Questioning my sexuality.

[FeelingRatherConfused]

I'm not long out of a long term relationship with a man, just a few months (his choice, not mine.) I've been doing a lot of thinking, as you do in that situation. And I'm pretty sure that I'm not straight, nor, in retrospect, have I ever been.

I'm so confused right now. This is not some kneejerk 'all men are bastards' kind of thing, because I know they're not. I thought that's all it was at first, but now I don't think so.

I know I don't need to act on it, I wouldn't want a relationship now anyway. And I have a young bf baby, so there's no opportunities for meeting people anyway. But I feel as if I have changed in such a fundamental way, and I am now having to get my head around it.

I feel like the only person this has ever happened to, although I know that can't be true. And my brain screams, "What do I do now?" but I don't know the answer.

I don't know what I want from this post really. I am just feeling scared and alone and overwhelmed by so many changes.

Have NC btw, but have been an MNer for years.

Bumping, sorry, because I'm feeling a bit crappy tonight.

Hi confused,

Don't have much in the way of advice but here with and .

Don't feel you have to do anything, it sounds like you have enough on your plate at the moment. Just explore these feelings if and when you feel ready.

Hi - no great words of wisdom but maybe you're bi? I wouldn't ponder too much about it - after all when you go out and meet new people you don't automatically view all men as potential partners, do you? Take it easy be gentle on yourself and just wait and see whether you start having feelings for someone new - whether male or female

Thank you for your messages :) Everything just feels very strange at the moment. It feels like it has come out of the blue, but actually I don't think it really has. And a lot of things seem to make sense now.

I wondered about being bi, and I did some reading about it. But I just didn't really feel like I identified with any of what I was reading.

As I said, I don't want to meet anybody now, and I don't have much opportunity as I always have at least one child in tow. It makes me feel like I am in limbo a bit though, as I have these feelings but I am unsure if they are really real, iyswim?

Thank you again :)

Focus on general healing and building up your strength and confidence, perhaps. Probably now that your ideas about your sexuality have surfaced, they will clarify themselves over time.

In what way are you struggling to identify with bisexuality? Do you mean you're not sure you were ever attracted to men, or you're not sure you're "truly" bisexual?

I am bisexual. I didn't really acknowledge that until I ended a LTR with a man last year. I sort of knew throughout but obviously didn't really explore it so wasn't sure or didn't give it much thought. Just like I didn't give much thought to other men. I have now explored it (emotionally and in fantasy, etc) and cemented my identity as bisexual. I'm only 23 but I already feel a bit "behind". No one "knows" because no one has ever asked. That does make things a bit weird. Give yourself time and see what conclusions you come to. There's no rush, especially given your position. There's no right or wrong and it can be weird trying to second guess your feelings but my advice would be "if you have them, they're real".

Don't worry firstly, sexuality is fluid and changeable. Just accept that at the minute you're not feeling straight, you don't have to call it something else, such as bisexual, it's not necessary.
I don't really identify with any standard definitions of sexuality, and that's ok, I'll happily get down with whoever, regardless of gender or sexuality, as long as I like the person.
These feelings can be unwanted and unnerving, but it's natural, just give yourself time and head space, don't rush to identify as something particular, you are you, made up of much more than who you do or do not fancy x

Thank you :)

General healing is definitely my focus, as well as supporting the dc's healing. And that is quite a full time job atm!

I don't feel as if I have ever been attracted to men, I feel as though I have been kidding myself, almost. I got into this relationship when I was quite young, and hadn't had any other relationships really beforehand. I don't quite understand how this could be the case, but I feel as if I have been doing what I am 'supposed' to be doing, rather than what I really wanted.

I have spoken to a couple of friends about it, but otherwise I'm planning to just sit on it for a while. I wouldn't have a clue how to meet people anyway, and my body confidence is at an all time low so if feels quite safe to not have to act on it.

Xpost WestEast. Agree with all you have said, thanks :) rather than unwanted, I actually feel a bit better now I have worked out a bit of what I am feeling. I feel as if this me is a lot more familiar than the one I have been.

I have been obsessing a little over where I fit in and how to identify myself. I think now I'll just give it some more time

I don't quite understand how this could be the case, but I feel as if I have been doing what I am 'supposed' to be doing, rather than what I really wanted.

I'm sure many people will identify with this. It's easy to go with the flow and follow your programming when you're young. But now you have the opportunity to find out who you are and what you want. It's great that you've recognised this and are able to take a relaxed view of it and give yourself some time.

Time sounds perfect, don't just yourself, just be.

*judge

You will not be the only person going through this. There used to be a Turning Tavern thread on here with women questioning their sexuality.

Also there is a Web forum moderated by am American therapist who left her marriage for a woman in the 70's. Google 'Ask Joanne' may be of use. I am in a similar position to so feel free to pm me.

Be kind to yourself :)

Sexuality is bound up in your own identification of who you are & it can be unnerving if you think you no longer know who you are or where you fit in.

Thankfully we now live in a more accepting world but if you're my age (mid to late 30's) then we are still carrying baggage from our youth (lezzies as an insult, being gay is something to be ashamed of etc) and sometimes uncomfortable attitudes from our parents that can influence the way we feel about our sexuality. You may feel guilty but are not sure why, as you know full well being gay or bi is not something to be guilty about. Our childhoods can emerge in odd ways & it can take time to deal with that.

Give it some time, when you feel ready explore it then do so. Until then, give yourself permission to think about where you fit in & what you want to do. Do so gently & take as much time as you need :)

Hi,

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Thought I'd mention my story in case it helps. I got married to a man who I'd been with since I was 18. We were together 16 years in total. Had a child. In the last year of our relationship I realised I wasn't totally straight...then thought I was probably bisexual...then I realised that I was a lesbian but I would stay with him because the thought of leaving was terrible. In the end I left. I'm now happily living with my gf (who I met on mums net!).
I think I was always gay I just didn't understand it. I remember thinking about it lots as a teenager but it didn't quite fit as I couldn't believe that that could possibly be me.
I'm so much happier now I know who I am, but I would agree with others and say don't rush to put a label on yourself. Just be with who you want to be with. Good luck.

Hhi confused. Sorry you're having a hard time of things at the moment and that you're struggling with this. I think you'll be fine in time.

I think probably the best way to tackle this while you're in the healing stage is just to learn more about sexuality and the ways in which people identify with, and express, their sexual orientation. There are still a lot of myths about sexuality floating around out there, and ironically, in a bid to be open-minded and non-prejudicial, people have accidentally entrenched some of those myths further rather than destroy them.

Once you realise that being straight/gay/bi says far less about you than your intrinsic personality, you will realise that nothing needs to change about you or your lifestyle unless you want it to.

By the time you're ready to embark on another relationship, you will hopefully have laid the groundwork for a happy and fulfilling life anyway. Then looking for a partner will be something that is enhancing to your existing life rather than scary because it involves a whole new way of life.

Good luck with it all.

Thank you all for your fab messages :) It has really helped. I remember seeing the Turning Tavern thread, although I didn't know it applied to me at the time! I may take you up on the offer of a PM, BigRedStapler, once I've done a bit more thinking.

It is a bit overwhelming to have to rethink a massive part of my identity, although it is true that it is only part of me. And I do have a lot of other things to sort out so I can build a new life. My aim is to feel fulfilled and satisfied with my life on my own, and with my DC, before embarking on any potential relationships.

I feel so much better having talked it out a bit. I do regret no having explored this when I was younger, but there's nothing I can do about that now. And I am only in my late 20s, so I do have plenty of time.