positive new start

[newstartforme]

Hi,
not sure I am in the right place but need advice and a positive perspective.
I recently left a long term partner. My choice but I think I had good reason as he was never going to change. History of drinking daily! he had the outlook that he wasnt falling around drunk and managed to keep a job and it was me who had the problem.. Problem for me being that I truly never saw him totally sober needless to say this impacted on every aspect of our relationship. No sex or close contact etc.
He has made me feel like I am the one who has given in. He has forgotten the crying and pleading I have done to get him to make even small changes. For example he said he would stop drinking during the week and then I foud him in a carpark with his phone and a bottle of wine. I just couldnt see this changing. But still he is playing the victim. It was probably the scariest thing I have ever done to actualy leave and go it alone. Im not exactly surrounded by support. But I tend to just get on with it all. Im not sure what he has told his parents but feel as if they are bemused as to why I have left!
To be honest I wish I never had to deal with him again but I will have to as we have a dd. The alarm bells were ringing for me when dd was one I should have gone then but I was desperate to try and make it work.
I am far from perfect and have faults of course but I think he is of the mentality that all was fine when I was accepting of everything but no way was he ever going to change.
Anyway I got out and got a place that I am renting privately whilst he stayed in our bought home- refused to go. House not selling so hopefully it will be rented very soon.
Just need someone to say yes you did do the right thing for in the long run as its quite scary being on my own and everywhere I look all I see our secure little familes.
Any one any experience of this or advice?
Thankyou in advance x

Of course you did the right thing. What's more, you've been extremely courageous because it's really not an easy path to take, rejecting an addict. I've been on the receiving end of an alcohol abuser and recognise only too well the guilt-tripping, the blaming, the bullying & the supreme selfishness you describe. Sadly, I never had your courage, chose to stick around and was very damaged by the whole thing.

I'm not sorry you have a DD but I'm sorry you have to remain in contact. So much easier when you can consign them to the past but, nevertheless, well done for taking control & choosing a better life.

BTW... I'm sure, if his parents are mystified, you looked like a 'secure little family' to the casual observer. What goes on behind closed doors can be anything at all.

Good luck

Thanks for that Cognito.
It just that to the outside world he gave the best of himself as we all do.
I had the aggression, selfishness, lack of interest in normal family life.
When we went on holiday he always bought a bottle of vodka most days!
Yet this same man could get up early for work!
I think he showed me the worst of himself.
Oh and he said he ex never said a word re his daily drinking- she was 15 years younger though.

If all you ever see is a drunk, that'll be all his parents will ever see too. Hopefully they'll be wise enough to acknowledge that you shouldn't have to put up with that, unless there's a family pattern of behaviour.

It can be lonely being a LP when everyone around you seems to be in a happy, secure, two-parent family. Sometimes those situations are not as rosy as they look and you may find that in time, you're envied for your courage and independence.

I remember telling a mum I vaguely knew through school that I had just separated and her instant response was "my God, what a relief!" I'd never have expected that from the little I knew of her family.

You know, when my alcohol-abusing, emotionally-abusive but also functioning, charming exH left me for an OW, one thing I remember him saying about her was 'she doesn't mind (the drinking)'. :) It's such a self-centred little bubble addicts live in. Constantly lying or justifying their crappy behaviour as acceptable and ... as you said earlier.... trying to make out that it's everyone else (you) with the problem. If you're not agreeing with their internal narrative, you're being unreasonable.

It won't stop you missing him, feeling nostalgic and it won't stop you wondering if everything would have been OK without the booze ... but give it a while for the raw emotion to subside and you'll have no regrets.

Thats the thing though( what) he didnt go staggering around drunk. He would just get some wine at 12 ish and sit on the sofa and drink.. he would fall asleep and have no inclination to go to the park, do diy, get food shopping - all my jobs. But he honestly thought that was normal and okay.
As long as he didnt hit me and he went out to work I was the one with the problem!

In my exH's case it was scotch on top of wine. Also not a staggering drunk. Also thought it was OK (Dad was an alcoholic). He'd stay wide awake (worst luck) but become very morose, belligerent and amorous. Not a good combination . Many years later I saw a TV Drama in which the main character behaved the exact same way and I was shocked at my reaction.

It wasn't my problem and it wasn't your problem clearly. These people make bad choices, are very damaged by those choices, and it's really not our responsibility to tolerate them or fix them.

Yes, but now you're rid of him and his self-destructive behaviour, you can start to distance yourself and as that happens you'll start to feel stronger and more positive about your decision.

I can't imagine bringing up a child in an environment like that, the cruelty to you and the aggression and selfishness would be just too much to go through. Your child would be witnessing that every day.

Be in no doubt that you have done the right thing.