About to start separation / divorce proceedings......terrified and very sad

[SamTeds]

After several years of trying to make a marriage work that just simply doesn't I am about to start the awful process of separation from my husband. We have 2 young children and the whole prospect is just so awful I am struggling to see how I am going to cope. I know people do and I guess I am just looking for words of support and advice. The thought of having to sit and tell the children what is happening and going through lawyers etc fills me with such dread but I know it has to be over. I can't keep going in a relationship just because I am scared to go through divorce.

How old are your children? Mine were very young, three and one, and I told them (and five years on still tell them) basics as they ask. Reassurance that both parents love them and want them, but dont love or want each other anymore. Reassurance that you'd never stop loving or wanting them though.

Separation isn't easy. But sometimes there are glimmers of that happier life. Evenings may be lonely at first, but they're not hostile or fraught, you can breathe and relax and think only of you.

the children being with their father and not you is hard, especially when they stay away overnight. But you can start hobbies, evening classes, work, socialising, early nights. You fill your time and enjoy it, slowly.

Its not easy, but it is always worthwhile for your children long term to have happier parents apart than miserable ones together.

It's like eating an elephant, staring at the whole thing is terrifying and seems impossible but in reality you do it in chunks and it's ok. I can remember thinking was it worth divorcing, maybe it was easier to stay in a terrible marriage than try to separate our lives? It's laughable now to consider that, now my life is a million times happier and better. It's hard and there were times of despair but it was worth it for happy, settled home we have now. You can do it OP, there's a better life out there waiting for you, you've just got to make the first few steps towards it. Good luck.

I agree with the PP about taking it one step at a time. Personally I found the practical stuff - money, house, work, solicitors - quite absorbing and a good way to switch off being emotional for a while. Friends, family, being sociable and keeping busy also reduced the amount of time I had to 'wallow' and feel sorry for myself. So if you make the most of your good days to put one foot in front of the other and get a little closer to your goal, the bad days when you need to pull in your horns and look after yourself are manageable

Children will often react differently to what you expect. Good luck

It doesn't always have to awful and just something to be trudged through weighed down by your own guilt. Not at all.

Depending upon the reasons for your divorce & why your marriage doesn't work can play a large part. I was partly relieved, partly angry at him, partly afraid of him but happy to leave a rubbish marriage. It can be very liberating to start to regain your independence & not have to worry about what he wants & what he thinks & how this all affecting him.

Because I'm not a saint I found it also very satisfying when he discovered that the tracks he thought he'd hidden so well all came out into the open & he was finally unmasked & shown to be what he really was, rather than the front he presented to people.

One thing I remember vividly was going to see my lawyer for the very first time & realising that there was somebody on my side. There was somebody who would stand up for me & believe me & help me to not take his shit. I was so used to people saying that I had split the family up & that I was a bad mother for not keeping the family together etc etc that it was bloody wonderful to have my lawyer. I really hope its the same for you OP.

There are good & valid reasons why you are leaving him Samteds, keep hold of these & look forward to the future without him. You can do it, you can cope with all this & it will be surprisingly easy compared to the scenario that you're imagining. He may be difficult yes but get into the mindset of fuck him, its not all about him! Make yourself & your children your first priority (perhaps for years) & recognise that you are not responsible for his happiness or what he chooses to do from now on.

Grasp your future, you are carving it out for yourself & make it what you want it to be. Take little steps, don't get overwhelmed by the emotional hugeness of the concept of 'divorce' & just do what is required when its required.

Look forward to not living with him & not having to put up with him & the associated issues that are all to do with him! :) live for yourself :)