Triggering- loss/ abuse

[hartic]

I have name changed and posted here because I didn't think it appropriate to post on the miscarriage boards.

I became pregnant by my abuser as a teenager. I went on to miscarry.

I'm in counselling and working through my past. I've never felt upset over the miscarriage or a sense of loss, in fact I've felt sick that he did that to me- that he put that in my womb. I'm sorry if that is upsetting for anyone :(

But I am working towards healing and moving forward, I want to reclaim that pregnancy, I want it to be a baby, my baby, so I can grieve but mostly so I no longer feel so sick that it was his..

I'm not sure I am making sense. I suppose what I am asking is- is there anything I can do, to make this a baby, make it mine and grieve if necessary?

I'm afraid to tell my counsellor or advice, because I've spent so long telling him that I hate the "thing" that was in me and I don't feel a loss but I want to reclaim this as my own- is that crazy?

Not crazy at all!

Don't be afraid to tell your counsellor. It's normal to hate the thing that happened to you, but perfectly usual to be able to separate the baby from the abuse.

Your therapist will be ok, let them know your feelings.

Absolutely not crazy.

What you are saying does make sense, do tell your counsellor so that you can work how you feel and move forwards.

You were robbed. You were robbed of the joy of being pregnant with your first child, a child borne of love. The joy you should have felt was another part of the abuse you suffered. He stole that from you.

If you hadn't been abused, that child would have been a child you wanted and loved. It is perfectly reasonable to grieve a child that could have been. One you would have had with someone you love and that you would have loved.

You weren't able to grieve the loss of the child because you were, understandably, relieved that you wouldn't have the constant reminder. Instead you have that constant reminder of the abuser by the guilt and anger you feel by being robbed of that. Another violation.

It is perfectly reasonable to hate the man, but love and grieve for a child that you carried, for however short a time. To feel guilty for feeling hatred, however understandable, and to feel relieved and happy that an innocent child was not born into this situation.

No matter what you believe, whether you believe in heaven or do not, that child is no longer. It feels no pain. It feels no loss. It is not affected by it's parentage. The innocence of that child is protected and you are entitled to grieve.

Thank you all so much and Sykadelic- that made me cry. Thank you for your understanding.

I was robbed of so much. I was even robbed of the chance to or ability to grieve all this time.

I want to now, I want to get beyond the hate and disgust to reclaim this baby as my own and grief as I need. I hope I can find a way

Thank you

I think you should tell the counsellor. Your feelings are supposed to change through counselling, are they not? That's why you are there.

I think what you are feeling is perfectly natural. And part of the process.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. Both the abuse and the loss.
I think you'd have ended up loving that child because it was from you, regardless of how it had come to be.
And you could still love it now. Only it's more difficult, because I imagine you never actually felt the child. You never developed that intimacy and relationship that comes from late pregnancy and the bonding afterwards.

But I think the main thing, to let go and embrace that child fully, is to forgive your abuser. Not excuse it, but forgive. Then you will be able to allow yourself to love that baby.

Also, think of the child as a victim like you.
Not as part of the abuser, but another blameless victim.

hartic when's your next session? Do you feel ok about raising this then?

I'm so sorry you went through this. I may be well off the mark here but could you do something to mark what would have been the baby's due date (if you know it or can work it out)? Or perhaps you could name the baby?

Sorry if my suggestions are insensitive

Your counsellor should be able to help you to separate out the hate and digust from your feelings towards the baby. It's so understandable that you would have such mixed feelings because it's such a huge violation to have become pregnant under those circumstances.

But as others have said your baby would have been completely innocent and deserving of love (and of course you would have loved the baby had the pregnancy progressed). So it makes so much sense that you would feel the need to acknowledge your loss. And acknowledging your loss doesn't in any way lessen the fact that it was 'proper' abuse (just in case you felt in any way it might or could do). Of course it was really abusive, but any child would have been separate from that, innocent and loved.

Wow, overwhelmed by the responses, thank you so much.

I am sorry for the delayed reply, I had work and then demands of my small children.

Lweji, forgiveness is on the plan, but won't be any time soon. It sounds so simple, but I'd never thought of thinking of the baby as a victim too. The two of us versus him, rather than him and his "seed" versus me. That is very helpful, thank you.

Hissy, my next session is after Easter, just over a week away, so not too long. I may raise it then, but not 100% sure I am ready to say it out loud yet. I will, I trust my counsellor and will make him aware something is bothering me, even if I can't tell him what yet.

Dorothy, not insensitive at all. I don't know the due date, I blocked out a lot of my past, so I'm not aware of the time line of when these things happened, just the vague time of year and my rough age.

I had considered planting a tree or perhaps a Rose bush in memory of the baby, but couldn't decide if rather than that helping me reclaim the baby and through the grief, it might remind me of what he did to me instead?

I find myself nervous of telling my counsellor that bit- I am not even sure why. I suppose I am a bit embarrassed, or feel like a fraud. I have a friend who has lost several babies, her grief seems much more valid than mine.
Because I am not sad that the baby didn't live (sorry if that seems evil), for many reasons, but mostly because I don't think either of us would have survived long and because it would have been hell for us both. My grief is different to that of other women who have miscarried. I'm embarrassed to mark it in a similar way I suppose.

I am not sure I am making sense and I am so very sorry, if this upsets anyone. It's such a sensitive topic.

I always found rehearsing my conversations (the tricky ones) out loud if need be, can help.

I used to rehearse everything, when I was riddled with anxiety/fear/agoraphobia., It was as a result of domestic abuse. Nowadays I can have off the hoof conversations!

Try and work out what you'd like to say. Have you thought about writing it down and giving it to the counsellor to read? that'd help a bit, perhaps?

Thanks Hissy. I rehearsed a lot when I first started counselling. Perhaps I need to try it again.

I will tell him I'm embarrassed and we will take it from there. We've overcome embarrassment together before, I am confident we will again. I suppose I just feel a bit out of my depth this time. I feel so different to how I used to and it's a bit scary.

different might mean 'better' it'll be OK love. it really will!

How are you doing hartic?

Remember it's ok to be mixed up. Nothing is ever clear cut and this in particular is a very complicated issue. The counsellor won't expect you to be able to articulate exactly how you feel.

Thanks Cailin. I actually feel a bit better. I feel relief for having started this post. I've been bottling this up for a number of weeks now. It's good that it's out there and no one has called me evil or horrible.

I don't know how I feel about this baby and the miscarriage- I used to, but now I don't. My counsellor is wonderful, he's guided me through this process for 2 years and I know he'll help with this too. I am just so surprised at my change of feelings. I will tell him, as soon as I can.

Is it wrong to consider planting something in memory of the baby- I so want it to be my baby. I feel as if I need to do something.

Genuine question - why would it be wrong?

Because I'm not sad that the baby died. It was better for me that way. I can not think of a single way in which having that baby would have been positive.

It's not the same as other women who have had miscarriages and have the right to grieve their loss- because it's a true loss, not something they are grateful for, like I am.

Say you did plant something, what would that symbolise for you?

I am not even sure. I fear it would just remind me of what he did.

But there is a part of me that wonders if it will help me remember that baby- as my own. Something beautiful to remind me that it was something beautiful, not a monster like him.

Is there something you would say to the baby?

Being pg is such a complex situation, you don't bond with the body inside you until later on, and that's when the baby is as a result of an non-traumatic situation.

It's totally normal to be mixed up or conflicted about what happened to you, anyone would be. This stuff is hard to get your head round, we'd all struggle.

Try to be kind to yourself, understanding of the huge issues these are, for anyone, and know that by thinking and talking all this through you will be able to find your way to coming to terms with what happened to you and your feelings about it.

Cailin, not yet there isn't. I am still trying to get my head around it actually being a baby. So no, maybe I will one day though?

I want to come to terms with the pregnancy, the miscarriage and claim that baby as my own- not his. I am not sure how.

Thanks Hissy. It's always helpful to have a reminder to be kind to myself. It's all too easy to assume something is wrong with me when I feel things I think I shouldn't.