Scared my husband is having another emotional affair.

[Frustratedlady]

I have bipolar last time I was on a severe depressive episode my d?h had a emotional affair. Well since then and before it he has refused to have any friends even though I have encouraged him too but he just wasn't interested.

Fast forward I am on a extreme psychotic depressive episode again and he has found a female friend. He messages her about 6 times a day or so he says and he talks on the phone for about one to two hours a week.

I am very paranoid ATM so would appreciate some advice as to whether I'm being paranoid. I'd welcome being told that it's lonely being with someone who is depressed and that's why he has a sudden need for friendship.

I have discussed this with him but he says I'm being paranoid that there is nothing going on and he will not stop a friendship because of my paranoia even though I haven't actually asked him to. He says if I behave so paranoid he will end up being secretive and that is dangerous.

Well as I am psychotic and paranoid I really don't know what to think. Please tell me I'm being paranoid.

Oh dear, this all sounds awful.be good to hear his POV though, and I don't mean that as a nasty comment against you OP at all, but living with someone who suffers from diagnosed paranoia is very hard. I know this from experience.
You say he tried to kick the bathroom door in...when you were taking an overdose. That's what I would do if it were my dh in there trying to kill himself too!
My dh has tried,and succeeded at times, in wrecking platonic friendships I have had with other men because of his paranoia and accusations.
Its a horrible situation for all concerned. Hope you guys can work it out one way or another

Hi OP. I have bipolar disorder too and I've had psychotic episodes in the past so lots of sympathy from me.
I have had a partner who took advantage of the fact that I have a mental illness and used it to discredit everything I said and felt. He constantly told me that what I was feeling was due to my illness. It had a devastating effect on me and it took a very long time to recover. Based on what you've said, I think you need to get away from him, at least for a little while. Good luck to you and I hope you feel much better very soon.

You don't need to speak to him, OP, you need to spend some time with your mental health team. They actually are on your side, after all!

Your mum did the right thing in sending you to bed. You need to rest and to feel safe, it can only help you. It's hardly surprising that you forgot some stuff this morning - that can all be sorted out and doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Have a peaceful Easter weekend.

OP, I have had a lot of close experience of MH issues and reading this thread I would say that he has more issues than you do. You sound intelligent, tempered and measured in your approach to this whereas he sounds like a gaslighting cruel person that is using your own self doubt as an excuse for piss poor behaviour and as a mighty club to beat you with. Please get away from him, forever even if for a short while to find an even keel, breathing space and a sense of self that seems to me to be only just below the surface and more than able to come blinking into the sunshine. He sounds like a total turd of a person and responsible for a fair portion of your problems I would say. I hope your Mum helps you to 'see' this situation for what it looks like to the likes of me and others on here. Good luck.

Thanks everyone.

Some men seek out women who are vulnerable eg unwell or recently out of an abusive relationship. These men get off on hurting, controlling and abusing women - not just because seeing the woman in distress thrills them but also because they enjoy being the saintly martyr who puts up with the 'mad cow' of a partner.

You will feel better when you're away from him and getting proper help. But it's also a good idea to put the whole idea of romantic relationships on one side for the moment and take care of yourself and your DC.

Thanks solidgoldbrass. I am afraid I have been targeted because I'm vulnerable.

Dementedma his perspective is I wrote a post on another forum exactly the same he kicked off cus he said I was wrong about the frequency of phone calls and that it was once a week not once to twice and that they don't just talk about my mental illness they talk about writing and spreadsheets too.

He also claims me to be abusive in wanting him to end the friendship and that I am deliberately isolating him in order to be abusive. That I am wrecking a platonic friendship and the reason he has been secretive and lied to me (discovered they have also been chatting on FB but all messages are deleted) and he didn't tell me about the friendship for months until after they started speaking on the phone is because he knew if react this way. Yet I set up a FB account for him to get in contact with two female friends from college. However then he showed me the messages not because I asked he just read them out to me but he never rekindled the friendships other than the odd message on FB.

He after I left he deleted all ways of contacting her except the FB friends things and says he is not deleting her there but will not go on FB anymore. The reason he says he is doing that is because he believes I am only acting this way because of my illness. He believes when I am better I will come round. When he deleted the friendship for the first time in ten years he cried and told me if it was just me and him and not the kids he would not be doing this.

I allowed them to say goodbye which took two hours at which point he read out one or two of her comments. The comments he read out were her and him calling me abusive and her begging him not to leave her for this abusive person.

So that's when I tried to commit suicide because my mind is so twisted right now from one extreme to the other I don't know if he was being abusive, just found depression difficult to cope with, was doing nothing wrong or I'm abusive. The thought that I'm abusive and I am wrong and just acting out of my illness is what made me wanna commit suicide. Yet confused because as I said in ten years of being together I have never seen him cry not even when our daughter was diagnosed as having severe special needs. Not even when on a episode I walked out and left him. Plus the fact that he said he would have choose this platonic friendship of 4 months he said over our ten year relationship. He also said to me while nothing sexual is going on she replaced me as best friend. A few months ago just before he started speaking to her he actually said he was considering starting a emotional affair as last time he did when I was depressed it made me start paying more attention to him.

Obviously I can't give you his true account but I swear that is what he has said to me and his pov based on what he has said and done as true as I can give it.

Oh and he said if I leave he will restart the friendship. Which hurt but I'm not sure why I mean if I leave he is at perfect liberty to do as he pleases so think I may be unreasonable to get hurt by that one. I guess I just didn't see the purpose of informing me of that except to cause pain and it hurt that he wants to hurt me.

He sounds very manipulative and selfish - his life is a big drama of which he is the star and you are a plot point. Honestly, get away from him and allow yourself time to recover.

OP - it's not you or your fault - it his him. Please do get away and get yourself better. You deserve so much more.

he said if I leave he will restart the friendship.

Well duh - of course he will. So what? Does he imagine he is such a prize that you'd stay purely to keep someone else from 'having' him?

His reading out of his TWO HOUR farewell convo with his friend is bizarre. Of course, you have only his word for it that she was describing you as abusive, but this is simply not how a friend would react to being asked to cool it because of a mental health crisis in the friend's spouse -> her begging him not to leave her for this abusive person. How could he 'leave' her? They're not together (either physically or by his account emotionally)

As for this: A few months ago just before he started speaking to her he actually said he was considering starting a emotional affair as last time he did when I was depressed it made me start paying more attention to him.

There you go - he's admitted he does it on purpose to bring you to heel. What a prize.