have some peace, some air, a house. But work is so difficult to come by. Sometimes I think if we're stuck here in this situation much longer we'll lose it completely, it really is a case of taking a day at a time and staying optimistic that things will eventually change.

M Inferior - I'm in Stokey, where are you? From what you and Evita said, it sounds like the freelance lifestyle is hard to fit kids into - at least I know now it's not just me being crap! Evita - sounds like you've got the hating London bit bad - jimmychoos posting struck a chord with me too (and made me wonder why I'm not working on dp right now to persuade him to move). It's a shame that London can be so much fun, yet it's just pushing out people on low/freelance incomes and people with young families. If you could leave London (and I appreciate it will be hard to find work elsewhere) where would you go?

MI - know what you mean about the tits - as soon as I have that lottery win I'll be getting a boob job! (Actually, I'd be happy with a better bra - saw a gross prog on celebrity plastic surgery last night).

Am feeling better today than in the week, although still hankering after my old life. Hopefully this phase will end at some point though. And dp has two good auditions next week so you never know, we might be in for a bit of luck soon.

I've "got my life back" for the weekend; our shameful intrepretation of Mothering Sunday is DH gets the kids out of my hair as much as possible, which means they all hiked off to Granny's until Monday perhaps, and I am alone. Free to eat a bowl full of chocolate brazil nuts and read the Guardian in peace...

And guess what? I really miss the little sods!! I can't win....

Totally sympathise with all of you! Yesterday I was thinking "Whose bloody idea was this anyway?" ....
Manoo ... like others who have posted I didn't feel at one with motherhood until DS was walking and communicating ... and then it wasn't that I got my life back but I began to accept my new life and couldn't imagine life without DS in it ...
I am now back at square one as I have a 6 week old baby and am saggy and baggy again and my son has been abducted by aliens and been replaced by a $hitty, stroppy monster from hell ...
BUT deep down I know that eventually life will take on a semblance of normality and rather than wanting the old life back I will accept (and even like) the new life ...
Hang in there honey ........ you are NOT alone

Manoo, I'm in SE London.

What I do have, because we bring in enough to fund it, is paid childcare. I work from 8am to 4.30pm, four days a week. Outside that, I don't work. Am I correct in assuming that's not an option for you? You'd have to find about £25-£30 per day for a childminder. Think about it. Keeps the whole thing afloat. I couldn't work without childcare, no way no way no wayyy!

totally nornal to feel like this - Ghosty sums up exactly how I am feeling at the moment - maybe the alient ship kidnapped both our kids..

Manoo - just caught up with this thread and wanted to add my sympathies to all the brilliant advice here already. I'm also a freelance writer(although thank god dh is in permanent employment) and have found it hard keeping children/flat/family/sense of self etc afloat. I have childcare 2 days a week but have just got my first piece of work in for a year (dd is 10 months). Like you, my career was going quite well before ds came along and now it is stalled, but I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and feeling like I can get it going again. Even if I have another child, I feel it will never be as bad as the brain drain and panic of having the first. Hang on in there, and definitely check out some free fun stuff. Plus, I went and bought some new makeup (not expensive) this week and had a play with it, put my contact lenses in for a night out and felt a million times better than I had for ages.

One other thing I would suggest since your dp is an actor (sympathise with this too - I know a few and it can be very hard) is that rather than doing unpaid stuff, unless it something like a short film that he can use as a calling card, he spends that time trying to get meetings with casting people he hasn't met yet to see if there's anything new coming up. Does he have a fall back thing? A great friend of mine who is an actor, does painting and decorating and also a bit of teaching to supplement an eratic income - either of these work for your dp?

Hi again manoo. I'm in SE London. Gosh, don't know where I'd go. Pretty much anywhere right now so long as we had a bit of space to live in. I do worry that I'd regret it as I've been a London addict for so many years and all my art career has been here. But we could never afford to buy somewhere here and the schools are a bit scary. Basically we'd go where dp found decent work. Dublin looks like it may be an option. And the States would be fabulous. Then again sometimes even Hull seems appealing ...

MANOO, big, big hugs. You will feel better. I do know exactly what you mean. Can't add any advice to what's already been added here, but I do remember that period well....

ROFL Zebra!!! Fantastic!

How's it going, Manoo and others? I've had a real 'what happened to my life' attack today - hmm, could this be connected to the fact I spend Friday with the girls? In many ways it was a lovely day - two lovely friends (Mumsnetters, yet) came round for lunch, the sun is shining, we've made a chocolate biscuit cake for tomorrow...but I'm knackered (dd2 is sleeping incredibly badly for some reason), I feel frumpy and baggy and about 10 lightyears away from the person I used to be. Working at home doesn't help, does it - in many ways I do my dream job, especially with kids, but it also means I've got no particular reason to look presentable.

And I know the person I used to be was frequently very unhappy, and had lots of flings with unsuitable men and wanted a nice bloke and a writing career and a baby!

Perhaps I should just go shopping, and b*gger the expense, but more seriously I was wondering how everyone else was doing, and ways to tackle all this!