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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anybody moved to escape toxic family?

22 replies

FrankCarsonsDressingRoom · 16/04/2014 20:38

And did it ease the stress?

I want to move. I can't and,e my kids seeing me be treated hot,n,cold my my family or realising that sometimes it's all intense tge various much loved rellies just disappear from their lives.

I'm tired.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrankCarsonsDressingRoom · 16/04/2014 20:39

I can't handle seeing my kids picked up and dropped, or watching it happen to me. Sorry re typos!

OP posts:
CookieLady · 16/04/2014 20:51

I've spent months distancing myself from them. I make up excuses as to why I can't visit them and vice versa.

If you can't afford to move then distance yourself by not being available for them. This then reduces the chances of them blowing hot and cold with you or your dc. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug as I know only too well how upsetting and draining it is to have such wankers in your life

CookieLady · 16/04/2014 20:53

Sorry, didn't answer your question as to whether it eased the stress. Yes! Smile I won't lie to you it was hard at first as they weren't used to me not being available to listen to their shit but it does get easier with time.

cloggal · 16/04/2014 20:55

Yes. definitely made home feel like a sanctuary and a calm place again. It happened after stopping contact though, wouldn't advise doing it if you were even in limited touch.

BosieDufflecoat · 16/04/2014 21:05

I moved 200 miles from home to go to university, then I stayed living in the university town for several years afterwards, deconstructing the 'me' that my toxic mother had created and building a whole new 'me' from scratch. It was a lovely version of me that didn't feel guilty or shitty, one that was never criticised for being quiet or wearing this or reading that or saying this or not saying that. I rebuilt myself completely from ground level and they were the most important years of my life. I was NC for some of them, limited contact for others.

It really helped me. Geographical distance is just that - distance. It gives you a break and helps you recognise all the rubbish that's been doing your head in for what it is: rubbish.

Sorry your lot are toxic. It's just miserable.

hotcrossbabblehag · 16/04/2014 21:09

Well I wouldn't say I moved away to get away from them, I moved because I wanted better for my kids, the upshot of that is I also get away from my self destructive brother who has used me since the day he moved near us! if not for a place to live, money, postal address and before I moved bail address. My other brother went AWOL and I thought he was dead for a little while, police just hadn't found his body yet, then I heard he wasn't dead but was taking heroin, so then I was expecting the police to tell me they found his body (as far as I was aware I was next of kin at the time). he also left me to deal with £800 of a payday loan that I stupidly said I would guarantor him for!

I am glad I am away from it now, although I greatly miss the kids they both left behind, but both their mums have got together and are good friends, I'm friendly with one of the mums but the other hates me, probably due to my brother and his lies. But what can I do?.

HillyHolbrook · 16/04/2014 21:35

We are in the process of moving to London from Yorkshire to escape DPs toxic parents.

The stress has eased already for us because we know it's all over. They're too stuck up and lazy to come down and try see us, and we won't care if they're slagging us off if we are miles and miles away as we won't knowGrin They think that we are the ones missing out by getting away from them.

I couldn't possibly have my future DC around them, and if we are far away they can't demand to have them overnight or turn up on our doorstep just to attack me for being such a shit mother and doing everything wrong. Bit rich coming from people who have had both their children leave them behind to escape how toxic and vicious they are. DPs own grandmother said it's probably best we don't even invite them to our wedding because they'll spoil it for everyone else, and that's about her own son and DIL.

If you do move away, I hope you're much happier and that your DCs have a better, easier lifeThanks

Original poster
FrankCarsonsDressingRoom · 16/04/2014 21:50

We are considering moving to a different continent....we would have wanted to move abroad again anyway, but the way they've behaved in the past year (inc phoning my inlaws to slag me off which has hurt the most) has made me realise that if I stay here, my kids will think its the normal model for a family life. Neither of them had happy upbringings and I'm nit passing all that onto my children.

But there's little hope of resolution if you move so far away ...

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Original poster
FrankCarsonsDressingRoom · 16/04/2014 21:53

Sorry for your hard times, everybody, it's good to know I'm not going crazy....even my best friend was raising her eyes at the "common denominator" to all the strife....ie ME until she got given the toxic treatment too....

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cloggal · 16/04/2014 22:11

Isolating someone through scapegoating and blame is a really powerful tool frank.

It's a bit of a relief when the mask drops in front of others isn't it?

HypodeemicNerdle · 17/04/2014 00:26

We did.

I was at the point that I wanted to leave DH despite loving him desperately, I was just so sick of the in-law shit.

We moved together half way around the world. It didn't go down too well with his family but the relief was amazing. DH and the DC still speak to his family which I am fine with. There is talk of my MIL coming for a visit next summer, she's going to get a bit of a shock if she thinks she can walk all over me anymore Grin

DH and I are doing great

Grokette · 17/04/2014 02:16

I moved interstate for university and it was the best thing I ever did. I actually had some freedom for the first time in my life.

I met my now DH at university and he was from the same city as me, so eventually years later we moved back (mainly because his family are pretty decent, and for work reasons) and, funnily enough, I was hit with a depressive episode that lasted about three or four years. Things are much better now but I still wish we could move away again. Too much history I think.

hellokittymania · 17/04/2014 03:34

I FEEL FOR YOU. My sister does this, she talked to me til I was 19, then BANG!! We spoke once in 2005 and then she turned nasty again. I received 2 emails from her since then, very formal and talking about the past.

I ignore her.

Kakaka · 17/04/2014 07:20

I moved to NZ which wasn't too get away from my parents but that has been an added bonus. It's given me space to realize it is them. Not me.

The downside is that they come to visit.

Original poster
FrankCarsonsDressingRoom · 17/04/2014 07:49

Actually, kakaka, it would be nz for us too!

And the problem for me would be that it will just solidify their dislike of me bc now I swan off....jealousy is a big theme.

But this sounds good....was sure I'd feel guilty but could do with some relief. They ALL hate me. It's draining.

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Kakaka · 17/04/2014 08:00

Sorry Frank- I'm on your other thread too!

Do you think they would visit? Cos that can be very hard too. I've just had mine for the summer. Luckily they don't stay with us solidly but it is very draining having them in the country and coming and going.

I'm lucky that my parents are not as bad as some. But I definitely don't feel we have lost anything is being so far away anymore. We are our own little unit and I can finally begin to be me.

BosieDufflecoat · 17/04/2014 08:00

Do they hate you enough to never come and visit you in NZ? The only disadvantage to living 1000s of miles from family is that when you see them, it's because they've flown to see you and they stay for days rather than hours.

It doesn't sound like yours are going to follow you there, though.

If they've already decided you're the most terrible person ever, you might as well enjoy proving them right! NZ is supposed to be lovely.

Original poster
FrankCarsonsDressingRoom · 17/04/2014 08:09

My dh and I only came back to this country to have a baby, spend some time near family while our kids are young....we've had a great time, but my family have basically turned on me, including threatening to sue me right after I had the baby, and other bullying behaviour. I was crushed but not now....I'm naturally v confident, so am not being dragged down too much, but can't stand seeing my kids wonder where granny has gone of why the cousins don't visit etc. it's not good for my eldest son who is v sensitive and sweet.

Bullying modes have included facebook and email, so i cant torally avoid them, but they won't be able to phone easily and won't appear on the doorstep to lambast me unannounced.

I think my husband in in your shoes, hypodermic bc I had planned to baptise the baby on his first birthday and husband put an end to it by planning a surprise holiday.....think he just wanted to avoid baptism birthday tension.

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cloggal · 17/04/2014 09:37

Ah, I hadn't realised you were going so far - limited contact wouldn't be too bad (if you wanted it!) in that case.

But I'd seriously think about whether or not you do want it. Maybe it's actually easier to maintain a superficial relationship from a long distance.

In our case the unannounced visits had escalated to several instances of breach of the peace, one where a neighbour actually rang the police out of concern. It's nice to be able to relax at home again. I hope you manage to find this whether or not you go to NZ.

Original poster
FrankCarsonsDressingRoom · 17/04/2014 18:00

I have to go, the last years been v tough emotionally, indulging In V destructive behaviours now, comfort eating etc, just need to sort myself out. And best thing I can do is get away.

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grumpasaur · 18/04/2014 22:57

Moved from Canada to England! Now we have a wonderful relationship.

sashh · 19/04/2014 10:45

Yes.

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