How do you know if it's over?

[CakeWillDo]

I posted previously about going to counselling after DH treating me badly. (cant find it sorry). We have been attending couples counselling for a while and everything has been brought into the open. DH admits he's been awful and has made an effort to make changes (losing the aggression, seeing things from my side saying sorry etc). Home life is much calmer but I don't feel happy. He has started gaming more again (most nights). I just feel like I'm being selfish and self absorbed if I'm upset about that now. He's trying and it's not enough. Am i just negative? In counselling I was honest and said I wasn't sure he would change after so long. He pointed out how I'm happy to highlight negatives not positives.

I don't feel angry or resentful now about things he did. But I also don't feel how I thought I would. Is this a sign that too much was done and we can't get back to where we were. I'm not miserable and we parent together really well. My life is busy and fulfilling now. We have time together do date night etc. but the spark I loved about us is gone. Is that how marriages become and I'm expecting something more and ugrateful? Or did 4 1/2 years of very little emotional support kill our marriage?

I've looked at affording to split and I think I could cope. But I don't want that for my 2DC. (2&4) I don't have family here and I would likely get a frosty reception from his if we did split. Is settling ever ok? DH is very happy.

Brilliant question cake and something I'm also wondering myself, my DCs are same age as yours and i feel splitting is in some ways selfish but i know they'd want happy parents its so tough, will watch your thread with interest take care x

He's coping by gaming? That's not coping, that's avoidance. Just because he is happy, doesn't mean you automatically are.

For me, I just knew that trying again was pointless and destroying me. Plus, the thought of having sex with him after all this " trying again" was repugnant to me. When that's gone, its definitely over. Imo.

Thanks for the responses. Lavender, I posted this after reading yours. I guess it made me think about what's been niggling for a while.

Some days I'm tempted to pull back and see if he makes any effort to do stuff for us (not chores as that's not an issue) but to keep the spark alive.without my input. Some things he said in counselling make me think he just isn't that way and my heart sinks, but he agrees if I point out its something I need. not everyone is the same as him. But me behaving that way seems childish. A small part wonders if im afraid of the outcome .

Leaving would devastate him and my 2DC. But I like alone time now. Previously him being controlling has been the issue. So perhaps it will take time for me to relax again?

I'm sat on MN and he's on the game, which I did wonder if hes using to cope with our issues. All I can think is, can I accept this and just carry on? He can and does get a bit addicted now and then but I help him realise. Do I stop that? There are no grass is greener relationship wise, in fact I can't ever imagine sharing my home and life again.

what is your problem mrslel, do you need to go to bed!?

I didn't look on the thread in time to see MrsLel's contribution. Never mind

I didn't see either but I don't think you missed much.

How are you doing op? Have you had a chat with him?

I feel that there is never 1 particular reason but lots of things as in probably a bit of...

Too much water under the bridge
He's gaming a lot
This particular relationship doesn't work for you anymore
the biggy.... you aren't happy

Life is far too short to stay in something like this

And no, don't stay just for the kids

Im early 50's and having the best time of my life ever! single and seeing a couple of men

lavender, I haven't spoken to him. I don't know if I can because there are only two options 1) we carry on or 2) I say I'm still not happy. which leads to separation.

I have family visiting so that will keep me busy. Earlier today he did slip up a bit and get a bit narky over something I did. I stood my ground and told him I wasn't arguing. It worked, but brought up the same emotions we were working on removing. It did cross my mind that if he escalated that I may just shout at him to get out. But it wasn't needed. We are still attending counselling perhaps that's a place I can adress it? If he stays the 'new' him I think I can cope. If he doesn't then I will have to go. What makes it harder is I work for his family. A job I love, but it would massively complicate a split. I think I'd need to change employment before ending it. Which can't really happen for quite a while anyway.

Cope? Do you mean its not awful enough to leave? How bad would it have to get then? I think if he knows you're waiting for him to mess up, that's not so good, because you aren't trying to change together iyswim, and you could start to press his buttons in the hope he reacts badly and leaves.

Did you think he wouldn't agree to counselling and would leave? and now he has and is trying its still not working for you?

Do you still have sex? Do you want to?

You sound like your planning an exit strategy tbh. Why would you lose your job? You're way down the line on that. If you are employed properly they can't just sack you anyway- and why would they? It would impact on their relationship with you and dc. Don't second guess people.

I don't know anything about counselling but I expect someone will be along who does.

I remember your earlier thread, Cake.
I can understand why you feel irresolute, because neither leaving nor staying feels like the right decision for you, at the moment.

However, I can only point out that he's 'coped' by gaming excessively before, for weeks, just after your child was born. He also left you alone during all your hospital admissions, and left you to cope when you had hyperemesis.

You also previously mentioned he'd said horrible things and needed to be right all the time.

So this is who he is. It's good that he's tackling his aggressive behaviours. But the deal breaker for me would be the total lack of caring when you needed help. Counselling is good, but can't make a caring person out of an uncaring one. This is a partner who puts himself first, even when you're very ill, and even when his own child is ill and might need attention.

I would recommend a few visits to the counsellor on your own, if you can.

lavender by coping, yes I mean it's not bad enough to leave right now. That's kind of / part of the problem. It's always felt like that, yet when I look back I'm at what I put up with.
I was aware for a time I was waiting for him to slip up. We discussed it and I said I'd work on being more positive. That was working until this weekend. I guess family being here, they pushed his buttons and he reacted. But it makes me nervous, is the change temporary? who knows.
after working on being more positive I did make an effort to be close to him and that was good for a while. It's tailed off as I've watched him game more. Maybe I should correct that.

I have looked at the practicalities of leaving, but nothing is set up iyswim. Just being sensible as I have 2DC to consider.

With regards to second guessing the work situation, sadly its from very recent experience. MIL has been passive aggressive since she found out we're having issues. It would be a case of making me so uncomfortable I'd have to leave I think. I certainly feel like an outsider lately, where I once felt more at home than my own family. It's sad but I'm hoping it will calm if she thinks we're on track again.

In aswer to your counselling question, I asked about counselling and he said he didn't need it. The problem was all me. he was on his words happy with how our relationship is. Apparently I needed to sort myself out. That's when I laid everything out (again) and for the first time ever he listened. By the end end of that evening he agreed we should go as he was upset at a lot of what he'd done / said to me. He's open to change and we have done exercises together to look at how we both can change and be better. Thats what my op was.about really. Is it too early to be expecting things to be better or did it all go too far and we lost the marriage due to his treatment of me and horrible attitude when i needed him most? I'm on phone so I can't find original post, but perhaps someone can link it for me?

Here it is Cake -
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2020937-How-to-forgive-and-move-on

Thank you.