DP and I at loggerheads over schools for DS's

[MezleyM]

I started this in AIBU, but realised it is far more complex.
Our DS's (8 and 4) go to a lovely private school near us. DS1 has been there since nursery, DS2 at nursery there, due to start reception in September. They are both really happy there and doing very well. I have no strong feelings on private/state, but realistically, I can see that what they get (for instance DS2 will be in a class of 14 max), DS1 is sports mad, just isn't offered in state schools. DS1 went there because it fitted in well with my work, the opportunities it offered were great, and tbh, DP wasn't that interested in schools, so left it up to me.
Since then, DP has decided that he doesn't agree with the 'principle' of private schools on the basis that if the state is offering you something for free, you shouldn't then pay again. Against my wishes, he applied for a state school place for DS2. Obviously offer day is tomorrow.
The fees were just about manageable, until my parents (who are well off, but not uber-wealthy) set up a trust fund, which will pay half the fees. I will pay the remainder.
We have reached an utter stalemate, to the point that our whole relationship has deteriorated. I don't see why our DS's should have to change school just because of some issue DP has with private schools (and he's a bloody Tory voter...) that he can't even explain to me beyond saying "I just don't agree with them".
DP says that I have control issues. There is a lot about him that I love, but his issues are far deeper than this. We both work full time in the public sector, I am slightly more senior (and earn more) than him. I do the majority of the childcare, housework, general day to day organisation, although at his instigation we have an au pair (his idea, but I had to manage it all) which is a great help. We have a small mortage on a lovely house, nice holidays, good friends...
I know he had a pretty miserable childhood. His siblings between them have multiple marriages and children, as does his mother. His father is dead, although he had no contact after he was 5. He is on a low dose AD. I suspect he feels guilty. He never feels contented...always looking for a different job/house/car. I think the school thing is a red herring, not sure where to go from here. He suggested counselling, which I agreed to, on the condition that he organised it. He has done nothing about it.

I won a scholarship to a very good private school.... having gone to state school all my life until then. So I've seen it from both sides and actually I think a good state school (note : good) is on a par with a private school. Certainly in more rural areas especially. So it is a complex issue and not one with a straight answer necessarily.

However, I don't think it's fair to have one child at one and one at another which is why I think your dh is being unfair just applying for state school for your ds 2. I know some would disagree but if your ds 1 is settled and happy then for me it makes sense to keep them both at that school as long as you are absolutely sure you can afford it.

Do you think your dh resents your parents financial input?

So is he planning to send ds2 to state but keep ds1 where he is? Or is a place available for your oldest ds too?
I agree it's part if the larger issue and his feelings of inferiority. If your ds1 is happy then push the point that moving him is not such a good idea, meanwhile keep a place there for your ds2 while you arrange counselling and work through the issues.

And if they're at different schools who is going to take them?

Have to say I don't agree with the principle either - but agree with other posters, having two kids go to two schools (one state, one private) makes little sense. It could end up like Blood Brothers .

Hope you manage to talk about it properly with DH - sounds like you haven't really been heard out on this one.

Good luck x

I think your DHs issues are so deep, they can't easily bee sorted on an internet forum.

He sounds to me very much like someone I know. Always looking for something new/better, but never believing he deserves what he has. (Which doesn't make any sense to me

Until I got to the last bit of the OP, I thought the issue was financial, but I think this is much, much deeper. I think you first need to focus on getting to counselling, before dealing with the school issue.

Given that the offer date is looming, it seems to me that you need t to resolve this. It is deeply unfair that DS2 should go to state school, and DS1 to private school. When did he propose to move DS1, or has HE not made that decision yet?

And the logistics of having children at 2 different schools are horrid - different drop off/pick up times, different activities/sports/clubs/hobbies/parties and worst of all, different term and holiday dates.

As he was previously not very interested in the DC's schooling, he can hardly a) complain now about where they go and b) unilaterally decide that one (mind you, one!) should move school. Either it's a joint decision for both DC to move, or it doesn't happen. Fair's fair.

As a primary school teacher in a state school who has been privately educated, I say stick to your guns. As much as I hate to say it, private education offers much more opportunity for your DCs to thrive. I find it so hard to give all 30 chn. in my class the attention they need/deserve. A 14 max class is much better and if you can afford it, keep your DCs where they are.
I hope you & your DP can sort this out. Good luck x

Thanks for your replies...a couple of things I should add. He wants DS1 to change school as well. He doesn't seem to care where, as long as it's a state school. Secondly, over the past three years, he has inherited quite a bit of money. When my parents gave me a chunk of money, I immediately paid off some of the mortgage. I haven't seen a penny of the money he inherited. He has also been left a share of a property in trust...not massive sums, but a few years salary in one go! And he's not always looking for better - if he had his way he would have an older car (a current obsession), a smaller house etc etc. He sold his iPhone last year and now uses an ancient nokia.
Underneath it all he's a really nice person...incredibly loyal, a good dad, very loving. He's got a great set of friends who stick by each other, but even they are despairing. I'm trying so hard to be supportive as I think he clearly has some very complex mental health issues going on here...but I am being worn out by it.

Here's a question - can he make them move? Or can you make them stay?

I understand that while the school issue is the present "fire" it's a symptom of something much deeper and I definitely think counseling is a go.

In relation to schooling, he HAD no strong opinions, and now he does and he expects you to just go with what he wants. Unless the situation is broken in some way (can't afford it anymore, moving away, bullying etc), I see no reason to change it. Switching schools is not fun, and having the kids at different schools makes no sense.

Saving money WOULD be good, but it's not about that. Unless he can show educational or extracurricular reasons for switching schools then he's not doing what's best for the kids and that's not on.

MezleyM - I wonder if you can talk to DH about moving at secondary level, why now? Moving DS1 to any school that has a space would seem a bit unfair on him, uprooting him for the sake of it. You could do some investigation into schools that have spaces, if it is not the same that DS2 is allocated would it be logistically possible? My dream is to have my DC at same school its a pain them being in different ones.

I do feel for you; if you have the ability to go private and the DC are thriving it does feel a bit of an odd decision, one must wonder what is really driving it..

Good luck

Have you been to have a look at the state school your DH has applied to? Have you asked whether there is a (theoretical at the moment) place available for DS1 too?

If not, it could really help you to know more about the school. If it is as good as the school you currently pay for, then you have a tougher decision on your hands - but - it may be that it is a school you wouldn't find suitable for other reasons (i.e. not just because it means an unnecessary change), in which case your mind would be entirely set on keeping your DSs where they are. I also would not want to move DS2 if DS1 could not go to the same school (unless out of financial need), as it would just make drop off & collection so much more awkward.

And, BTW, "a few years salary in one go" IS a hugely "massive sum"!

State/private is the only issue that DP and I will always argue to stalemate, too. I was private-, he was state-educated. We both hated our school years.

If the children are happy where they are, leave them there. Not fair to uproot them because of a bee in their father's bonnet, especially without taking care that they both end up in the same school.

(I'm sure you've already used this argument, but if you move them, you're then occupying two state-school places that others might have a far, far greater need for.)

Mine go private, funded by grandparents, and while I have superficial issues about trying to relate to people with multiple homes and three skiing holidays a year, I've only recently worked out why the situation makes me deeply unhappy. It feels like the decision/choice is out of our hands, like it's still being under the control of the older generation. I'd prefer to be independent and I'm not. Financial input will do that. I'm supposed to feel grateful, everyone says I'd be crazy to say no to the money, but I feel dependent and frustrated and resentful, esp. as my relationship isn't great with who the money is coming from. But that's it; that's my issue. The children are happy there. The issue is something I have to lay to rest in my head.

I hope you find out what this is really about for your husband. It is a tip of an iceberg, almost certainly. Let him rant about it until one of you gets to the bottom of it.