I'm going to try and keep this from becoming epic, but may or may not succeed...
When my father died a few years ago, we had a big family fall out after the funeral, which was ostensibly over my getting angry with DB's partner (she was pregnant, I was grieving, neither of us was right and it was only about what time supper should be). DB and my step-DB then basically cut me off for many months. Which was probably much more to do with me being family scapegoat (long long story) than what time dinner should have been.
Since then DB and I have managed to get along for the sake of the cousins seeing each other (we don't have a huge family). His partner doesn't tend to come to many of these meetings and I've seen her probably three times since the bust up, and she's not exactly been enthusiastic to see me on any of these.
I'm actually fine with this; I've semi-detached from the family and this suits me. Although I do get anxiety attacks in the run up to any family visits.
DB has recently come to stay. And has sent an email, which basically says, it is important that you come to stay with us. But this isn't because he wants to see us, but because it would be good for DNephew, who apparently thinks family is very important (he's three). There is nothing about liking to see me at all - which given that one thing I did learn from the bust up is that neither DB nor DSB like me very much - is kind of crucial.
This has brought me out in insomnia and fury. It's not about me, or wanting to see us, but all about the good of his son. It brings back so many memories of me being told that I was wrong, and my feelings don't matter and I have to do the right thing by the family. And also, how rude is it to tell someone what to do like that? Rather than saying, oh we really enjoyed seeing you, please do come to us.
So I don't want to do it. I'm very happy meeting them for the day, or for them to stay with us (it's usually just DB and DN then).
I also don't want to spend a weekend in a flat with someone who doesn't like me, the potential for disaster is enormous.
But if I say anything at all against it, I will be accused of raking up old stuff. So I have no idea what to do. But this time, I am not just going to roll over and take it - I feel as though something has shifted inside, and I'm reacting very strongly to people who are trying to do the same emotional pressure thing in my normal day to day life.
Except, I've never stood up for myself in this way (plenty of other ways) before, and I have no idea how to do it without being the one causing the row. What do I do now?
I have sent him an email, which basically boils down to (said more politely) there is a can of worms here, we can either carry on as we are or we can open it, you choose.
And sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I think I've confused myself in writing it.