How do you even start to leave someone?

[dawningrealisation]

I really think that it's time to leave DH.

I've considered it lots of times. There's no communication, he doesn't give me any affection and I don't think he shows much to the DC either.

I don't want him to be sad.

I'm scared, terrified of what will happen (not physically scared of him).

I don't know how to start the conversations. I don't know practically what to do.

I'm having counselling about my own issues. Should I talk to her about this? DH will think/ say it's all in my head. The problems are all in my head.

We just had a holiday with family where he basically spent the whole week on the computer/ phone/ game - hardly any interaction with anyone. I always, always put this sort if thing (pretty constant) down to him needing down time etc. If I address it, he says that I can do whatever I want too.

I'm not happy. But again, always put that down to crap mental health.

I have absolutely nobody to talk to about this in RL. I'm ashamed to talk to family and don't ever get enough time with the right friends.

We're on holiday from work at the moment and it just seems like a long week stretching out ahead, with me doing lots of childcare and chores.

Sorry for long, boring miserable rant.

Probably the best place to start is to talk to your DH. As calmly and factually as you can and, as I put it, 'more in sorrow than in anger'. You have to outline the problem clearly, explain how it is making you feel, explain what you'd like to change and - very important - the consequences of no change.

Problem.... Spending the entire family holiday with you on various devices
Effect ..... makes me feel ignored, neglected, taken for granted and unloved.

Change required .... I'd like us to communicate better, work as a team, and do more things together as a couple. (Or whatever it is you'd like) Be specific and keep it to just a couple of points.

Consequences ... this is so serious that it's making me question whether we have a future together as a couple

Finally you finish with 'action'... and this is where the ball should be put firmly in his court. In this case, 'what are you going to do differently to improve our communication and connection?'

If he tries to fob you off, blame your MH issues and/or doesn't take you seriously then you follow through with the consequences.

In addition to what Cogito said, everyone will be sad if you separate. Of course he would, but that shouldn't be your main concern. It should be yourself, your mental health and your children. Your children need a happy mother.

It feels a bit like gaslighting from his part, tbh. Why should it be your perception? It's not your imagination he spends all his time on the computer, is it?

Stop doubting yourself and look more as to how he's manipulating the situation.

And one way would be to go and do what you want. Take a day off and leave him with the children. It might just add to his wake up call.
Or not, in which case do what is best for you. Not him.

Incidentally, I don't know what your MH issues are but I am willing to bet that living with a cold fish who ridicules you if you voice any objections is making them worse rather than better. You my not want him to be sad but he is not extending you the same courtesy

I can't work out whether it's years of me being unable to communicate, or whether it's years of him stopping me from communicating. I can barely communicate with anyone anymore, hence the counselling (childhood issues that need working through).

I don't want this to be the DCs model of relationships and life in general.

But I still feel I should be putting up with it and trying to make it better myslelf. Every little thing that goes right makes me doubt myself and think it could all be fine.

I know I need to start talking. But when and where? There is no space.

You mention being 'ashamed' to talk to family. That's a significant word to use. Do you think they would be unsupportive of you? And why do you get so little time with friends? Is it because you're chained to the kitchen sink, as it were?

I've had this conversation with you before, cogito. Two years ago when I was pregnant with DS. I can't bear to reread the thread now (have been on MN under a NC since).

My DM would definitely think I should try harder. That it would be awful for the children etc etc.

I just feel so locked inside my own head, that I really can't tell how real this all is. But when I think of a future without him, it's definitely happier. But I want to make the future we would have together happier too. I know I can't change DH. Oh, I sound so unhinged.

You don't sound at all unhinged. :) It's a very serious, life-changing dilemma that you're facing and it deserves careful thought and consideration. It's all very well people like your DM saying 'try harder' but they're not in your skin, living your life, miserably being rejected, ignored or told they're not right in the head.... If your DH is being a cold fish and preferring to have you questioning your sanity than spend time on a family holiday having a conversation then no amount of 'trying' on your part is going to change a damn thing.

Put it this way, if you'd gone on a holiday with a girlfriend and they'd behaved the same way as your DH would you think there was something wrong with you, or that they were an ignorant pig?

If thinking of a future without him makes you happier then make it your goal. Get information from whoever you need (solicitors, CAB, etc) on your rights and responsibilities, assume you'd get no support from your parents, confide in a good friend and then tell him you'd like a separation. It could be temporary rather than permanent, Doesn't have to be divorce necessarily. i.e You can take it as fast or as slow as you like.

I think there is nothing more unsettling than feeling that you are not in control of your own life. Start living it for you... not DM, not DH and not even DCs... and you are more likely to find peace of mind

You don't sound unhinged! Just a bit stuck, which is inevitable. There's no change or "movement" going on so you are just mulling over things, what could be, what could have been etc. Sounds like your DH has a gadget addiction going on plus possible intimacy avoidance (they go together well). Cogito gave some excellent advice re. tackling the communication problem. That will give you some clearer indications of what you should do. Good luck.

I think you actually got it.
You can't change him, particularly because he doesn't recognise there is a problem.
And you can't fix it by yourself, other than changing yourself and accepting the role he wants you to play.

Your mother's reaction is very common. We often put the onus on women to try and work at it. In many cases, it works because the men are good people and try to change too. It cannot work if the other part is not willing to even discuss it.

It looks like you are in the process of detaching and accepting that there is one one course of action for you to be happy.