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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Final decision needed, should I stay?

17 replies

chillthefXXkout · 15/04/2014 16:24

I've been with my boyfriend for 15 months and living together for 9 months. He is 33 I am 30. I need to make a decision as to whether I stay or not.

I have repeatedly talked to him about the fact that I need some reassurance from him, and also some feedback. I feel like he is hedging his bets with me and that if he can't make the decision that I am worth committing to then we have no future.

A few weeks ago an ex work colleague texted him out of the blue asking if he wanted to go to a gig with him - they haven't been in touch for a year. He asked me if it was ok as she only had one spare ticket. He had previously told me he fancied her but 'she was in a relationship' so nothing happened. She is now single. I explained that he can absolutely be friends with her and meet up, if I go along as well. Anyway, he didn't go - I explained why I would have had a problem with it. I noted to myself that I would be naive to think that it would all disappear, so last night I asked him if he was planning to meet her for a drink, as he suggested in his texts to her. He told me he emailed her 3 weeks ago but she hasn't replied. In a nutshell, my problem isn't with her - it's with his curiosity in her. His ego was flattered by her getting in touch, and he said to me last night that 'he does want to know if her getting in touch with him means anything'.

I feel like he has unfinished business with himself. No matter how calmly and rationally I talk to him, he doesn't seem to acknowledge what I need. I've made it clear that I want a committed partnership leading to marriage and children. Last night was awful, we can't have any more strained conversations with no resolution - I need to do something. How should I proceed? It's not as simple as LTB as I love him and we do work well together day to day. Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/04/2014 16:34

15 months and you're having this crap, seriously, he wonders what your point is.....? He's definitely hedging his bets, you're not going to get what you want from him, he doesn't sound to me like he wants to commit at all to you.

He won't acknowledge what you need cos it's not coinciding with his needs.

mansize · 15/04/2014 16:38

he does want to know if her getting in touch with him means anything

Lovely. I think you should ditch this charmer. Spare yourself the grief of watching his cock wander. He likes this woman and it sounds like he intends to move in.

Original poster

chillthefXXkout · 15/04/2014 16:40

Thanks Jan45 for replying, he said last night that even 'if he was with Scarlett Johannsson he would hedge his bets'.

He is fully committed to buying a house with me (50/50) but I feel that it's because he wants a house, not necessarily build a home with me...

OP posts:

Original poster

chillthefXXkout · 15/04/2014 16:41

mansize- I know. But I've called him on it... my concern is less his cock wandering. It's more my feeling of insecurity and concern that that might happen.

OP posts:

mansize · 15/04/2014 16:41

...and what exactly do you see in him??

TheLastNameLeft · 15/04/2014 16:44

I wouldn't stay in this, sorry.
Leave him to it and find someone who cares for you equally

WhoNickedMyName · 15/04/2014 16:44

He wants to know if her getting in touch with him means anything? I'd have kicked his arse out the door the minute those words left his mouth.

And if it does... Mean something... What then?

So you're basically waiting to see if she wants him, and if she doesn't then you're hanging around, willing to be the consolation prize?

Original poster

chillthefXXkout · 15/04/2014 16:44

mansize - I'm obviously posting the negative on here. He has lots of good qualities BUT there are problems and I'm looking for a bit of advice hence my post.

OP posts:

mansize · 15/04/2014 16:46

You can't reign him in and keep him in a box. If he wants to meet her, he will. With or without you. Do you really want to be worrying about that? He is making it clear that this woman comes first.

Do you really think this man would make a good father? Sorry OP, but you're 30 and if you want children you really ought to start thinking about it now. He sounds like a child himself.

hookedonchoc · 15/04/2014 16:47

I'm sorry to say it sounds like he doesn't see you as "the one".

Jan45 · 15/04/2014 16:49

There should be no problems at 15 months, there should be nothing but romance and compliments.

Olddear · 15/04/2014 16:55

He is hedging his bets. He's looking over your shoulder all the time to see if someone 'better' has walked in. Wondering if this girl getting in touch means anything??? Tell him yes, it does. It means you can take your stuff and go.

ThePriory · 15/04/2014 19:18

If this is how he is already, it's not looking good. The first year or 2 of a relationship is the dreamy-eyed lovey, surely.

And I cannot believe he would actually say 'if he was with Scarlett Johannsson he would hedge his bets' to you! That is completely disrespectful and shows he has no interest in being monogamous to you or anyone.

Your instincts already say he's only interested in the house for the property, not a home with you, the whole thing sounds 'user'.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2014 19:22

You deserve so much more than this. Ditch.

whitsernam · 15/04/2014 19:23

he said last night that even 'if he was with Scarlett Johannsson he would hedge his bets'. This just jumps out at me! He sounds like someone who does not want to commit to anyone, ever. Would rather have his cake and eat it, too.... I predict a world of hurt if you stay with him.

elastamum · 15/04/2014 19:25

Bin him. He will never make you happy.

lightningstrikes · 15/04/2014 21:54

I don't often post in relationships, but this struck a cord with me. You are in the beginnings of a relationship. This should be the very best time. I know exactly the feeling you are describing, been there. IMO cut your loses with this one, it isn't worth it. Maybe he'll come back to you, but you don't need someone who is hedging their bets. Marriage is hard and you'll never make it through with someone who already has one foot out the door looking for a better option.

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