Aibu to have very mixed feelings about my dad's relationship?

[superstarheartbreaker]

My dad got with his dp 5 months after mum died which was too soon for me really.
She is lovely and I know her well but I haven't been able to grieve for mum really. I felt that I couldn't mention my mum as I might upset dads dp.
I think what is getting me down most is that they are so thrilled to have found each other and are so wrapped up with each other and they (and everyone else) expects me to be just as thrilled for them when really I miss my mum and ( if I'm honest) my dad's attention.
I was feeling very down yesterday and today and dad was helping her with her house I could have done with a hug.
I'm alone so I have no one to support me and help me see that I'm being daft. I know this sounds pathetic but I am jealous of their happiness when my personal life has been a bit of a mess since they got together.
I know she isn't trying to take mum's place as she has told me so but I just feel unable to grieve etc.

Was your mum's final illness long & protracted? If so then your dad might have done much of his grieving before she died & started to emotionally move on sooner than you might have thought possible.

Yes. It was about a year. And she wanted him to start dating ASAP.

You aren't being daft, and you don't sound pathetic: this sounds really hard. Even when your parents divorce, when they move on to new partners - even lovely ones - it can feel like they're moving on from the union that made you and writing off the past, ie your life so far. To have bereavement involved, as well as such happiness in contrast to your grief must be heartbreaking.

Do you ever get to talk to your dad without her there? Do you feel you could tell him?

I understand it must be hard for you but actually think it would be inappropriate for you to tell him how you feel. We all have to find our own way to grieve and yours should not be dependent on you DF - you can tell him you need support but to be honest I think it would be cruel to suck the joy from his new relationship. Very often those that were the happiest with thier departed partners are the ones who want to move on to a relationship.

How generous & selfless of your mum to encourage him to start dating
Still difficult for you though

Agree with Mellow - after a good relationship the widowed are often more keen to start a new one than if it had been difficult / less than ideal.

My dad has been gone nearly 3 years and I couldn't cope if my mum found someone new.

It is very early. That doesn't mean you can't still talk to your dad, if she's the right woman he'll be talking about your um sometimes.

I miss my dad's hugs. Nothing is the same.

You're not being unreasonable, but neither is your Dad. We all grieve in different ways, and unfortunately, our different needs don't always match.

The father of one of my closest friends has been widowed twice, and my friend said after the second death, that it was like his life had been on hold all those years - his father had been able to move on, but he hadn't, at least emotionally. He's doing his grieving now, and seeing a counsellor about some of his feelings.

Try not to stand in your father's way - he needs to take his own path through everything. It's okay to ask him for support, and for some time where it's just the two of you, but you need to let him have his new relationship (and don't forget your mother wanted him to start dating, too.) Try to recognise your own feelings and work through them, too - I don't think handling it all over 15 years later is ideal (though better late than never, and of course, he didn't realise what was going on at the time.)

I'm sorry for your loss - the one thing I've realised is you're never old enough to lose a parent. It is a hard time for everyone - be easy on yourself as well as on your father.

I think you dad needs to know how you feel.I imagine he would be heartbroken to learn how isolated you feel but I also think he would be devastated to learn in retrospect and he wasn't there for you.

You sound like a lovely person as does your dad and his DP.

Tell them and I am sure you will soon feel their embrace.

After my father died a couple of years ago my mum immediately (& I mean immediately) started making a fuss about how she couldn't possibly have another relationship, certainly not a sexual relationship, "how can anything match up to perfection?", "what would you & your brother think? - it wouldn't be fair on you" & all that sort of stuff. I told her I'd be delighted if she formed a new relationship & expected my bro would feel the same (we are in our late 40s so wouldn't feel we were children losing a parent). She finds it difficult living alone (with me at a distance, although bro is close by) - I actually think a new relationship would be good for her, just for companionship really, but I suspect she will rebuff any advances.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I would actually suggest that you do talk to your dad. Tell him that you're really happy for him and really like his dp but that you are finding it hard. Do make it clear that you don't want to make him feel guilty, that there's probably nothing he can do but that you just needed him to know that you're finding it hard.

I don't personally have experience of this but my mum did. When her dm died (cancer), her df moved on after 3 months. Sadly to a woman who wanted to keep them apart. They were married very quickly and my mum and her brother were quite excluded from his life. Sadly he also died of cancer and the new wife took everything, the house, all of my grandparents possessions, even my grandmothers jewelery. My mum only has memories to remember her parents by.

I suppose my point is that as hard as this might be, you are lucky that she is nice. Just be honest with your df and maybe even tell his dw how you feel. They sound like loving and caring people and if you are honest and approach this in the right way then they can offer you more support. Think about what your mum would say if she were here. I think that's the trouble, mum are usually the ones helping us through difficult situations. I'm sure that in time things will get better but i do think it's important to talk about it.

I'm so sorry that you are not coping with the situation, completely understandable to me.

Perhaps you could invite your Dad around or have a get together just the two of you so you could have a chat and tell him that your really do like his new dp but you are really struggling with losing your Mum and that sometimes you'd like him to yourself for a bit so you can natter and talk about your mum together without making his new dp feel awkward.

Your Dad isn't a mind reader he probably does lean on his new dp for emotional support at times and hasn't realised that you need someone to lean on too?

I have tried to tell him. We now have a bit of a rocky relationship. I was feeling suicidal last night (about a different issue tbh) I just wanted my dad but tbh I dont want to upset him.

How about his new dp? Perhaps you could chat to her? I say this because my close friend has actually found her "step mum" far more understanding than her dad!

Would you go to see your doctor? It would be completely reasonable to ask for some bereavement counselling. I am also worried that you are having suicidal thoughts. Please see your doctor asap. He/she will help you. Also, Random's post makes sense too. But sometimes a totally impartial person can help. I offer you sincere condolences and hope you will get yourself some help quickly.