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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Exp is like a black cloud over my life

22 replies

Aloneandnowwhat · 12/04/2014 08:46

So ex has been moved out for over three months now but is still hanging over us like a shadow.
He ultimately wants to move back in and I am continually telling him that will never happen.
He'll be sensible for a couple of days then the constant harassment starts. I can receive anything from 50-100 texts a day starting with an innocent question but quickly getting nasty. He sees the kids at least three times a week but keeps having a go at me for not letting him see them - I think he lives on another planet. He keeps telling me I'm ruining the kids' lives etc.
I'm 100% sure we're better off without him but how do I stop him getting to me? I ignore 90% of it all but I can only take so much abuse.

OP posts:

superstarheartbreaker · 12/04/2014 08:52

Call the police and tell them. Restraining order springs to mind!

Hissy · 12/04/2014 08:54

Get a new phone and sim, leave the old phone and number for him, leave it on the side and reply only to child related messages.

He's got no right to harass you.

Tell him once again that it's over, and he'll never be coming back and that he has no right to abuse you by text or in any other way. Warn him that if you go to the police, the evidence is all there, and he'll be done for harassment at the very least.

State clearly that you'll only respond to communication regarding the dc.

If he's being this vile to you though, perhaps access to the dc ought to be via a contact centre, just so you know they are safe and he's not filling their heads with poison about you.

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 12/04/2014 09:11

Hissy that is something I'm worried about.
He's made a few snide remarks to them when I've been there to witness it so who knows what he's saying when I'm not there.
I've had the police out twice since he moved out. Can I get a restraining order if he's not actually threatening violence?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 12/04/2014 09:29

It is harrassment though, you have the right to live your life without constant texts from him.

glucose · 12/04/2014 09:33

Do you reply to his txts?

Hissy · 12/04/2014 09:49

Call 101 and ask their advice as to what you should do, and what options you have.

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 12/04/2014 12:34

Hi glucose I try to ignore but it's hard sometimes when he's suggesting I'm doing wrong by the kids. He knows exactly what to say to get a reaction. I don't send anything bad, just ask him to stop.

OP posts:

fideline · 12/04/2014 12:40

Harassment is a criminal offence and must be very stressful for you.

You do really need to decide whether you are ready to deaw a line. If you are you need to stop replying to texts and report to the police.

glucose · 12/04/2014 16:23

Hi, my experiences are no where near as extream as what you are describing, and I would agree with OPs that it might be worth speaking to the police...In my situation ex H and his new P know just how to push my buttons....by text message they are SO brave, and spout the most utter rubbish...always about how am bringing up DD...you will get more confident in ignoring him, its not been long for you..and I am sure it was a decision you didn't take lightly. Don't talk him back if you don't want to...it took me years to be OK with my decision. He sounds as though he is beyond reasoning with. Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 12/04/2014 18:15

Yes it did take a long time to finally end things and he pushed me to the limit.
I did see a solicitor in the beginning with regards to contact and as I understand it I can suggest contact times but if he disagrees he will need to apply for a contact order. So far he's seen the kids whenever he wants but he really is just using them to get to me.
I think I'll go for getting a new number. In his twisted head any response he gets from me is probably just encouraging him, even though I'm making it plain that there's no chance for us.

OP posts:

plinkyplonks · 12/04/2014 18:17

Agreed with the previous poster - I'd call 101 and seek advice on how to proceed.

RandomMess · 12/04/2014 18:38

Just offer fixed contact tell him there is no longer any negotiation for change. To notify you by email if he can't make it.

Get yourself a new mobile number only turn it on when he has the dc. Set up your email account so his emails go direct to their own folder and just check it the day of contact to see if he's cancelled etc.

He's an abusive arse and you are well rid.

Finney2 · 12/04/2014 18:56

OP I see many people up in court for harassment who have done a lot less than your H has.

Call the police x

DistanceCall · 12/04/2014 19:30

Police. Notify the court. Fixed contact, and notifications via email only, in a special email account which you create for this purpose.

Some people have no boundaries whatsoever, and need to have them pointed out to them in very strong terms. If you react to his provocations, you are rewarding him because he has got a reaction out of you, and that's exactly what he wants. So stop it and be firm.

Best of luck.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/04/2014 22:48

Stop thinking of him as a nice man who loves his DC but whose relationship with you has 'unfortunately failed'. He is your enemy and there is no point in being willing to compromise with an abusive man. As others have said, inform the police and restrict his contact with you. He has no right to any contact with you against your wishes. And if he can't behave sensibly around the DC he will lose the right to see them, as well.

As for the DC, make sure you tell them, in an age-appropriate way, that their father doesn't live at home any more because he behaved badly and is still doing so and emphasise that none of it is their fault.

Perfectlypurple · 12/04/2014 22:59

Harassment is a course of conduct that causes harassment, alarm or distress. This is clearly harassment.

If you have been replying next time he texts reply saying you want no further contact with him. He will continue to text but do not reply and ring 101.

I would also see a solicitor to make firm contact arrangements so he has no need to contact you.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/04/2014 23:13

I would think about asking the police for their advice.

When it's someone you know and had/ have a relationship with its easy to make excuses / empathize/ generally put his feelings first and actually not realise how bad their behaviour is. It sounds bad and you shouldn't have to put up with it. Don't under estimate the effect it's having on you - sounds unbearable

Original poster

Aloneandnowwhat · 13/04/2014 07:42

Thought I'd count up yesterday's texts. 44 text messages and 10 missed phone calls. That's all with me not replying so zero encouragement, as usual.
I'm going to get legal advice tomorrow because I just want a peaceful life without feeling sick every time my phone goes.

OP posts:

Jengnr · 13/04/2014 08:17

Why wait? Ring 101 today

RandomMess · 13/04/2014 08:33

I too would ring 101 today. I think sometimes they will go around and speak to them in the hope that is enough to nip it all in the bud without you having to take it further.

Personally I would go and get a new sim today. Then you won't have to hear your phone going off!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/04/2014 00:28

That's not borderline is it?! It's very clear. I hope you do get police advice.

fideline · 14/04/2014 00:52

What Misc said

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