Why does she say things that she knows she shouldn't?!?

[Sickandtired14]

My mum. We have had a odd relationship. She 'demands' respect as opposed to earning it. Simply because she is my mum. Therefore she is to be respected and revered. I, on the other hand, think the opposite - if you want respect you earn it.

I am 18 weeks with baby number 2. Have DD 21 months who adores her grandma and vice versa. Anyway, I am overweight. I have a fatty belly, have for a looooonnng time. I have a spare tyre. I'm not happy about it but I'm also rubbish at losing it so I just get on with life. I was trying before I got pregnant to lose weight and am being really healthy now - I have lost weight since BFP although hard to tell by looking.

Other day my mum touched my belly and 'wow, you are showing' I just replied with 'actually that's just me there, baby is still more down here' and thought nothing much of it.
Then she says 'I probably shouldn't say this, it's insensitive but we know your pregnant so even though you just look fat we know about the baby. But strangers on the street don't know so to them you just look fat'

This was on Wednesday. I have thought and thought about it, not on purpose but because if hurt. Why say you shouldn't if if you going to anyway? Why say that at all?
I know I'm fat but why point it out and why now? I'm pregnant, can't I just enjoy it without being told that I just look fat??

I keep contact to a minimum as stuff like this happens regularly. Can't, and don't want to, go NC. No point saying anything as she then just acts like the injured party. Just venting I guess. Just feel sad that she felt it needed to be said.

Hmmm, this sounds familiar
My mothers favourite phrase at the mo is 'if you don't mind me saying so hahaha'
But I DO mind. And if you have to sugar it how about thinking further and simply NOT saying it?!
Mine is parenting related rather than appearance but I know exactly what you mean

Personally I think your hormones might be playing havoc with you

I get what she said. I used to think it when I was pregnant ' oh do people think I have just put on weight? They don't know about the baby'

Also unless she is toxic/abusive I don't agree that she has to 'earn' your respect. She's your mum.

Some people pride themselves on 'honesty' when what they actually mean by that is they enjoy being rude and feel morally justified in doing so.

It is an unnecessary thing to say, and I wouldn't let it bother you. It says so much more about her insecurities than it does yours. Who really cares if strangers in a street mistakenly think you're fat not pregnant. Do people really look around pointing out the fat people to themselves...I sure don't!

You said you know how you look and you just get on with life, I like that attitude. I know it's your mum so coming from her it probably seems more hurtful, I don't think she felt it needed to be said, she obviously has some insecurity issues. Don't let her spoil a lovely pregnancy for you.

My sister is like this. Why? Because they can...
I've NC with my sister. I just couldn't cope with the constant opinion sharing.

Keep your distance if you really can't have NC.

Take care. Good luck with your pregnancy.

By earn I mean, she will criticise something do but me defending myself is disrespectful.

So, by calling me fat and me not saying anything is me showing respect. If I say something then I'm disrespectful towards my mother. The woman who gave me life, fed me, changed me, taught me etc etc.

My hormones probably are making it seem worse but this is quite common. She constantly starts sentences with 'I shouldn't this' or 'you won't want to hear this' or similar.
I get ALOT of parenting criticism, I am 1 of 4 and dd is my first so I clearly have no idea what I'm doing and she does so she corrects me and contradicts me etc. Which i don't like and ultimately ends in an argument where she feels I am disrespectful, selfish and ungrateful, because I want to be a mum myself instead of letting her dictate how I do it.

The moment the words "I shouldn't say..." or "You won't want to hear this.." slip out of her mouth, jump straight in with a big smile and say "Best you don't say it then". Repeat.

My DMum is always having confidential little chats with me about my weight. The one time I asked for her help and support and told her exactly what I needed her to do, she ignored me and provided no support at all. To a certain extent it negates her right to comment at all nowadays, as I know it is all words and won't be followed up with actions.

Well mum, if you had taught me to eat properly then perhaps I wouldn't be fat.
Well mum, if you had brought me up properly, I'd automatically know x and y wouldn't I?

Just turn it back on your upbringing, that will learn her.

I can see what she was trying to say. You essentially pointed out your weight and it sounds like she meant "but I know the rest is baby even if others don't". So she wasn't quite trying to call you fat. Quite.

But either way its desperately insensitive/rude and irrelevant. It's still drawing attention to your weight. It's still encouraging you to be critical or worried about your appearance.
Finally she's wrong. People on the street don't even notice you. In a nice way. I don't know if I have walked past someone overweight or underweight. They don't even come up on the radar unless dressed very jazzy (in which case I'd notice their clothes no weight) or if they were so unusually large or slim that they "stood out". Or perhaps if they struck me as very attractive. I wouldn't remember them for long, though.

Your mum obviously holds appearance as being a lot more important than they are. And I assume she thinks everyone else thinks like her. But they don't. So no one is thinking what your mum is assuming they are and if they are then they're as sad as your mum (sorry mum).

Maybe ask your mum to drop talking about body hang ups. She obviously had some (shes bound to if she attributes so much importance to looks) but you don't need them so leave it out. I am happy with my bit but someone drawing attention to my own or other peoples (good or bad points) enough would drive me mad and probably make me more critical of myself. It's not healthy.
You could always do so under the pretence that you don't want your little girl affected by the judgyness. Which would be true anyway.