Alcoholic ex/friend and money issues

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I've name changed for this.

I know this man has serious issues. He is my ex, I'm not in love with him, but we are good friends and I do care about him. I'm just confused as to the best way forward.

I'll give you the backstory.

He earns about half of what I earn. Last summer he got the sack for basically having too many days off, and as we were living together at the time (only just) I had to pay all of the rent for a few months, plus give him money to spend etc. He still owes me £1000 for the rent then (I'm ignoring the money I gave him to live off, even though - we well - he has bought hardly any groceries for the past 9 months). We've been in each other's lives for 16 months.

I moved out in September, but we got tangled again, spending a lot of time together and hanging out. We don't really sleep together (he doesn't really do it for me emotionally), but we are very close. Too close, I am very aware of this. In the meantime, he wasn't paying his rent and 2 months ago he decided to leave his place, use his deposit as rent payment and live at mine (spare room) for 2 months while he paid off the backlog. I agreed to this, as I'm generally quite easygoing and didn't see it as a massive imposition for me. Plus I liked having him around.

Around 6 weeks ago he admitted that he was an alcoholic. Since then- since realising that he might have to give up his first love, he has been on benders every weekend. Needless to say, he hasn't paid back the rent he owed from his last place, and hasn't saved up for a deposit for a new place. He is now cutting back to about half of what he was drinking, which is at least a step in the right direction, however small. He acknowledges that he would like to sort out his drinking, but he's not ready for AA or formal support yet (although he has been to his GP).

I've since moved out, and he has stayed on until he finds a new place. I agreed to this so that wasn't the problem. The problem is that he hasn't paid the rent for the last week and he is due to pay 2 weeks rent this weekend. Which he hasn't done. Yet. I know he was paid on Friday (not much to be honest, but enough to cover a month's rent at least). My old landlord is now texting me to ask him to pay up. I'm waiting to see if he will pay, as I don't want to enable him by reminding him to do so. I've left my deposit there until he moves out as some kind of security (which I do believe I will get back. It's just that he pays at the last minute instead of straight up, which is the way I prefer to do things).

I realise this all sounds hideous. It is hideous.

I also realise I'm a bit co-dependent. This has been a bit of a shock and I'm still trying to work out how to deal with this without being hurtful.

I know someone will ask, "What are you getting out of this?". And the answer is that he really, genuinely, is a kind-hearted man. He is good company - I'm in London, have no family here and it's not always an easy city. He genuinely wants to live a good life. He has had a pretty disinterested upbringing, with a family who never really supported him - more or less fed him and gave him a roof but that's it. He's not close to his dad. He has emotional issues from all of this. And I guess I want to be able to help him.

I just want perspective on the best way forward. I don't want someone to come along and say he is a useless waste of space (even if he is behaving like one at times), because I don't want to think of any human as a write-off or in such wholly negative terms. I care for him, we laugh together at times, he is loyal and present companionship. I see some good in him, but just a very weak person with very low self esteem.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How can I best a) support him and b) extricate myself without hurting him or me?

I hate to read and run but I have to dash for a train shortly. So in the meantime I will reiterate the usual (and good) MN advice to read your post back as if someone else had written it. What would you advise them?

You are very, very deep in co-dependency if you can't see how unhealthy and wrong this situation is. I'm a recovering alcoholic so I fully sympathise with the fact that good people can make bad choices, but right now he is dragging you down with him and you have to get away from him. What you perceive to be an easy-going nature is something else entirely - and all this for a guy you've known less than 18 months.

Firstly, you cannot extricate yourself without hurting either him or you. It's not possible. You have been his crutch, and until he gets his act together he will try to 'lean' on you. So your first step HAS to be to accept that. He WILL be hurt, and as a result YOU will hurt.

But if you DON'T extricate yourself, he will drag you down, and hurt you even more than you can possibly imagine. So for the sake of your sanity, you need to get out of this, now.

He may be a 'good' person, but he has made some really bad choices, and is continueing to make them. But they are HIS choices. He doesn't WANT to go the AA route or get more formal support - his choice.

He is spending the money on alcohol instead of rent - his choice.

He is landing on your doorstep - his choice.

You are letting him in - YOUR choice.

Because he has somewhere to stay - he spends more money on alcohol - his choice, enabled by you.

See where this is going?

You need to let him fall, and he probably will fall even further and it will hurt you to see it. But it is the only thing that will motivate him to get his act together.

Right. Thanks for your responses. Yes I know he is dragging me down. I can feel it, in my gut and not only my bank statement.

Tribpot I can tell it's unhealthy, but only fairly recently. I feel like a different person since I've moved away from living in the same premises.

I don't want to cut him out entirely. I just want to get some healthy distance between us. And I want to stop enabling him.

So do I remind him to pay the rent? Or do I wait and watch? Being with him sometimes is like having a child - having to wait at the front door for him as he still faffs around, nudge him to remember to buy batteries, advise him on how to organise his life etc. God, I'm a fucking rescuer aren't I?

I'm actually feeling quite sick in the stomach at the moment because i'm finally admitting this (albeit to strangers on tinternet).

The more money you give him to cover rent, food etc then the more money he has to pour down his throat. You are, in essence, helping to finance the drug addiction that could very well end up killing him.

He is now cutting back to about half of what he was drinking, which is at least a step in the right direction, however small.

No, it's not. It's a futile waste of time. It's a pipe dream. If he's an alcoholic then he will not be able to successfully cut back because he's not in control of his drinking. That's the whole point of alcoholism. He cannot control his drinking yet here he is with some ridiculous idea that he will magically re-grow the ability to control his drinking while he continues to drink.

That is the only important thing here. He's admitted to being an alcoholic and he has every intention of continuing to drink. And once he's had the first one or two then any thought of "controlling" his drinking will go out the window just like it always does.

You are an adult. You are entirely free to help finance his potentially fatal drug addiction and to watch him slowly kill himself if that's what you want to do. But you can't love an alcoholic sober. Try going to some open Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and listen to what the people there say about what finally drove them to wanting sobriety. It's typically when they have already lost so much from their lives that they cannot stand to lose any more. What has he lost so far?

You moved out of your flat and left him there to pay the rent, knowing that he sees paying rent as optional? Wow. You are going to have to pay up you realise, it's your liability. Then for goodness sake cut him out before you fuck up your finances, credit rating and reputation for this alcoholic waste of time.

I just messaged him to remind him about the rent, and he had paid it. I'm relieved about that.

OP please check that the rent has been paid with your landlord don't accept your friends word for it, I speak as one with a brother who is a recovering alcoholic. I would strongly urge you to completely disassociate from him, it will almost inevitably end in tears for you. sorry, I appreciate that sometimes the truth hurts.

This is going to sound harsh and mad but the more you help him the less he's going to help himself. And he's the only one who can help himself.

So you have to acknowledge that you're not doing him any favours keeping propping him up like this. The quicker he falls, the quicker he can get back up again.

By all means google some local AA stuff for him, so he has it when he needs it but you have to step back.

My best friend has a drink problem and I can't and won't do anything for them except listen. They are aware, and it will be OK in the end. And if it's not OK, it's not the end.

Thanks for your replies. I am aware - and he is aware - that the more I do for him the longer it will be before he has any urgency to help himself. And I have already stepped back as a result, although probably I should step back even more to be honest.

I'm not prepared to cut him out though - he's been a royal dick over the last 6 months, but I do believe in him enough to maintain a friendship.

I like the idea of just listening and no more. I preach too much at him which is totally the wrong thing to do.

it will be OK in the end. And if it's not OK, it's not the end This is good to hear, thank you

Good luck :)

Thanks kalidanger