What am I doing wrong (dating)

[Bananasandnutella]

After being single for some time I started online dating, because it was my only option to meet someone.

I've got a good profile, nice pics and in a way I'd like to think I can offer a lot to someone.

I'm confident enough to have messaged people and replied to those who've messaged me. I'm not being overly fussy, as in I'm being flexible on my 'type'. Thing is nothing is progressing past a few messages. With two guys the messages were flowing really great and then they both stopped?

Where am I going wrong?

Hello Bananasandnutella
I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all. How long have you been online dating?
In my experience many men just fade away and stop answering messages because either they're busy or most likely have found another woman who they prefer messaging. It really is no big deal and you have to develop a thick skin when online dating. Better they do this now, before even meeting than further down the line. Just read through the dating thread on here to get an idea of the confusion we go through with men fading away.
Just keep at it. Eventually one, two or more guys will ask to meet you, then you'll have a different set of worries to contend with!

My sister is of the opinion that some men like messaging and texting but get scared when it comes to the reality of dating - so they stop messaging before you can meet them in RL.

Only a few weeks but no dates or anything, plus I'm finding it really hard with some keeping a conversation going as they don't answer questions.

I've just heard of such great successes that I keep wondering what's wrong with me as to why I'm not doing well?

Ask questions I mean!

With the people who've had successes, I bet they've had to put up with some losers first.

Don't bother with those who don't answer your questions or ask you any. Imagine how awkward the conversation would be if you were to meet them in person!
Nothing wrong with you!
What site are you on by the way? Maybe that has something to do with it?

You're not doing anything wrong, bananas. Online dating requires a slightly ruthless and efficient approach - there's a mantra on the dating thread which includes 'it's all BS till something actually happens' and that's very true. There's an awful lot of chancers, bullshitters, players out there, you have to take no nonsense at all to weed them out - be glad when people stop messaging cos they would sure as hell have messed you around if you'd met; and don't get too invested in a possibility. Good luck!

Thank you ladies. I tried match but I hated it, so on POF and I actually prefer it as there's more men my type.

I'm wondering whether women daters should start posting photographs of themselves holding up a big fish; play the men at their own game.

I think POF is actually pretty good but you do need to do an awful lot of weeding!

The men I've met on there in person have all been quite cool (in my opinion). Mostly on there because it was free but that meant they actually had lives and weren't too desperate for a woman. They actually seemed not to want to rush into anything (no one night stands). Shame I felt no chemistry but I've stayed friends with two guys I met on there last year.

Match, I agree, is awful. OK Cupid, another free site is OK, not as good as POF, but you may want to join there so as to increase your chances. Beware of the dick pic on OK Cupid though, something I've never had the pleasure of experiencing on POF.

Just don't get emotionally involved, not even just a little bit, before you're actually in a relationship. It's hard not to imagine what going out with someone would be like after just a couple of messages or meetings.

Thanks for your posts. It doesn't help that I live in a town which doesn't have much presence on POF and the nearest people are like 30 mins away so it's not a case of meeting for a quick drink.

I think this time round I have probably had chats (of varying lengths) with probably around 40-50 guys before I have found one I click with conversation-wise and am actually excited about meeting. It really is a numbers game.

I'm now starting to be proper miffed. I messed a couple of other guys, they viewed my profile then never messaged back. Jeez what's wrong with me!!

Nothing is wrong with you banana. Online dating can take some work, and time. I was on POF on and off for three years or so - first eighteen months was a few dates nothing more, then I had a couple of three month dating relationships before meeting my boyfriend last August.

There are some arseholes on there. There are some timewasters. There are some married men. But there are some genuine guys.

You need a bit of a thick skin because of those that look and dont reply. You also need to be assertive - I used to message for two or three days tops before arranging a drink. If it didnt materilise I stopped. One or two strung me along with excuses and messages but I gave up or pulled them up on it (I found one or two were married, and admitted it when I pulled them on it!)

But sometimes you find a good one.

I've been with boyfriend since last August. I messaged him on a whim (usually what I would think would be out of my league, there's self esteem for you!) but one of my geeky pictures caught his eye. Within a day we had swapped numbers, rearranged stuff to have a date on the fifth day and eight months on have started introducing our children and thinking long term. POF worked for us, but I was on there nearly four years compared to his two weeks :-P

I'm also doing OD, but doing it The Rules way - i.e., I never:

• message guys first
• reply to messages that start just 'Hey' or 'Hi'
• get into long drawn-out messaging with someone if they haven't asked me for a date within 4 - 6 message exchanges.

I have to say, it's brutal but efficient!

Keep at it, it can definitely work. But maybe work on developing a thicker skin. There's nothing wrong with you, but just as everyone on a site won't be your type, you have to remember that you won't necessarily be everyone else's type.

Have you tried letting go of the 'type' thing altogether? I'm not suggesting you should settle for someone you have no physical attraction to, but maybe broaden your horizons beyond flexible.

Erm, from what I have gleaned,some guys just want to message sexually, inappropriately early, and get bored unless you explicitly make it clear you want to shag them. That's without even knowing them.

So some just disappear unless they think you're up for that. I know this from two women that have given up for this very reason. It means I've been put off from using dating websites because I know that many men behave like dicks and so make it extremely difficult for women to believe there's any value in them.

Bananas what you are experiencing is how online dating works for the vast majority of people. Unfortunately, you need a very thick skin and it is not for everyone. I'm a guy and would never ever go back there again.