Out of the blue contact

[CookieDoughKid]

Posted before but deleted to make this new post shorter.

Has anyone experienced non-contact with a family member for a very long number of years and then discovered he/she was on their death bed or died? How did you feel? Did you feel regretful? Do you wish you could have turned back time and tried again? Or was the issue in the first place non-resolvable that there was no resolution? Did you get to go to their funeral? Was you welcomed? Did you see this person one more time and did it help?

I'm asking because my dh has gone nc with his real dad and his dad keeps asking why. His dad does know the why. The issue is still there. Unresolvable. Dh said he would be regretful if he didn't speak to his dad next 30 years and he discovered his dad was dying or dead.

We are not sure what to think, it's just that we know for now - we are happy where we are (non-contact). Thank you.

I have experienced this recently. I went NC with my emotionally abusive, highly dysfunctional parents about 6 years ago. Best thing I ever did!

I found out recently that my mother died (but my father never bothered to get in touch to tell me). My father recently tried to contact me in a bizarre, impersonal and roundabout way, nearly a year after her death. So obviously I never went to her funeral.

It wasn't a shock that she had died, I had mentally prepared for this situation. I am trying to be open to feelings of grief, but I don't really feel anything - I hope she was not in pain or unhappy at the time of her death (ie I feel compassion) but I do actually feel relieved that she has died. It closes a chapter on a very painful part of my life. I have not responded to my father's attempts to contact me, as they show no indication he has changed or wants to interact with me in an honest and open way.

Perhaps I will look back, in time, and identify some period of grieving, but to be honest it hasn't affected me at all. All it's done is confirm in my mind I did the right thing by going NC. My life is brilliant now.

My mum was NC with her mum for 35 years. She did not have a good childhood and wanted to protect me when I was born. She didn't regret the NC but when her mum was within months of end of life mum went to see her. She was then glad she had. She saw her mum as the weak and powerless old woman she was and was therefore able to confront the a use she'd faced as a child, reason it out a little and be accepting of what she wasn't able to change.

Her mum later died with her and my mum making peace. My mum has been more at peace with the world ever since.

She was right to go no contact, she was right to make peace before her mum passed away.

I never met my 'nan'. She did write to me years ago through my dad but I discussed it with him and then went to speak to my mum who was very rational and calm. I saw no reason to make contact. It wasn't through hatred of what she did to my mum, it was simply because I knew the woman was mentally fragile and I'm not great at regular contact so there was a danger of her placing greater importance on me than I would of her. I don't regret never having met her but my mum did the right thing in NC and then making peace at the end.

Sorry OP only just reread.

I've no idea why my father couldn't move on to mend our relationship. Now I have my own child I understand it even less.