Uuuurgghh.....just don't want to see PIl's again.....but feel bad

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Right - I think I might actually have two problems here

I've posted before about my problems with the PILs and Git some very good advice

I won't rehash everything but the PILs are pretty self-centred selfish people. We have two DC - a 16 month DS and a 12 week DD

When DD was 4 weeks old, it was MIls 60th birthday. Obviously, mil is entitled to do whatever she wants fir that birthday - just want to make that clear now

She decided she abated an evening do in a restaurant which is 2 hours away from us. We felt it wasn't feasible for is to go to the evening do

I am exclusively expressing for DD but bought an in car charger for the pump and we offered to do a 4 hour round trip to take MiL out fir lunch. She accepted then cancelled a few days beforehand as she wanted to get her hair done. Fine. Whatever.

So, I then encouraged DH to go to the evening do and stay over so he could drink and not spoil the party by leaving early - which he did

I now hear - via DH - that MiL feels that I didn't make an "effort" and could have come etc etc etc.

I'm fuming. I don't want to have a massive fall out with Mil but have two issues:

1. I feel that DH should have stuck up for me. Not fallen out with MIl but pit her straight on the facts of the matter and that we had jointly decided I would stay at home with the children - particularly as I was just recovering from a bad bout of mastitis and actually had been quite unwell.

We have had a big fall out re this and I really lost it with DH yesterday as there is no way I would let my parents labour under falls apprehensions about DH

1. I just don't want to see the Pils again. I don't want a huge fall out or any fall out. But I just don't want to see them. My thinking is that DH can take our DS to visit them. dD is too little but, once she is older, she can go too.

I obviously would not do anything to stop DH going to visit them

What is holding me back is

1. I know that me not going to see the PILs would hurt and upset DH

1. My parents (who are doting grandparents) and have a very close relationship with the Dcs are horrified. They feel that I hardly see the PiLs anyway (true - they have various things to do such as dog sitting or going to the hairdresser etc which take priority) and I should just suck it up and ignore MIL as not seeing them would upset DH and the DCs when they are old enough to understand

Also, it would cause problems at times like Christmas etc

Sooooo....what should I do? As I've said, I have no interest in having any kind of fall out etc. I just don't want to see them again

Well you will cause a fall out if you don't ever see them again. Did your dh stand up for you when mil said that (it's not clear)? I think you are possibly making a mountain out of a molehill.

No. - DH didn't stand up to MIL. Hence why I'm pissed off with him

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting, hence posting so hmmmm re what you're saying

I'm not sure how just not going to see them would lead to a fall out? I wouldn't be there to have an argument with

Also, I don't intend to do a big am dram flounce. Would just get DH to say in the first instance that it was too difficult to come due to the expressing. Then just let it become the norm that he went on his own so I could "have a break" etc

I think you should go, but you should make a pre-emptive strike.

When you next see her make a big deal of saying 'Oh I hear your birthday night was wonderful, such a shame you chose something I couldn't possibly go to. Oh well, there's always next time when the children are older'. Be VERY firm with saying that there was just NO way you could possibly have gone. No wishy washyness. Dont' let them get a single chance to insinuate that you could have.

And tell your DH to stop stirring the pot, why on earth would he tell you that she didn't feel you were making the effort? I daresay she wouldn't say it to your face, so the only way you know this is because he was gutless enough to 1) not call her up on it and 2) then tell you about it.

DIY - have definitely tried the pre-emptive strike. Did that the last time we saw them

Actually, on reflection, I think the biggest issue is that DH didn't correct MIL when she brought this up again

Not sure why DH told me about this as he hasn't told me about other things she has said and I found out inadvertently when I saw some texts from her. I suspect it was because we were having an argument and he brought it up to upset me

We hardly ever have arguments and - when we do - the PILs are usually the cause

I'm pissed off as I've said we should go and visit them at Easter etc so feel that I try and facilitate the relationship, even though I don't actually like them and then it gets thrown back in my face

I suspect it was because we were having an argument and he brought it up to upset me

Wow, he's a charmer, isn't he?!

I hate to say this, but I think your 'D'H is a bigger problem than your ILs. Does he try to upset you deliberately often? It's a very nasty thing to do.

No - to be fair, we hardly ever argue

It was a bit of a tangent so I'm presuming he brought it up for that reason as it seemed a bit irrelevant to what we were actually discussing. I was a bit puzzled as he really doesn't have form for that kind of thing

I've not discussed further with him as I'm really tired and just having a nice day in bed with DD while he looks after DS

Frankly, I don't want to discuss MIL or anything to do with her. It just makes me feel rather depressed

I think if you don't want to see them then you shouldn't have to. Dh is quite capable of seeing them himself and taking the children with him. We have a similar arrangement with both sets of our parents as for one reason or another dh and I really dislike each others families! We usually make excuses so they can't have a confrontational thing about why we don't go together but it is what it is and the grandparents still get to see the dc. At Christmas and birthday parties we do make an effort to an extent but that's about it. There's nothing to say you have to see your in laws.

I think your mil was rude to make those comments. You have two very small children and had been unwell. Who wants to go to a party in the evening in those circumstances anyway?! She could have been more sympathetic.

Maybe I'm just getting old and set in my ways but I wouldn't have gone either. Dh went, that's all that was needed.

My MIL just tried a similar thing on me. I turned it back on her by insinuating that she had made the plans as she knew I wouldn't be able to attend. She was trying to cut me out not the other way around

Which was true. She flew halfway round the world to stay with us....four days after I flew halfway round the world. Then blamed it on me.

Well, I wouldn't have gone either.

And from a MiL POV (I'm a MiL), when you offered to take me out for a birthday lunch, I would have said yes, and then come over to you and gone to a restaurant local to you. I would not have expected you to drive all that time with two tiny children. You sound a lovely DiL :)

p.s. no dog or hairdressing appointment would ever be more important to me then spending time with my loved ones.....

Thank you chottie

I just find them so difficulty to deal with as my own parents are diametrically opposite. So the whole hairdressing/dog thing is just to me

You only have the problems with in-laws that your DH allows to exist. If he had stood up for you, it wouldn't matter what your selfish, childish MIL thinks. The problem is him, not her. He needs to stand up for you on every occasion when there is a disagreement with MIL. Tell him to get his head straight, or he will cause a huge rift.

Your MIL sounds like hard work! But just thinking about this from your DH point of view... You said that you and DH jointly decided you would stay home, but before that you said that you encouraged him to go alone; and also that you know not seeing the PIL in future would upset him. So although YOU saw it is a joint decision, are you sure he did too?

*as, not is

DH said right from the word go that mil's do in a restaurant wasn't suitable due to DD being tiny and DS being a total monster if he doesn't get to bed at 7. He loves his sleep but would have been too excited to sleep on his pram as he has done before when he was smaller and more oblivious. Once DD was born, it became clear that I would need to do the expressing to. I could have just about managed the lunch as it would have been a shorter time and could have done a couple of sessions in the car in the day light but the evening meal would have been longer and necessitated more trips out to the car, in the dark car park which we both felt wasn't really feasible or fair on me.

DH wasn't going to go to the evening do as we had proposed lunch.

When MIL cancelled, he was just going to leave things but I encouraged him to go to the evening do. All the reasons we had had re us all not going were still there plus I was still recovering from mastitis.

When we agreed that he would go, he never mooted that I should attend too. It was never discussed. In fact, I had to give him a bit of a shove to go

I tried to be as helpful and reasonable as possible so didn't insist that he came home/didn't drink etc but told him to go. Not to dory about me and the DC. Have a drink. Stay the night.

OP I expect all this drama and struggles for power on MiL' part is what is really upsetting you.

It is funny how a lot of these events, as written about on MN, seem to coincide with the birth of a child.

I think the best way to stop it is to completely ignore it and all reference to it. Then it will die.

Change the subject if the event is referred to. Do not bring PiL up in conversation. Make your life focus what you want it to be.

Make decisions, concerning seeing them on an event by event basis. Once you and your DH have agreed and announced your decision do not speak of it again.

This, for the meantime will stop the power wrangling and hopefully your relationship can get back to a more enjoyable social one, where obligations are not mentioned.

Point out to your DH that you suspect the messing about with the meal/lunch was done to exclude you.

And don't see them again.

Life's too short.

I wouldn't bother to see the ILs again if you don't have to. They aren't your parents and DH can take them to see their grandparents in future.

As for this upsetting your DH, well that's tough. His priorities should be you and your children and if his mother decides to stir it up and he doesn't defend you then he is the one with the bigger issue.

Next time they want you to visit or visit you make sure you are going off to the hairdressers!

Well, there's your mistake. You pushed your DH into it. Next time leave it be. If the ILs faff around and don't stick to arrangements that are suitable for everyone, then don't attend as a couple.