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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried for my sister

5 replies

Sickandtired14 · 13/04/2014 08:08

I've been in EA relationships and I know all the tell take signs and behaviour etc. I also know it's harder to see when it's you so I'm worried for my sis cos her bf is a total knob.

She is 25, he is 24. He is Italian, she English. He has this air of himself like he is a god and she is 'sooooo lucky to have him' he has always been like this. At first we put a lot of the things he said down to the language barrier. It's not what he says but how he says it. But more recently, last 18 months he has been so stuck up himself.

He is not interested in her family at all. They met when she was his boss at a coffee shop. This was fine til he got a job at Dior and suddenly started telling my sis 'when are u gonna get a real job'. She was a manager at the shop but suddenly this was no longer good enough. He then went on to get a better job (not sure what but more money and more luxurious company) and has gotten really stuck up - wears himself as a hat! His nan died last year and left him a substantial amount of money, he used it as a deposit on a house. He has a small mortgage now but again it has inflated his ego. It's HIS house when it suits him and all the contents are HIS unless it suits him to say they are ours so my sis has no claim to anything. Even though when they were moving from their rented flat to the house he threw out/gave away/broke stuff they had there and that was all hers....

Te way he speaks to her... She got a new job and has been there a few weeks. She is trying to show new employer she is a team player and good employee etc by helping with extra shifts or stock takes etc but all he says is 'are you cheating? Why would u need to stay late? Or go for drinks? Maybe your having an affair at work?' But of course, he an go for drinks anytime cos he isn't cheating.
The other day he asked her 'how was your day? Did you meet anyone new? Fuck anyone or suck anyone?'
If she touches her phone he asks who she is texting what they are saying, he checks her phone. If she is out he wants to know where, who with, why, what time she will be home and is then moody the next day. This is the tip of the iceberg but this post is already long.

I don't know how to help her. I am worried for her cos chances are he is cheating on her and projecting. If he isn't then is just an asshole who is fundamentally insecure. Either way, she is wasting her time and energy and emotion on his 'boy' and I don't know how to help her. I am always there whenever she messages and offer as much support as I can but it's getting harder and harder. I know she should LTB but she doesn't see it.

Advise please!! Thanks you for reading so far!

OP posts:
superstarheartbreaker · 13/04/2014 08:19

Ugggrrr. He sounds dire. You can try telling her but she will do what she wants. Just be there for her as much as possible.

Sickandtired14 · 13/04/2014 10:14

He wants blow jobs all the time, he is obsessed with them and having a three some. If she doesn't want to give him a bj he basically accuses her of 'sucking someone else cos your not sucking me'. She doesn't introduce him to any new females friends anymore as he instantly starts hounding her to ask her new friend for a 3some! So she said 'let's have one with another guy' and he said 'no, that's gay'.

I just can't stand him. Luckily he is not interested in our family and never comes to family gatherings. But now he has the house he wants us to all go there so he can show off and I can't be bothered but my sister wants my support.
Wish I could make her see how awful he is. She does see it but she says 'but I love him' and is afraid at her age, 26 (I got it wrong in original post) that she won't find anyone new.... It's so upsetting to see

OP posts:
ThePriory · 13/04/2014 10:25

Unfortunately she might end up resenting you for badmouthing her 'true love' he sounds like a total dick, and your DSis sounds totally blind.

It's frustrating how some people have absolutely no self respect or accounting for taste when it comes to their chosen ones.

Maybe she will come around? Keep supporting her, spend time with her away from him and suggest how she can do much better...

It's also totally ridiculous that she won't find anyone new aged 26. Anyway wouldn't 'no-one' be better than this prize c*??

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/04/2014 11:22

You're a good sister to worry about her but as the pp said you can't risk slagging him off. It is frustrating when someone we are close to is under a selfish individual's spell but she's an adult so you just have to be patient.

Now that she's no longer his boss at work he is enjoying what he considers his power over her. Thank goodness she has her own career and with any luck being with colleagues who respect her during the working week will remind her there are decent people out there.

At 26 she is not 'on the shelf'!

Keep in contact, be a shoulder to cry on, any sign of physical abuse then reassess tactics.

Star8369 · 13/04/2014 12:05

no advice really but at 30 years old with two children I found a new partner so she can too

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