Breaking the routine of passive friendships

[Bananasandnutella]

Prior to my world being turned upside down I was a really confident person not too afraid to speak my mind when necessary.

After my ex 'broke me' I've worked hard to be a stronger person.

I've found that during this recovery my friendships with others have become very passive. I feel that I abide by their rules and in a way let them treat me in a way where they always say when we meet etc, or things are on their terms. When they make me do really passive things, like pick up our friendship when they are 'bored' I make crap excuses for them.

How do I break this cycle? Any thoughts?

Basically I'm trying to say that I'm a bit lonely at the mo and as a single parent am on my own a lot. Because I feel that I am desperate for friendship etc I let people walk over me a bit

I think this is the last thing to get right. My x shredded me too.

Cue psychotherapy. Cue recognising how my parents' parenting of me had lead me to feel comfortable with controlling domineering people. I have been single for years and have been giving myself a pat on the back for quickly binning any man that is entitled or selfish etc....... but i only recently realised that I still fit in around my friends. I meet them when it suits them. I do what they like to do............... and, unlike previous abusive partners, these are just women that are more assertive than i am,maybe they have more charisma.
If i said to my friends, no, we'll go out when I want to go out and we'll do what I want to do I'd very quickly have an empty diary.

I don't know how to get the balance right with friends. I feel I can handle my mother, I can spot potential fuckwit men and get rid of them quickly, but friends that are just more assertive than I am, how not to completely fall in around them??

ps, and, unlike exes, these women are nice people, I don't really want to eliminate them. But I also know that they seem to have the power in the friendships. I meet at times that don't suit me.

With dickhead exes it was more clear cut. He was selfish! He was a user! He was so self-absorbed!

With female friends, they aren't bad people, they are obviously just happy to continue to do what suits them.

ps, I could have written your post, and was actually thinking of starting a similar post. I'm a single parent too and now I feel i have all the practical things sewn up. It's just the social side of my life that is a bit .... lacking.

Does it have to be 'all or nothing'? Could you decline when their plans don't suit you, accept when they do? Do you suggest things to do?

I do suggest things that would suit me better but they kind of fall of deaf ears. SO, would it be churlish to turn down the longstanding routine alternative? It seems a little churlish. Part of the problem is that as a single parent, you're a square peg in a round hole.

Thanks for your replies. I always make suggestions but my friends alter them for their convenience.

Once when I tried to have a bit of power in the friendship I received a very long message kind of attacking me and saying I needed to make more of an effort, can you believe.

I feel like i can't count on them.

With my first 'relationship' after my ex, I was really passive and it broke me. Whilst he helped me rebuild my faith in men as in trust-wise, not all men are cheating bastards, I found myself being a real walkover with regards to where I was in his pecking order. In a way it broke me again as it was always on his terms.

I'm so lonely at times that like you ryvita I feel that if I ever stood up for myself I'd be even worse off!

Remember - there are people out there who won't take you for granted and boss you about. They're the ones to seek out and make friends with....

Yeh, it's really tricky to get that balance right, particularly with female friends. With a man, you see a sniff of that selfishness and you think, uh oh, no thank you. I have got very good at that. I have it right in my head. I don't feel worthless! I believe I'm good company and that I deserve friendships.

I was reading something on mindbodygreen about 'occasional friendships' and I think most people's friendships are occasional. So basically, most people just suit themselves!??? and if you're a particularly charismatic person then others will fall in around you. I need more single friends! A lot of my rants end with that sentence.

I'm with you there ryvita. My friends are all married, their children and husbands all come first. When my dd is in bed or at her dads I can watch tv and films for hours. Take very long baths and pass the time in a dull way, it's really not me. Married friends say I should feel lucky I get all this free time! They really have no idea.

Do you want to PM ryvita? We can't rant together!

And thanks for the tip about mumsnet local x