Baby with a man of a different faith...issues

[sunflowers27]

Two years ago I had a brief fling, and after the fling ended I discovered that I was pregnant. I have since given birth to a beautiful baby boy, who is the centre of my Universe.

However, the Father and his family are not happy with how I am raising our child. What I didn't mention before is that the Father is Jewish. He was actually born and raised in Israel, served in the IDF etc etc, although no longer lives in Israel.

We are not in a relationship, and I have tried to explain to him that I don't want to raise our son as Jewish- I am not religious myself, and would rather let our Son make up his own mind about his faith when he is older. I will however, teach him and encourage him to find out more about his Jewish heritage as I hope will his dad, I have even given him a traditionally Jewish name, but I do not wish to raise him as a religion that I myself know very little about.

I am feeling quite angry that I have had no help leading up to, during or after the birth, yet now he feels like he can stick his ore in. I have very little family support myself and I have been trying my best, and actually doing a pretty good job, but I've received no praise or empathy from the father or his family regarding my situation. I instead have been criticised continually, and lately there have been vague threats from the father, along the lines that if I won't raise our Son as Jewish then he will - implying that he will perhaps fight for custody, or worse take our Son from me without my consent. I hope that these are empty threats but they are leaving me deeply stressed and anxious. I'm absolutely terrified that I will wake up and my baby will be gone, or that in the future, he will be whisked off to Israel never to be seen again.

I feel I face two options. One is to break all contact with the father and family, but I don't think that this will be easy. I also don't want to deprive my son of a father. Option two is to raise our son as Jewish to stop the constant arguments and pressure, but I don't know if this means that I too would have to convert...something I really wouldn't be happy with doing. I really feel overwhelmed. I almost wish that I had kept my pregnancy a secret in the first place. Any advice?

I'm not sure about misogynism in the faith, but I do know that there is a vast difference in the Israeli culture in which he was brought up, where both men AND women are very outspoken, to the point of being extremely rude and arrogant (in our eyes at least). During our 'fling' we had a trip away and his demanding behaviour to any staff, were embarrassing and imo appalling! However, I have travelled a lot and I have experienced this attitude regularly with Israelis and they are well known for this attitude (many articles, experiences of others etc online to back this up). I personally am not this way inclined whatsoever so we both struggle with any kind of sensible discussion. He expects me to shout him down if I think he is wrong, which isn't the way I ever deal with things in any situation.

At the minute, the faith issue has been the main focus of parenting. I don't think he can deny that I am a caring, loving parent, not that he has ever admitted this of course. I am concerned that there will be many future issues regarding parenting. He has hinted that women should stay at home to raise their children...something that will not be possible for me as I will need to work and will also want to work...I wasn't prepared to be a stay at home mother, in a ideal world yes I agree that is also how I would like to raise a child, however, I am still working my way up the career ladder in my chosen profession. He also has hinted at private education, include boarding school, again something that I can't afford, even if I did agree with this. He works freelance in his industry which is well paid per contract, but isn't exactly stable or steady.

I am sure many issues will come to light in the near and distant future. None of which I am looking forward to dealing with. It is easy for him of course to sit back from afar and fire instructions, and this is what I am finding incredibly stressful...the constant, not necessarily criticism, but a general feeling that nothing I am doing is enough, and that I am doing things wrong. As he is my first child I do worry that I'm not doing things correctly, and I am muddling along as best I can, using baby books, friends and the internet as my sources of advice!! I need some reassurance that yes I am doing a good job. I don't have family local to me to help me out, so at first I was overjoyed that yes he did want to be involved. However, the type of involvement isn't what I expected or wanted.

Ehric...just saw your post after I posted. Will look into Hague convention and Israel...thank you.

As a Jew I can tell you to go and tell him to F-OFF!!!!!

Don't rule out getting him to pay day school fees for a good secular private school in due course though. For now just concentrate on rejecting his attempts to make this a religious issue. I think Israel is in the Hague Convention but its procedures are very slow.

If he wants a combative way of dealing with things you do not have to agree with that. Just say you are happy to put your points in detail in emails but are not going to have fights. Then you can spend a lot of time thinking about your position and writing it down and he is not present to argue back.

Remember that you do not have to obey him. You can pretty much laugh in his face regarding his opinions about women being inferior;no court will mandate that you must stay at home or lose custody. Just block contact with him as much as possible for the present on the grounds that he is abusive.

Delay indeed is the friend of resident parents, however cruel that sounds. The status quo is rarely altered by the courts which is unfair on non resident parents of course. If you get back to work and have good childcare in place and it is all working it is very unlikely the child will be moved to the father.

I think you did the right thing in not keeping the pregnancy secret from him as the child is entitled to know about its father and if you can sort out the religious issues then it may well improve his life to have his father in it, but he clearly is not going to be very helpful and was not supportive during pregnancy and after it.

The man is a bully; most of what he says is complete bluster. You can't raise your child as Jewish if you are not Jewish yourself, I just can't see how it is possible. And that is even without considering, as others have said, that judaism is passed through the mother. You sound too nice, too helpful, too willing to be accommodating. I would just nod and say how nice when he hints at private education; with an eratic income, I doubt if he could afford it. And as for staying at home to raise the child, how is that compatible with sending him to boarding school?

I agree with others that the first thing you should do is order a British passport for DS. I would also limit contact to a minimum. You are not his wife, you are not his partner, you are not even a couple; contact with his child does not give him the right to shout at you, argue with you or make any demands how you live your life.

Jewishness always passes through the mother, never through the father. I have a friend whose parents were married, raised him Jewish, etc and still he is not really accepted in that community as a real Jew because his mum was not Jewish.

Converting to Judaism is an incredibly long & arduous journey to which you must be 100% committed. Don't even consider it if you don't want to end up a practicing Jew yourself.

Tell him you are not raising your DS Jewish, end of story.

I converted and now live in Israel... Fairest approach surely seems to be to let him teach his son what he wants about his heritage and for you to raise him how you want to. It's a very common situation and even aside from fairness, etc, I'm not sure how the family think that you, as a non-Jewish person, could raise a child with a Jewish education!

Finally, as people say above, he is not Halachically Jewish (ie. under religious law), but that really is only half the story. There are strands of Judaism that would certainly recognise his Jewishness (if he wants them to when he is older), but in any case he has the basis to establish a Jewish identity...

I have previously tried to close the door on him only for him to shoulder barge his way through.

next time, call the police.
You can have him removed from your house, you know?

Indeed.
Milliband is currently fighting with the late Disraeli as to which might be or might have been the first British Prime Minister.He doesn't believe in God and is an atheist but had I think Jewish heritage parents. Disraeli did similarly but converted to Christianity. I suspect neither can really lay claim to being British Jewish prime minsters - the Christian and the atheist unless it is all about the blood.

Jewishness is an ethnicity as well as a religion - I have several friends who are both Jewish and atheist. (If any of the terms I have used are offensive, I apologise and am happy to be informed of the correct term; I'm going by what I was told by a friend who considers himself a Jew and a Buddhist.)
But the main issue for the OP is that her son's father is abusive, and that's what needs addressing first - ensuring he can be kept at a distance.

(Indeed but if that is so then Milliband would be the second not first as Disraeli was ethnically Jewish but converted to C of E, just as Milliband is ethnically Jewish but now an atheist)

I don't think you can trust this man at all, especially not with your child, and that you should get him out of your lives best you can. He may be linked via a few strands of DNA but that's where his rights end. If he is an abusive bully he is no good for you, no good for your child and bringing, as my friend would say, 'nothing to the party'. The religion is a red-herring I believe. He would be trying to control things even if he was a card-carrying atheist. Nip it in the bud. Call the police if he gets aggressive again. Involve solicitors. Do whatever is necessary to keep yourselves safe.

No, he has parental responsibility if he is on the birth certificate so that is not where his rights end.

I think you need to speak to a family law solicitor. You can find one near you through the law society's website. Many will give a free first appointment.

You need to specifically mention that you are worried he may abduct your son.

You could also consider speaking to women's aid. Cultural differences or not he's still a bully.

This man sounds like a horrible bully! Agree with pp, get a British passport for your son and keep it somewhere safe. Oh, and if he barges into your home again, call the police.

Also (speaking as someone with Jewish heritage) you can bring your son up to have an appreciation of Jewish culture and history, but that doesn't mean he has to become a member of the Jewish faith.

I view any indoctrination of a child with any type of mystical beliefs as child abuse. There are two parts to every human being, physical health and mental health. If a mind is manipulated to the extent where it can't function correctly, the result is mental health issues. When you look around the world at the countries that have the most conflict it is normally religious based.