Just want to get this out - feel completely played.

[melrose87]

I am feeling so confused about a relationship that has been on-off for years. I went to university with a male friend and we got on well. We developed a close friendship as we were on the same course and used to talk all the time. Nothing has ever happened (apart from some flirting whenever we went out and some subtle touching/hugging etc.) while drunk in clubs. This was mainly because I was always in a relationship and he was a bit of a player.

We graduated from uni and over the past 5 years have stayed in touch. About 2 years ago we started messaging online all the time and the talk got a bit steamy. We were both single at this time. We started sending each other dodgy pictures. I have always had a weird thing for him and always secretly hoped we could get together. The thing is, it always seems to be sexual for him and emotional for me.

I have always liked him and have hoped for a relationship with him. Stupidly, I keep going back to him 'as a friend to confide in' between relationships, hoping that he will suddenly develop romantic feelings. He has said things in the past like "I think I could love you" but it's always been a bit seedy because he often turns the conversation to something dirty. I sometimes wonder if we could ever be together and it's something I can't get over because I feel like he is special to me - no idea why.

We started talking again this week after a long gap of about a year. He has a girlfriend now and I am also in a relationship. It started out friendly but then he started saying that we should "have fun for old times sake". I said I wasn't going to do anything like that and asked him why he stopped talking to me a year ago. He said it was around the time he met his girlfriend and apologized for it ending so abruptly. I said I'd missed talking to him and it's a shame that nothing has ever happened and probably never will now. He just said "Yeah I know but it's just a bit of fun." He then asked if I wanted to see more dodgy pictures of him like old times.

This really hurt me. I feel like an idiot for investing all this thought and emotion into him - regarding him as a friend, someone I care about, could even one day be with - and he just sees me as "a bit of fun." Then I started to realise that even when we were single, he wasn't interested in anything but sex. He even invited me to a hotel years ago when I suggested meeting up for a drink. He has given me several indications about why he would never seriously be with me - e.g. I'm not tall enough, he's picky etc.

I feel sad that he has this girlfriend now. He always said he wasn't interested in a relationship but now he obviously is. Yet I feel sorry for her at the same time because he can't be trusted if he's sending messages like this to me. He kept saying "please delete this conversation afterwards, do you promise you won't tell anyone?" like I'm some shameful secret. I've only been his friend for 8 years but he can't tell people we're talking!

I don't know what to say really. Just feel hurt that I'm not good enough for him. I'm not girlfriend material, he wouldn't even consider it, I'm just good for sex and that's it (not that we've ever had sex - just sent sexual messages to each other in the past.) I would never even do anything dodgy with him now as I love my current boyfriend and it isn't fair to his girlfriend either. I just seem to have come to the realisation that he doesn't see this as a special friendship - just a possible bit on the side when he gets bored. And I'm left thinking 'what if?' forever.

Thanks for reading. Any words of advice would be appreciated.

Oh dear OP. I'm sorry. It sounds like he only ever really saw you as a good mate with boobs... He probably really enjoyed your company but he put you in the "buddy" camp rather than the "girlfriend" camp. It's hugely annoying when this happens....

I'm sorry you've been hurt, and I'm glad you're in a happy, loving, equal relationship.

With time, you'll look back on this friendship with an air of nostalgia and probably wonder how you managed to invest so much time in someone so flakey. Look forward, try not to dwell on where it went wrong, and be really glad you're not his girlfriend as he doesn't really sound like great boyfriend material!

I think you are looking at this wrong. He is not good enough for you.

If he was, he would be loving kind and interested. The kind of bf you deserve. Not this pathetic boy who sends sexual messages behind his gf back.

You don't deserve that kind of bf, so the universe is looking after you there. Because if this boy was interested in you, he would be texting someone else these sexual messages.

Try to just be glad you never did end up in a relationship with him.

You've had a lucky escape.

I think you need to thank yourself from head to toe and all the way back up again for never having had sex with him.

If the last eight years had been different, the only advantage would be that you'd have an answer to 'What if' and the answer would be 'No.'

So you're still left with 'what if,' but you seem to have answered it already. 'It always seemed to be sexual for him and emotional for me.'

If in all those years you've only had 'I think I could love you,' then you have not missed out on an emotionally stable, satisfying relationship, it's more likely you've dodged one that might have been good in bed for a while, but ultimately would have broken your heart.

He's nearly always been in the background, but don't mistake his stable presence in your life for a source of the actual stability you need.

You aren't his girlfriend, you feel sorry for the girl who is, you never had sex with him, and I think you should feel pretty relieved and good and warm inside about that.

Some men flirt just as an ego-stroking exercise to make themselves feel better. It can lead to real upset when it's aimed at someone who needs a deeper connection and I'm sorry you feel hurt. Mend that hurt with the absolute relief that you never slept with him.

When I was young and single, whenever there was sexual chemistry/mutual attraction with someone, I told myself 'if you can take it or leave it, then leave it.' I really think that in time, you'll be glad you left this one.

(And do delete those conversations.)

This has happened to me so I know exactly how you feel. The man in question I knew from sixth form, we stayed in touch for years, meeting for dinner/drinks if we were ever in the same place at the same time.

He was always trying to get me into bed. It never happened as I always felt he was pushing a little too hard. I was emotionally invested, I felt he really "knew" me because I had shared so much with him, but it think he just used it to his advantage.

Turns out he had a series of girlfriends throughout the time I knew him, and was never single the times we met. I felt used, and almost violated. I also had that self esteem issue of feeling like I wasn't good enough to be his gf, but fine a a bit on the side.

The truth is that he was a louse (as is the man you're talking about), and didn't deserve the years of friendship I gave him. I too feel sorry for the girlfriends he tried to (and probably did) cheat on, and with hindsight, am ever so glad it wasn't me!

Delete the conversations, focus on your new relationship, and put him behind you. There is no reason to stay "friends" any more. to you.

That "But... but I thought we were friends??" feeling is horrible, isn't it :( There's no way you can say/think it without feeling all whiny and childish and from a place of hurt. Not that you are whiny and childish!

I agree with Boise. What if.... nothing :)

I think that, as has been said, you know the score already, and I agree with Aussie that you're too good for him. Stop messaging him and go cold turkey. You'll feel a lot better in time.

Advice?
You love your boyfriend. Disengage from the player. Btw he sounds very unsavoury.

You're not friends and you never have been. You have been two people who fulfil a need in each other at points in your lives. Friendship is without agenda, non sexual and emotionally invested. What you had was not friendship. You have known him for 8 years, if he wanted to have a relationship with you he would have initiated one. I'm sorry but you have been played for 8 years.
I'm not trying to be cruel but it's an important lesson to learn. I learnt this one through experience in my early twenties. I hope this experience makes you a bit more self aware about your relationships in future.

Exactly, he is no where near good enough for you, he's never been that great a friend if you're honest, in fact, he sounds really quite sleazy and not b/f material at all.

He's full of BS and you really need to stop wasting your thoughts on a man who does not give a fig about you, it's all about him getting a shag, so glad you never went there, that'll be why he's hanging about hoping he'll get it and I guarantee you he'll dump you from a high height. No offence but he's a man, he's not a god, in fact, his personality sounds pretty ugly.

I dunno what else is going on in your life but you need to fill it with nice people and nice thoughts, not on a creep who thinks nothing of you.

I had one of these at university. I thought his friendship and support was helping me but looking back he was exploiting my affection for him and our closeness to keep me hanging on.

If I ever disengaged, met someone else or similar, he would become extra lovey dovey and friendly, backing off when the "threat" was gone.

Coincidentally we live in the same city now. When he discovered this he got in touch and we went out. Once he discovered I was happily married and beyond his reach he drifted back out of my life, completely proving he was never a friend.

Leave this idiot behind. You deserve much better.

I think lots of us have been in this situation. It's very sobering to realise that you thought you had a special connection and basically he wanted to get his leg over. This thought should help you move on though, get a better fantasy figure to moon over!

Op, it would have been SO much worse if you had slept with him. Thank your lucky stars you saw through him and avoided that humiliation.

Hi OP I had what I call a friendship like this but it didn't start like this, but 'ended' like that, although he gets in touch when he feels like it.

Even had the cheek to say that he doesn't want a relationship, if he did he'd 'pick me'. What a cheek?!

I think the rose tinted specs have finally come off for me. I deserve better. He made me extremely weak.

You deserve more

You sound too decent for him. He sounds like a bit of a ratbag. Men can fancy women who are in relationships but decent men will hold back and keep their boundaries.

Neither is he a friend to you - he simply uses you for an ego boost when it suits him. The excuses he makes for not being with you - too short, him too picky, are just nonsense. I expect he targets quite docile (for want of a better word) women who won't see through him, and while he fancies you, he knows you wouldn't let him away with his carry on, and would dump him.

Its never a good sign when a man has a long series of girlfriends whom he splits up with. It usually means there is something wrong with him.

I suspect its more the mystery and not knowing that is attracting you to him, plus the fact you possibly knew him when he wasn't such a sleazebag. You'll probably get fed up with him soon enough. I think to speed up this process you could either just cut him off and stay as far away from his as possible, or try total immersion and end it with your boyfriend, contact this guy and tell him you are available and want to try a proper relationship with him - this is how it is, no more messing around and if he doesn't want that, then he must realise you will not be available for boosting his ego any more. In other words, stand up to him and stop letting him control you. You are not getting anything out of it, so you might as well change what is happening on your own terms.

I actually did this in a similar scenario a few years ago (except the man in question was more decent and not a player) and ended up being in a proper relationship with him.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. It's good to know that others have had similar experiences. This has opened my eyes and I realise that it is a lucky escape because he's not bf material and realistically, I couldn't ever trust him.

I don't know why I kept putting up with it. He is very good looking but looks aren't everything. I think I'm the sort of person that gets bored and looks for excitement and perhaps I'm a bit too trusting of people. I sometimes think people have good intentions when they don't. I also put up with too much from people in all areas of my life and this is a good example.

He's messaged me today saying 'sorry I had to go last night. My gf phoned me while we were talking.' I haven't replied. He's got a nerve. It's like he wants the best of both worlds while parading his relationship in my face. He has got an ugly personality, no matter how attractive he is on the outside. Thanks everyone x

You're left thinking 'what if' forever?? Surely it's obvious that you've escaped a relationship with a shallow, disloyal, crude, incredibly self absorbed man?

He was happy to relegate you to the subs' bench. That's not having a connection with someone. It's not friendship or something special based on mutual respect. I'll say this much for him - he never promised you hearts and flowers, it has been one-sided so you can't even accuse him of stringing you along.

When you graduated five years' ago you fondly hoped some day you'd get together. Stop using him as a confidant between boyfriends.

Next time he sends you a seedy message 'accidentally' forward it to a mutual friend - 'Oops' - he will drop off your radar before you can say "Timewaster".

One way I dealt with how I was treated was to read unclaimed baggage blog site.

so many things you say show you know he's not good enough for you
he's a bit of a player
sexual for him, emotional for you
just a bit of fun
wants to show you dodgy pictures
he could never seriously be with you because

this is not good, is it?

just saw your last post
yep