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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can he take my things??

22 replies

emptyhouse12 · 13/04/2014 21:55

Please can someone advise me on this? I'm really worried about what is going to happen next.

STBEX and I have been separated almost 2 years, he left to live with another woman and I packed everything up for him when he did.
A few months later he moved out into his own apartment and took what I would call everything that we had which was 'fancy'
Yes I was left with the house and things like appliances and furniture, tv's etc however we have young 2 DCS. He's also left me with this share of joint debt but that's another issue.

He's with someone else now and has just recently moved into quite a large house which I'm assuming will have lots of space.
Im really worried that he will now start to say he wants some of the stuff out of this house (still on mortgage and has keys although only paying 1/3 of mortgage and 1/3 of large joint secured loan) and peanuts maintenance.

Can he do this? He's said tonight he only took his stereo! And I was left everything which is complete lies so in his mind he's justification for coming and taking what he wants.

He earns a packet (self employed and not at all honest with taxman although difficult to prove) but this is clear in his wardrobe/car/general lifestyle and I'm on my arse in honesty and he knows this.

Can he, almost 2 years down the line, take things from my home as he pleases??

OP posts:

UncrushedParsley · 13/04/2014 22:05

No. Does he still have keys?

cozietoesie · 13/04/2014 22:16

Proof is not always easy after the event. Do you have any smaller valuable or sentimental things which might easily be boxed up and stored in - say - a good friend's garage until the divorce is actually through?

SolidGoldBrass · 13/04/2014 22:19

He hasn't lived in your home for two years so he shouldn't have a key. What's the state of play legally ie have you had legal advice on maintenance, etc? If not, get some now.

UncrushedParsley · 13/04/2014 22:19

Speak to your solicitor, but mine said most of this stuff would probably be allowed to remain with me, if there was any dispute, as dd was living with me. Cozie makes sense I think

Original poster

emptyhouse12 · 13/04/2014 22:23

He still has keys yes and sometimes comes to collect things for the children like shoes or extra clothes.
I hate this but he won't hand over his keys and tells me he still pays half the mortgage (he pays a 1/3) and I've been advised I can't change the locks.
The thing is I know if I stop him coming in totally he will stop paying and currently I can't afford him not to. Although if he did stop paying I'd think his income would mean he had to pay that amount more child maintenance anyway, but he says he is skint!

OP posts:

Original poster

emptyhouse12 · 13/04/2014 22:24

It's not that I have anything of value, it's things like the Tv and BBQ and other consumerables I think he wants to fill his new house.

OP posts:

Original poster

emptyhouse12 · 13/04/2014 22:29

All the legal advice I've received, all have said it's not straight forward as he is self employed. I can prove a few years back he didn't declare his true earning to inland revenue etc as his OW did his books after he left and she still has them ( he stung her quite badly also) but apparently I can't hand this information over, but have to pay the solicitors to investigate and find the same information themselves?? Doesn't sound right to me but basically he's saying he earns hardly anything, despite being so busy he has someone working for him on the side.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 13/04/2014 22:45

This is going to sound really mean.. Don't you ever get tempted to make an anonymous tip off to the Inland Revenue? With lots if details/ evidence. Just saying.

Original poster

emptyhouse12 · 13/04/2014 22:51

I have thought about it, but doubt they would be interested tbh. He's probably small fry in comparison and I think difficult to prove. The flip side of that also is - selfish of me I realise - that it would most definitely affect me in terms of any child support I would receive in the future as if he had a whopping tax bill to find, I'd be the first crossed off his list of payees.

OP posts:

Marcipex · 13/04/2014 22:57

Change the locks!

Marcipex · 13/04/2014 22:58

If you lost your keys you would have to change the locks.
Then just don't give him a new one.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 13/04/2014 23:01

Er, I think you need to take steps to prevent him from gaining entry tbh. Can you add an extra lock? A nice chubb that he doesn't have a key to?

cozietoesie · 13/04/2014 23:08

I've been in a semi-similar situation, OP. My recommendation would be to store safely anything you wouldn't like to actually lose (including jewellery and your family possessions, perhaps) and look at the rest as a lot of ££ signs.

Try to divorce emotion from it and that will help to clear your head on the matter. He's not your friend and he won't necessarily act with honour even though you would.

Oh - and if you get a chance, do a quick list of everything in the place (with quick photos of the significant things.)

makemineapinot · 13/04/2014 23:13

I've been in your situation. He was an arse and threatened me one night. Bingo! I emailed my solicitor saying how scared I was of him coming in at night that I wouldn't sleep and that due to my fears I was being forced to change the locks. Caught him a few days later kicking my front door in rage (dc were there) and I took a photo. He went mental but didn't do anything about it legally. So I was able to feel safe. My so,I victor did bring it up much later on and made the point that with him having access I had no privacy re court documents etc etc.
Aldo 2 years ago I grassed him up to inland revenue - they were very interested and I got a call asking for car reg, physical description etc. I asked if they were following him and they said yes! 3 weeks later I got £1000, followed by another 2 payments of the same amount due to missed court ordered maintenance! So IR contact the local courts as well and sort that out. I was skint but you know what, that money took us on holiday that year and it was fabulous! And paid for by him in missed maintenance from 4 years before!!! Even better!
Out yourself and dc first! You will not regret it.

makemineapinot · 13/04/2014 23:14

Your maintenance will not fe affected by a tax bill. Tough for him but hey, he deserves it!!!

makemineapinot · 13/04/2014 23:16

I also stirred all passports, birth cents etc and sentimental things at my friend's house - glad I did as he broke the lock of my filing cabinet! Came home one day to find it broken. Fortunately I'd cleared it out previously and had let dd (4) file her drawings etc in it!

makemineapinot · 13/04/2014 23:16

Scuse predictive text typos!

SolidGoldBrass · 13/04/2014 23:23

He doesn't get to choose to stop paying. He is not above the law. Change the locks - technically you shouldn't but by the time he's gone to all the bother of getting a court order to allow him re-entry you'll have had time to get one keeping him out on the grounds that he's abusive.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 13/04/2014 23:24

"If you lost your keys you would have to change the locks.
Then just don't give him a new one."

This.

Original poster

emptyhouse12 · 13/04/2014 23:40

I was thinking of changing the house alarm code and not mentioning it tbh. I would struggle to find the money to change the locks as ridiculous as that sounds, I have no money for extras at all.
I'm sure he's taken the key for the filing cabinet also as the spare has gone missing but I could have just hidden it well as I usually put it out of sight.
Re the IR, I don't want to cause him any aggro, nor do I wish him harm, he's irrelevant to me now.
I just want what's fair, but to be honest, he wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire, so I think I need to stop thinking he will behave decently towards me and start fighting back.

OP posts:

makemineapinot · 13/04/2014 23:46

It is so worth it to change the locks, believe me. The locksmith parked round the corner as he said all his work was due to divorcing couples and he didn't want to be seen!! And why not tell IR - you will get accurate maintenance and he will get the lesson that there are consequences for his actions - he will never know it was you who reported him anyway? Don't do him any favours, sounds like he isn't doing you any - or playing fair. Locking you out if your filing cabinet tells you enough. You need to protect yourself and your DC.

cozietoesie · 13/04/2014 23:53

.......so I think I need to stop thinking he will behave decently towards me .........

Quite. You're probably just a balance sheet to him now - a way of getting some things he needs free ('Oh there's one of those in the other house....) as a partial offset against any perceived drain on his finances for the DCs.

Get anything you want to keep out of the house if you can live without it and the DCs won't immediately notice it. (In case they're questioned by him.)

How soon is the divorce to be effected?

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