Why is it hard to leave abusive relationships?

[superstarheartbreaker]

I will never understand why I didn't leave my thoroughly abusive ex. Thoughts please.

Lots of reasons are possible.

You may have been convinced he could change.
You might hold to the good times and ignore the bad.
The fear of what would happen if you left.

People here talk about the thousand cuts, where each individual action doesn't seem that bad, and you only realise if you look at the overall picture.
And of the frog in hot water, where the heat gets up slowly, so slowly that you don't react to it until it's boiling and it's too late.

Hopefully, you will have learnt for next time.

I will I could leave but every time I do I fall apart, and I mean really fall apart. The rest of the time I hold down a responsible job and bring up my children.... but when I fall apart these two things suffer and it scares the shite out of me. Plus, it sends me into a deep dark depression. I am on meds as never got over PND and normally all is fine and 'normal' but him dumping me, walking out on me or whatever just throws me off completely.

Thankfully we don't live together so I have some respite. ITs mainly emotional abuse.

I need to be brainwashed or something

It is always hard to make a major life change. Add to that being constantly ground down by an abusive partner stripping you of confidence, and self belief, then it is not that surprising that people find it hard.

I've, thankfully, not experienced this personally but I've watched my sister go through this. Twice. And from what I can see, it was because part of the abuse was her partners convincing her it was normal. This is how all relationships are. If you leave me you'll always be alone. No one else will want you, that sort of thing. She was unhappy but believed she would be more unhappy alone. She's not though...

I was young, had no dependent, the flat was in my name and i was the one with a job - yet I stayed because I felt guilt, shame and had kept the abuse to myself.

I didn't want to see him with nowhere to live, no job, no income etc. failing to realise that he lost jobs because he was lazy and aggressive. I felt really bad about making his life miserable...

I also knew that simply moving out wouldn't mean he was out of my life.

As it happened I eventually moved out and he continued to harass me in my new place. I stupidly thought we could stay friends. I actually felt sorry for him...

It took years (even though we were living apart) for me to break free and it took leaving to live on the other side of the world.

I will be interested to hear answers on this one. I planned to leave, just move out lock stock and barrel and disappear out of his life a few months ago but I realised I'd be at a real disadvantage, and I get very angry thinking about how easy it makes it for him if I do that. I like my life as it is except for the major problem of being married to an abusive, negative whining man. As long as he's not around it is fine. But. It can't go on like this and his abuse is escalating in small ways- nothing specifically dangerous enough to jolt me into action.

superstar I'm assuming you got rid of him eventually?

what I too feel sorry for my abusive H- in fact, the only strong emotion I ever feel for him is great waves of pity every so often.

So many reasons...

Because they are often so charming to the outside world. They make you feel really good about yourself in the early days and maybe you havent had that in your life before. Then when the bad times start, you think its a one off, that they will never do it again. They plead for your forgiveness, make you feel needed and loved (nothing could be further from the truth of course).

When they do it again, you start that dreadful downward spiral of believing that you caused it to happen in some way. Because thats what they tell you. Your confidence and self belief start to fail; everything you do isnt 'quite right'. Soon everything you do is 'wrong'. You are embarrassed to tell anyone else by this stage, how can this be happening to me, what am I doing so wrong to make it happen? And so it goes on. And on.

There doesnt seem to be an escape route, there's no financial freedom and anyway you 'couldnt manage' without them.

And then one day, something finally makes you go. And then you can start to live

Fear is a big factor. Fear of displeasing the abuser, fear of reprisals, fear of being alone, fear of the reaction of family/friends, fear of starting again... even fear of depriving DCs of a 'great Dad'

Chronic abuse saps confidence and crushes spirits which, as PPs have said, makes it 10x more difficult to reject the behaviour. Abusive people aren't abusive all the time either. They're often charming & loving in between and some victims stick around thinking they can unlock the nice side of the abuser if they try harder. Strong women can particularly fall prey to this one IME because they tend to keep trying long after others would walk away.

Its hard to leave any relationship, so if someone has worn away at your self worth, and fucked up your head with their crap, its got to be so much more difficult (but by no means impossible) to leave. The support and kindness of MNetters helped me break away from my former relationship.

thatsnotmynamereally and newsandreviews - why not start your own thread and get some MN support to leave your own abusive relationships? People on here will help you, believe me. What seems impossible becomes possible with all that support.

I've received excellent advice on MN. Just haven't quite acted on it yet But so thankful for all the sharing and support on here.

Because you could be trading "manageable" emotional abuse for being a single parent, lose your home, lose your financial security, lose the ability to be a sahm, then maybe you can't afford sport/school fees for your kids.

What's worse for your kids? Living with a jerk and opportunities or living in poverty and visitation with a jerk?

Aussie...visitation is only once every two weeks. You can deny access even to an abuser. Also there is maintenance. I receive no maintenance but I do not live in complete poverty as I have a job and tax credits. My dd gets to do swimming flubs etc.
Having a pt job brings independence from said jerks btw !

Also I am scared by the fact that women are more vulnerable when their partners know they are planning to leave. And I don't want it to be my actions (in leaving him) that tips him over the edge from abusive dickhead to violent crazy man.

Cog is right as uual - the word is "fear" pure and simple. Except it's not pure at all and it's certainly not simple ...

Like anything else, fear tends to be a learned response; it's hard to unlearn t, even though it has to be done

" don't want it to be my actions (in leaving him) that tips him over the edge "

There are ways to leave someone safely and organisations like Womens Aid are a very good source of advice and also refuge where appropriate. With a little planning the danger can be minimised.

For me it was fear of the unknown along with complete lack of confidence in myself and my ability to cope alone, as well as his almost total control over the finances meaning I'd literally be leaving with nothing.

Now I just cannot wait to get it over with and I am really frustrated that everything is moving so slowly. I want my house yesterday ffs

We still don't have much to leave with and the longer it is taking the less reasonable he is being about what I can and cannot take, but tbh, at this point sleeping in an empty house on the floor, would be preferable to staying here.

And for anyone who is thinking about leaving but can't afford to, there is support available. We've been getting help from CAB, a local housing project and I am off to see the credit union this morning about an affordable loan for furniture. It can be done, making the definitive decision to leave is scary as hell, but once you've done that it gets a whole lot less scary.

thatsnotreallymyname, you do not have to tell him your plans until you've already left. Go and see your local CAB, there will be organisations local to you that can help. I found that after talking to them my choice to leave became a firm plan that I was determined to see through, rather than me just knowing I needed to leave but being uncertain on how I could leave iyswim?

Oh the change in status was also a worry, atm we can afford annual holidays abroad, nice things, expensive birthday presents etc. I wasn't sure I wanted to leave all of that behind just because of a few nasty names and childish tantrums, however, I now know I won't be as badly off money wise I suspected I would be. Holidays abroad might be out of our reach for a while, but a weekend in a caravan at Flamingo Land or the like will be do-able.

Plus it is those nasty names that have convinced me I'll always be in a low income job, there is now nothing stopping me from retraining or even just applying for better jobs with prospects. I have qualifications already.

Want to answer this but on my phone antm. Back later!

I don't know for you personally but for a lot of people the abusive partner makes them so down trodden/wrecks their self esteem so much that the person suffering the abuse thinks that they can't do any better and deserve it.

No DC, didn't live together and still it took him to leave me (though I resisted his attempts to reel me back in). But for me:

• by the end, two years of EA had eroded my confidence, the smidgen of self esteem I'd had at the beginning and made me depressed. I couldn't decide what to do for dinner...how could I negotiate a world without him?
• because I was literally addicted to him and our relationship had altered my brain chemistry. I firmly believe this - the lows following the abuse were utterly terrible but the highs when we made up or when I was 'winning' an argument were unbelievable (and I always hated conflict).
• because he threatened to leave me and cheated which made me scared of losing him
• because I'd totally bought into 'our story'. We were soulmates, we were special, we had a connection blah blah.
• because I was conditioned to it (thanks dysfunctional family!)
• I wanted him and I wanted him to love me

I'm so glad he fucked off. I'm sad he abused me as he did, sad I got my heart broken. But a life where no one tells me I'm ugly or takes money from me or follows me...it's wonderful.

because I was conditioned to it (thanks dysfunctional family!) I can relate to that.

My Dad cannot understand why all three of his daughters ended up in abusive relationships My mum would tell me to suck it up, at least twunt provided for us and he wasn't as bad as my dad, I should think of the children

It's only be recently that he has shown his true colours to my family. My mum has been begging me to leave for weeks now and my dad keeps talking about him having an "accident"

Oddly, my youngest sister still worships him and is fully of the belief that I must have said or done something to him to cause his latest twuntish behaviour. I say oddly because in his world, the one that exists only his head, she is the reason dd1 hates him. She is the cause of many of our problems

A sense of failure also stops women from leaving, that their family won't approve of separation/divorce.

'because I was conditioned to it (thanks dysfunctional family!) I can relate to that.'

Same here! I was beautifully conditioned by my abusive parents to always think about other people's needs first, to be a good girl, to be compliant, and I was brought up to see men as these huge scary dominant characters who were to be feared and yet worshipped. I had no chance And like you colincaterpillar, I had no children with him, didn't live with him, no financial ties to him and it still took me 15 months to have had enough, despite him physically attacking me three times. The final straw was when he swore blind that he had seen me snogging my gay male friend - absolutely swore on his life that he had seen it No such thing ever happened. It was just the latest insane episode in his deeply deranged jealousy and something clicked and that was it - wild horses couldnt' have dragged me back to him.

Still in therapy to try to deal with my issues with my parents Hard work but the best thing I have ever done

Sorry to hear you're still not out thats.

I was also conditioned as a child thanks to my emotionally and physically abusive parents. Many of the points already here are reasons I'm struggling to get out:

• no support network here, no family, few friends (and most of them are his), nobody who could help
• lack of money, renting on a single income even with benefits and a FT wage means the only place I could afford is a hole in the worst part of town. With him I have a nice little house for me and DD
• the fear of what he'll do
• the shame of everyone knowing
• DD adores him
• because nobody will believe he is an abuser if I tell them, he's so good at hiding it
• because I honestly don't believe I deserve better (and thats the sad truth, I've been conditioned since birth to think I don't matter. I recognise it but I can't get my head round the idea that sometimes I need to put myself first).

And lastly, possibly the biggest one of all for me - I know he will get unrestricted access and without me present to protect her, he will feed DD lies about everything, condition her and ruin her beautiful little mind. At least when I'm around that doesn't happen as much. The thought of leaving her alone with him for a considerable period makes me want to be sick.