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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unsure if i should leave

17 replies

Nutty7 · 15/04/2014 22:49

I am in a relationship with an angry man. We live together and have a baby together. Our DS is 7 months old and is everything to us both. We had a brilliant relationship until i got pregnant then my DP changed towards me.

It feels as though he hates me if i try to speak he just says yep and cuts me off sighing. There is no intimacy at all i just get a peck if he goes to work. He wanted me to give up work til baby is in school and i agreed. The last few months he has been nasty saying i am lazy and have an easy life. I am living in his house he controls everything i don't have a say in anything.
He yells and screams at me if i won't go or do something he wants so i end up going to keep the peace. Before i was pregnant if i didn't want to do something he would say ok is it alright if i do it. He used to be so considerate. He hates his job and his phone is always ringing for work.

If i want him to have our DS i have to sit til hes finished getting his drink or whatever and he makes a song and dance about it. He is always on ebay or gumtree looking for things to add to an ever growing collection of crap. I am now not allowed to buy anything that takes up his space or he sulks. When he finally holds our son if i've asked him to he is on his phone online while baby is wriggling or making noise. This seems to set him off saying for fuck sake and his face goes all red and angry looking. I threatened to leave a week ago if he carried on getting shouty or swearing so he said go i'll share custody. I am staying because i am scared that if i leave he will get my boy as i have no job or much money.

When he isn't doing anything he is happy to hold DS and laughs and loves him like a dad should, i just wish he would be like that all the time.

I have just read this through and it doesn't seem anywhere near as bad as i feel it is in real life. There is always an atmosphere and i am so tired i don't know what to do. If i tell my HV will it get back to him or will they just listen so i can tell someone in real life. I have no friends close by as i moved away years ago and only have a few people from my last job that i speak to but nobody close. My family don't live near so if i leave it will be just me and my baby. I couldn't leave him overnight yet as am breastfeeding and he won't drink from a bottle.

Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to get something out.

OP posts:
TheCatThatSmiled · 15/04/2014 22:52

Oh I'm sorry, but he sounds emotionally abusive. Please call Women's Aid if you are in the uk, they can help you.

There will be wiser women along soon, but there is help out there.

LettertoHermioneGranger · 15/04/2014 23:06

Ring Women's Aid. They'll advise you on how best to leave.

Many men do not become abusive (or rather, show their abusive ways) until their victim is pregnant.

  • he yells, screams, and bullies you to get what he wants
  • he's nasty to you
  • he makes you dependent on him for finances, controls the money, doesn't allow you to buy anything
  • creates an atmosphere where you are unhappy and possibly afraid of his behavior

You say reading it over it doesn't sound bad - but it does. It can be hard to see when you're in it, it becomes your normal, but it isn't normal, and it isn't right. Good for you in recognizing it. It's the first step to getting out.

You deserve much better than a man who makes you feel as if he hates you. Take your son and don't look back.

horsetowater · 15/04/2014 23:14

Your situation is horrendous. Do speak to Womens Aid, they will give you advice and support and find somewhere if you need to leave. You will be fine but don't do anything sudden and don't let him read this thread. Sometimes abusive men may only get violent when the woman makes the decision to leave so be careful and do your homework first - read up about emotional abuse.

Original poster
Nutty7 · 15/04/2014 23:23

Thanks i know i have to leave i just find it hard. I will speak to Womens Aid as soon as i can. He would turn nastier if i left and cause problems for me. I thought he was going through a midlife crisis when he started being awful but i guess its just the way he is. I know he would tell lies about me so that he could try and get custody. Thats why i wanted to tell the HV but i will ask WA.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/04/2014 23:24

I'm sorry you're in an abusive relationship and would second the advice to give Womens Aid a call. 0808 2000 247. Abusive men often only show their true colours once a baby arrives. Was it really a brilliant relationship before the baby or was it more that you were pandering to him?

If you're not tied down to a job and therefore a particular location, there is nothing to stop you going back to your home town and being with your family and old friends while you decide what to do next. Womens Aid will also be able to recommend solicitors that specialise in cases where there is domestic abuse. You will find that his threats about custody are just that... threats.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/04/2014 23:27

Health Visitors, as all medical professionals, are required to keep anything you tell them strictly confidential. (Is your partner a doctor that you worry something would get back to him?) Do talk to the HV and even your GP because having it on record that he is abusive will be very important if he tries to make your life difficult.

Original poster
Nutty7 · 15/04/2014 23:30

It really was brilliant we went on holidays, out most weekends. He chased me for about 6 months before we got together i had been busy working and didn't want a man. When we went on a date it was so much fun and i felt like he was my best mate. Years later its gone wrong, i thought he must have another woman but he doesn't go anywhere apart from work. Wish he would go out so i get some peace!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/04/2014 08:53

You might find this article called Are you dating an Abuser? revealing.... Especially that part about having been chased for six months. I'm sure you found it flattering but it's a pretty classic red flag

hamptoncourt · 16/04/2014 18:04

OP why is the fact that your family live a long away away a reason not to move near them?

Given what a wanker he is I would have thought that the further away you moved the better?

Of course he won't want shared custody, he is just saying this to keep you in your place.

Wait until he is out for a long time, pack up all your stuff, including passports and financial info, and go somewhere safe. Then text him to say you and DS are safe and you will be in touch via your solicitor to arrange access. If you try to reason with him his behaviour may escalate. He cannot have DS for long if you are EBF anyway and I bet once he realises he will have to travel to see you he won't actually bother.

I hate to tell you this but if you escape him he will try for a while to get you back, doing anything he can including pleading/crying/suicide threats, then aggressive threats etc. If you get through this he will just switch and move into his next victim and not give you or DS a second thought.

If he can no longer control you he will lose interest as you will have no value to him.

Original poster
Nutty7 · 17/04/2014 18:12

I've read through are you dating an abuser and it mostly applies to him. I had a chat to WA and am going to get away. I have to wait til i know he is on a big job (builder) then i can get things rolling. I have a friend willing to help move so am keeping quiet so he can't yell at me. I'll be ok i know that now its just hard accepting how bad it is.
Thank you all for your comments its made me see more clearly. I don't know how long it will take but i'm looking forward to a happy peaceful life.

OP posts:
msrisotto · 17/04/2014 18:22

Oh your posts make me so incredibly sad op. He sounds truly horrible. It is quite common for men to become abusive when their partners are pregnant, I'm not sure why but it wouldn't surprise me if it was because they are most vulnerable. I am glad you have decided to leave, all the best x

tallwivglasses · 17/04/2014 18:27

So glad you're getting out Nutty7. I read your OP with mounting horror, then said an audible 'WTF?' when you added 'I have just read this through and it doesn't seem anywhere near as bad as i feel it is in real life.' You really have been through it :(

Good for you, keep your cards close to your chest and delete history. Please keep posting too x

horsetowater · 18/04/2014 08:16

That's great that you have advice Nutty and have made a decision. As I said, hide this thread, he will pick up if you behave differently so try to be as normal as possible, even if he shouts. It's not for long. See you on the other side :)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/04/2014 08:36

I'm glad you're going to contact WA and that you have a friend willing to help. Please stay safe because abusive men can be particularly dangerous once they think they've lost. I hope you have a much happier future.

Original poster
Nutty7 · 18/04/2014 08:42

Hes off all weekend so i have arranged plenty of visits with his mum to go shopping etc. He lost his dad about 10 years ago around this time so he likes his mum being around. He doesn't want to come out with us though so will be nice.
We have separate laptops and he doesn't know my password to get on it, i change it often so not worried and i only go online if hes out or in the bath so he doesn't see.
Feeling good today, i will update when i get out of here

OP posts:
mrsspagbol · 18/04/2014 08:51

Good luck OP - all the best

borisgudanov · 18/04/2014 12:53

Don't leave. Kick his arse out instead.

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