DP REALLY doesn't want this baby. I have no idea what to do.

[devildeepbluesea]

I have NC for this. I'm not a very regular poster, but even so I don't think I want to own up to being in this position.

I am 9 weeks pg with our second child. The pregnancy wasn't planned but wasn't prevented either. We had a few weeks of agonising over whether we would go ahead, because neither of us were massively keen on another child (complicated contraception issue, long story now resolved once and for all). Our daughter is 13 months old.

Eventually we decided that it would feel wrong to terminate what would be our daughter's only sibling and so decided we would go ahead. But - did we decide that? I know we had a conversation that went along those lines and my partner agreed that terminating would feel wrong but in truth we didn't discuss much in detail. I think I felt scared that if we discussed it too much, I would feel pressured into terminating. Anyway I registered with the midwife and we have discussed the future with 2 children a bit and, whilst neither of us are exactly delighted, I did think we were accepting of the situation. I'm sorry if that upsets some people; we love our daughter very, very much but I must admit the thought of another year of broken sleep, worry, etc etc and a further delay to our life getting back to some semblance of normal is very daunting.

Over the past week our daughter has been quite poorly and not her usual, easy self. Usually she sleeps through the night and rarely cries. This week has been hard. Last night my partner said that this has made him realise that he absolutely, 100% does not want another and that if I continue the pregnancy it would be absolutely against his wishes. Now I feel very, very confused. The thought of a termination terrifies me; the thought of another child terrifies me, but at least if we took that route I feel that I may be able to live with myself. But would I hate my life? I'm not someone who loves being a mum. I do enjoy it but mostly it's a slog. I know this will get better as she gets older, but why would I put myself through the baby stage again?

I just don't know what to do. I can't get my own views on termination straight, so how can I be expected to take his views on board as well?

Is it because he is a stay at home dad that he is having doubts? Does he think he has a right to put this pressure on you because he feels he is the one going to be left looking after two?

Maybe that could be the crux of the issue

IS it that he/you doesn't want another child, or that you don't want to repeat the parenting experience you've just had?
Can you change how you do things - if you're going on maternity leave can he go out to work? Could you both work part time and share childcare, or get part-time paid childcare? Do you have family help?

I can see why if he is just starting to feel like he can enjoy your DD - and around 13 months is a FAB age, it really felt like the baby haze is lifting to me - he would not want to go backwards. But it doesn't have to be exactly the same, only a bit harder. You can look at other options.

Again Morris, i hear what you say. I had severe PND/PTSD after my first, and it was a major factor in making the decision to have another. My personal situation (and I'm saying that because it was personal to ME, not therefore generalising that this happens with everyone) was that certainly for the first year of DD's life, i was so ill that i could not, absolutely not, have coped with another child. In her second year i was still quite adamant i didn't want another. The fear of being that ill again, and the delivery, was too great. I came off meds when DD was 2.5. As DD headed towards 3, something shifted, i felt well and confidant that if i did have another and began to feel ill, i would spot the signs, and get help. I felt better equipped. Then began the all-out broodiness and desire for another baby...DS was born when DD was 4 and a bit. Did i get ill again? No. Was the delivery as horrific as the first? No. Do i regret anything? Apart from not getting help with the PND sooner after DD, although i was probabley the least well placed to do this, no. But what it gave me was a total appreciation and understanding of anyone who says "no, 1 is enough". Respect to you Morris x

Thanks wallaby and congrats on having no. 2! My age is a big factor in all this, so to be honest the decision not to have another was a bit of a non debate, also because we live in a flat and our lives are perfectly set up for one.

If I did have another though, like you I'd spot the signs of illness etc much earlier.

I love ds immensely, and he enriches our lives in countless ways. But I have a great need now to always move forward, make progress, get through stages etc. I just couldnt go back to square one after how far we've come. If I never see another breast pad/ nappy/ buggy in my life it'll be too soon.

Respect to you wallaby and all the other posters here sharing their experiences. Hope the OP can find some way through the maze xx

Oh and well done getting off meds!

I've got to say. I wasn't a natural and found number two hard. If you think one is taxing be very aware of having a second. Personally it hit our relationship very hard (still does) and not even sure if we will ever get back to what it was like before that.

Also I know ppl say well he should have used protection etc but he didn't and he doesn't want another baby be ause it's too much for him. He is being honest and if he wasn't that would be another issue. At least you know what you're in for. Resentment and tiredness can kill a relationship. A new baby can also do the same if the foundations are not very strong.

I'm pro-choice on the issue of abortion but in my opinion if you're not 100% sure it's what you want then it may be something you'll regret. I had an abortion in my 20's at the time it was 100% the right decision for me but I do still think about it, I wonder about what could have been but I know at that time/place it was the best decision for me.
I've also been a single parent to 2 children, 3 yrs age difference, and it was hard and lonely and I was permamently broke, but on cold and rainy days they were great company for each other, cuddling on the sofa watching crap tv with one on each side of me :) Of course being on your own with fighting or vomitting children is no fun but that comes with children.
Good luck with whatever choice you make, but you have to be 100% sure it's what you want

Honestly, OP, I would leave the issue for a while.

If DD has been unwell, it's quite possible DP has got some kind of bug. We ALL know that just before you go down with a bad cold or flu, life feels impossible. Just getting through the day becomes a titanic battle - yet rather than think to ourselves 'Oh, I must be going down with something', we often blame ourselves, feel helpless, and even lash out at those around us. (And yes, PMS is exactly the same!). It's quite possible right now that your DH is simply having a bit of a wobble brought on by illness/tiredness.

Leave it a week or ten days, and then see if he feels the same way. It is quite possible he'll change his mind as DD gets better and things calm down. If he doesn't, you can then have a proper, in-depth conversation about the options that are open to you. This is a decision that you need to discuss in a lot more depth, and with a lot more explicitness than you've been able to so far - and any agreement needs to be reached in good heart by both.

Ah op, so sad. Babs are only young for so long. It's a slog but sounds like u want the baby, only dp making you doubt. I got pg with no 3 unexpectedly. Dp kept saying he'd thought his baby making days were gone and wanted to enjoy life. I felt soooooo guilty for sooooo long early on in pg but she is a delight. It's not easy but think long and hard. Do what u want to do and go with it. Life is too short for regrets one way or another. I have friends with cancer, Huntingdon disease, infertility. A second child is not the end. It is only if u let it be. Gl.

I'm in a really similar situation - I'm 4 1/2 months pregnant and didnt find out until quite late. Initially, my partner said he would stand by me either way - although this was at a time that I was edging towards a termination. A dating scan revealed I was actually 15 weeks pregnant and I decided I wanted to keep the baby.

My partner basically told me it would ruin his life and we hardly speak about the pregnancy now atall. Our relationship is really strained and I don't know if we will get through it. My partner has been clear that he wants to stay with me...but I feel that he resents me and the baby.

I didnt think I could handle a termination..despite all the shock and the fact that my partner would be happy.

If you dont want a termination - then don't do it. Ultimately the decision is yours.

Some friends of mine were in a similar situation when she got pg with a third just twelve months after having the second. They both had very mixed feelings so arranged a few counselling sessions and decided that they just didn't want three dc's so had a termination. A year later they decided that they really wanted a third dc so actively started trying for another baby with sucess. I know that they do feel some guilt but they also agree that they did the right thing at the time for them. I'd strongly recommend some counselling together, whatever you decide to do you both need to feel sure about.

Good luck.

is it really a good idea to bring another child into the world when neither of you actually want it?

is he a sahd through choice or unemployed? maybe he is worried he wont cope? (if your relationship is already rocky and he is the parent who spends most time with your dd, be prepared to be the non resident parent paying maintenance btw)

I personally wouldn't want to take much longer to decide if you are already 9 weeks.

Maybe your dp was using extra harsh words through being tired. No excuse though.

Talk it through some more ....do you think you would feel differently if he wasn't so down on the whole situation....

I think the fact that he has said this to you is wrong. If he respected you he would not try and force his opinion on your body.
Your daughter not sleeping well when ill is not the end of he world he needs grow up.
I think you need to decide what you want firmly and them let him know. He has to work around you.

I don't see how he can not use contraception & then throw a paddy when a pregnancy happens tbh.

Being a parent to two young ones can be hard, but goodness knows plenty of people manage to do it.

I think it sounds as thoug hyour partner is just very scaed by the prospect, but really, on some level, you would have both known there was a chence of you falling pregnant in the first place, and you say it wasn't planned, but not really prevented. So I think kyou both really know what would happen. A sibling is one of the best gifts you can give to DC1.

I doubt very much that you will regret forever having another child. There is a fair chance however, that you will never forgive yourself for terminating your DC1's only chance for a sibling.

You'll both be fine, you sound like a good team.

Both my DCs were surprises. My xh said I want a divorce when I told him the results of pregnancy test. I wasn't best pleases to be pregnant again either. 15 months between my kids. Divorced when DCs were 2 & 3. Knackered for 4 years, but now in my 40s DCs 8&9 and I've found my superwoman. There's no denying it's hard but you have to do what you can best live with.

Thank you so much for the mainly thoughtful and insightful words ( there's always a few idiots but hey that's the internet for you).
We haven't discussed it yet, we're waiting for DD to get better. Oddly enough her illness has sort of reinforced the fact that I don't want to terminate. DP is happier and we will talk very soon. I hope he becomes a bit less vehement in his oppisition though, because the past couple of days has, I think, made my mind up for me.

I think your OH sounds really unsupportive, first he says yes and then immediately it's changed to no way, he can't play games over your health or that of your child, he needs to grow a backbone and get on with it. Sorry OP you might not like mine and similar replies but I think you're dilemma has been made worse by his attitude. I hope he realises this, perhaps he is now.

I agree with fromparistoberlin in that neither of you sounds happy about your current situation, and you need to discuss that first. Even if he can only break even on working, perhaps he should retrain or work so that he doesn't feel stuck. Fwiw, I'm a female working pt and still find looking after my dc hard and unrewarding at times and it doesn't necessarily get better that fast once they start tantrums so you need to make the current situation happier and go into the second one with a plan and understanding it's a short run difficultly (the lack of sleep). It even comes across as if dh is a bit depressed tbh.

Well yes, if he doesn't want to be a SAHD to two los, is there the option of him working f/ptime & childcare being used?

I see two issues. The first is deciding what you want to do about the pg. You are the one who is pg, the decision re keeping/terminating it must be one you feel is the best (of a bad situation) for you IMO - not for your other dc, or for your OH, or for anyone else, but for you personally. Could you have a little break over Easter weekend to get time to think?

The second issue is that what your OH said indicates he may be the kind of man that blames a woman for getting pregnant - no matter what your current view of him is this is a massive, massive red flag. Yes, he may have been tired and said something out of order/proportion but not taking steps to prevent a pg and then making an ultimatum to your now pg partner is really, really unacceptable. Wishes are not coming into this for either of you and what he's telling you there is that he is going to exploit his male privilege to abuse you. Neither of you wished for or wanted this baby but an abortion is quite a big deal, like a pg and the ordeal is not something you can throw your hands up about and say to him "take it away I don't want it".