Do platonic couples work?

[WhatALoadOfLotusSpread]

NC for obvious reasons; this may be long, I apologise.

There is a LOT of background to this. MIL is a narc, FIL and SIL enablers, BIL I don't know what's going on with him. But basically I haven't been treated very nicely by PIL since just before DD was born, two years ago. I've struggled with PND and am now, hopefully, coming out of it. I hated 'D'H for being incapable of standing up for me and DD. But now I have almost no feelings about him. I care about him, but I'm not in love with him. He says that he cares about me, and that we work as parents but not as husband and wife.

He's starting to get help with how to deal with PIL, but each time he gets a guilt tripping message or DD spends time with my DM he takes it out on me. He's not abusive. But he gets very moody and withdrawn; and I hate the atmosphere that it creates. I'm a SAHM if that makes any difference.
We've both said this weekend that we're working well as parents - apart from when he takes things out on me. By his own admission he's angry and frustrated about the situation, but has said that I'm not to blame. In December after 18 months of this awful situation with PIL, DH and I went to see FIL, who made a big song and dance about writing things down so that they could "understand" as they did things differently and the ball was left in their court. I've heard nothing back, zilch. They also haven't said anything to DH. It doesn't matter as it's me, not them. I'm not willing to pretend that nothing has happened, that what should have been the happiest time of my life has turned into the most bittersweet. They very obviously have no respect for me, and therefore in turn have none for DH.

Anyway, that's a 'brief' bit of the situation. What I'm wondering is if people have successfully stayed as a platonic couple to raise their child? We're friends, and there's no shouting etc, just the atmosphere when he blames me. However that should start to go with counselling. I have no libido at all. I sustained quite a lot of damage, and to be honest don't find DH attractive at the moment. I'm not going to sleep with someone who's added to the situation. So I think that my lack of libido is understandable.

What I don't know is if he gets himself sorted we may be ok. I'm unsure of throwing everything away when there may be a chance that it'll work out.
This is all such a jumble, I'm sorry. I just have so many things going around my head at the moment. I just want a happy home, a happy life and a loving relationship. I'm scared of being alone, I know that sounds pathetic, but I want DD to have what I didn't have in childhood - seeing a loving relationship between parents. I've been madly, deeply and utterly in love but he was killed. I met DH about a year later, and he's understanding of how much the other man means to me. I'm wondering if you only ever have one true soulmate. DD has filled the hole left in me by his passing, in a way that no-one else could ever do. I'm incredibly grateful that DH and I made this wonderful child, and that he gave me her. But I don't want to be in a loveless marriage. I want to be cherished and adored, I know that makes me seem selfish but I haven't felt special for a long time now. I want to love someone who loves me back.

This is a huge mess isn't it?

I think you're clinging onto a very faint chance of a personality change, and the danger is that you could wake up in 20 years time and find that you've wasted the best years of your life on someone that really wasn't worth it. Zero affection, 'moody' atmosphere and being blamed when something goes wrong is no life. It is not selfish in the slightest to want some affection and tenderness from your partner. It's basic self-respect. You can't be friends, platonic or otherwise, with someone that doesn't like you.

Your DD will see right through it if you try to fake a loving relationship. Suggest you take some steps to boost your very low confidence, get some professional advice on what happens in the event of a split and talk to your own friends and family rather than having your time monopolised by his.

''you could wake up in 20 years time and find that you've wasted the best years of your life on someone that really wasn't worth it.'

... like i did. (Except it was 15 years. And luckily i was still young enough to start over).

Please don't settle and hope for the best like this. Not fair on either of you.

I think it possible that he could sort the issues out , many do. The thing is , would you ever be able to forgive him ?

I dispute the fact he's not behaving abusiveley when he takes issues with his family out on you. I bet he doesn't take it out on people at work. I don't think it matters that he says he doesn't blame you , by taking it out on you he's punishing you and showing that actually , he does blame you.

I don't think it will work without serious change. Perhaps when divorce is on the table , he might realize that you should have always come first.

He says that he cares about me, and that we work as parents
then
he gets very moody and withdrawn
and
We're friends, and there's no shouting etc

Somehow to me it doesn't add up,
People who are friends aren't moody at each other - you would ditch a friend who was abusive towards you.

I think however hard it seems to imagine now, once you live apart you are going to be happier and won't be affected by his moods as much.

I used to say to my ex - "you wouldn't act this way towards people you work with you. Who gave you the right to be disrespectful towards me"
once you realise that you can expect all that change of attitude and more you are going to know you can't stay with him not doing it

Thank you all, if it wasn't for DD it'd be an easy choice, its harder for all of the guilt that I'm heaping upon myself. He's a good man, apart from his family issues! I suppose that's also what makes it hard, that without them we'd be ok. I gave up my job, have no savings and no degree so worry about providing for DD. I'm beginning to feel more like myself rather than a walking milkbar! I'll look at ways to get my confidence up. DM tries to help but reminds me that I don't have anything for DD apart from myself, which doesn't help.

I've been a lone parent since DS was born 14 years ago. One thing I have observed is that, when there is no fall-back, it's amazing how resourceful you become. When the buck stops with you and you can't pass it to a partner, you find ways to provide. Jobs, savings and even degrees can be acquired. So can a loving partner worthy of your affections. Sometimes the best way to get confidence is to take the plunge and challenge yourself. Stay with someone determined to drag you down and your confidence will bump along the bottom.

His 'issues' are who he is and who he is likely to remain. Wishing them away achieves nothing useful. Suggest you don't rely too heavily on DM for life-coaching advice...

DM is trying to be helpful but being SAHM is hard to imagine how you can pick yourself up and imagine that you can do it.

My ex is a 'good man' yes he selfish at the same time. Putting the distance of separation means I don't have to be exposed to it.

I think you guys need to go to counselling and work out some strategies for moving forward and possibly saving the marriage . That included boundaries with your in laws and behaviour.

These need to be made very clear and stuck to. If he is unwilling to do that then you don't have a marriage.

In fact you may not even want to in the end. But you will be living a half life if it continues.

I think that I was grasping at straws thinking of a platonic relationship with him. Regardless of our marriage he needs to get himself sorted out, as DD's welfare should come first, at the moment MIL/PIL trump anything and everyone!
This week I've started to take a bit more care over myself and I'm feeling much better. My DM is fiercely protective of DD (not overbearingly so) so I think that her comments were out of concern for DD. I have actually got a lot to offer her.
Couple's counselling needs to come after his counselling as the problems have been caused by his parents and his reactions to them. DM has suggested that she looks after DD so that we can go on a date, but I don't really have any interest in doing that, which speaks volumes to me.

If you can see yourself and your DH remaining friends, then you're in a great position to co-parent as a separated couple. I know it's not what you wanted for your DD, but staying together for her sake could make for an unhappy, strained home atmosphere in the long run, and won't necessarily model to her what a loving relationship is.

My DP and his ex split up when their DS was only a year old. They remained friends, and 8 years later they have both got new partners (I'm DP's!). The fact that they have remained friends counts for a lot, it means they continue to co-parent their DS and can have really flexible contact arrangements, both go to school parents evenings/school plays etc together etc. DSS knows that his parents get on and communicate, so he doesn't play up in one home or the other, and is a very well adjusted little boy. He has great relationships with his siblings, step siblings and step parents.

I think that there is so much more love and happiness in this situation than there would be if DP and his ex had stayed together for the sake of DSS. I was the child of parents who didn't get on and stayed together for my sake, and it didn't make for a happy atmosphere most of the time.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through with your ILs, it sounds hideous. I hope you find the best way forward for you and your DD.