Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In lust with another man

43 replies

PocketFullOfDreams · 11/04/2014 10:26

Ok, name changed for this.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have 2 children to my partner of 5 years. We haven't had the best relationship but for the last couple of years things have been going great. I'll be honest, for the first 3 years my partner treated me like shit, but i stuck around because at the time i was absolutely besotted with him, and all i wanted was for him to love me.

Fast forward to now, my partner would do anything to make me happy. He worships the ground i walk on and we are very happy. I have everything i wanted. We are even talking about marriage.

So why am i totally obsessed with somebody else?? This other guy is ALL i think about. I cant stop fantasizing about him. I want him.

The thing is, i know he wants me too, he's told me he does.

Nothing has ever happened. We don't have each others phone numbers or anything like that. And i would NEVER cheat on my partner. But the temptation is there, getting stronger. But i know i wouldn't because i have too much to lose and i would never want to hurt my partner.

What is wrong with me? :(

OP posts:
Original poster
PocketFullOfDreams · 11/04/2014 10:27

Don't even know why I'm posting tbh, think i just needed to write it down and tell somebody

OP posts:
Bitrustyandbusty · 11/04/2014 10:56

You want what you can't have? Thrill of the chase, maybe? It seems a bit like a pattern, sorry.

Stop engaging with this other man, give him no opportunity to tell you he wants you, or for you to tell him that. That's just blowing on the spark. Unless you want to leave your partner, now you've got him...

Good luck!

Original poster
PocketFullOfDreams · 11/04/2014 11:01

I don't even see this other man often, barely even know him to be honest, he's a friend of a friend. We only see each other in passing every now and again, but he once told me (when drunk) that he was jealous of my partner, and that if i was single he would want to be with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PocketFullOfDreams · 11/04/2014 11:02

I'm so attracted to him :(

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 11/04/2014 11:16

for the first 3 years my partner treated me like shit, but i stuck around because at the time i was absolutely besotted with him

It sounds like a pattern repeating itself. Maybe you should go to counselling to see if you can find out why?

Original poster
PocketFullOfDreams · 11/04/2014 11:22

I think ive always been a bit like this, getting besotted with people for a while. My partner is the only person who's managed to actually keep me interested

OP posts:
Allofaflumble · 11/04/2014 13:04

"Would want to be with me" in reality 99.9% means have sex with you and then move along.

I had an overwhelming attraction once to a builder who came to our house, felt a real zing about him, but that was it - I knew it was an insane thing that happens occasionally.

Do not act on this.

Original poster
PocketFullOfDreams · 11/04/2014 13:45

I have no intention of acting on it. But cant stop thinking about him, I'm properly obsessed, and every time i see him i get butterflies, and normally if somebody else was in this situation id be asking if there was something missing in their relationship but there is nothing missing in mine.

OP posts:
MadeMan · 11/04/2014 17:19

"...but he once told me (when drunk) that he was jealous of my partner, and that if i was single he would want to be with me."

I'll bet this has had a big impact on making you feel the way you do.

The guy was drunk. Guys say everything and anything when they're drunk and he probably wouldn't follow through with the idea anyway; at least not in any meaningful or worthwhile sense.

UtterFool · 11/04/2014 17:26

Oh no. I thought I had it bad so can only sympathise with your situation.

I'm not sure I'm fit to give any advice at all, as you know, so just wish you all the best and hope you find some closure on this soon.

UtterFool · 11/04/2014 17:28

Just to add though. I think your situation is worse as you know he's into you. For me, my crush has no idea and never will. I can see how much more difficult it is knowing that extra bit of information.

Monetbyhimself · 11/04/2014 17:31

The grass is normally greener on the other side because it's fertilised with bullshit.

Original poster
PocketFullOfDreams · 11/04/2014 17:38

Yes i hope you find some closure on your situation too utterfool its hard isn't it? You feel like you are already cheating :(

But yes, he's made it clear (not just when drunk btw) that he's very attracted to me also, which, like utterfool says, makes it even more difficult. I know that if i say the word something would happen between us

OP posts:
Original poster
PocketFullOfDreams · 11/04/2014 17:39

I know Monet i even use that quote myself, which is why I'm puzzled as to wtf is wrong with me.

OP posts:
MadeMan · 11/04/2014 17:50

"But yes, he's made it clear (not just when drunk btw) that he's very attracted to me also..."

If he's said it sober then it's a bit unfair of him really, almost as if he expects that you definitely will have an affair with him.

UtterFool · 11/04/2014 18:43

I agree with mademan. I mean, what is someone, who has a partner, supposed to do with that sort of information? It sounds to me he's looking for an affair or to split up a relationship.

I'm assuming he knows your with someone though OP?

PocketFullOfDreams

I know what you mean. It does feel like you're cheating already as your mind is on someone else. Can you avoid this guy in work?

Original poster
PocketFullOfDreams · 11/04/2014 19:08

Yes we don't work together, he's a friend of a friend. He knows i have a partner, he's seen me with him. I don't think he knew at first, when he first made a comment, then he saw us together and it was after that he said he was jealous of him, that my partner is a lucky man etc

OP posts:
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 12/04/2014 00:43

I once had a guy at work declare his undying love for me. It went from great mates to him telling me to leave dp for him and what he would do for me. Whilst it was tempting, as he was all romance and flowers and dp, well, wasn't, it just wasn't the love that I had for dp. I told dp all about it. I was hoping to get a reaction and an improvement in his behaviour. I thought him knowing that another man wanted me might buck his ideas up a bit. I don't know if it ever really worked bit it made me appreciate what I'd got.

MummyBeerest · 12/04/2014 00:58

It's always nice to be told you're attractive by someone you also find attractive. It's even normal to fantasize (I think, anyway) But lust is just that. ..lust. Fleeting, however fun it may be.

A long-term relationship has ups and downs. It'd pprobably be the same with this guy as it is with your DP now. Not all moonlight and roses and all.

Though it does sound like there may be underlying issues with your DP? Forgive me if I'm wrong.

beaglesaresweet · 12/04/2014 01:26

yep, you are attracted to unavailable men, very simple. You partner was that to start with (emotionally), and you were chasing - now you 'have' him.

EBearhug · 12/04/2014 01:29

It's nice to be told you're attractive, especially when it's reciprocal. And fantasizing is normal and can quite cheer the day up.

Just don't ruin a good fantasy by trying to make it reality.

arsenaltilidie · 12/04/2014 07:15

The old treat them mean to keep em keen.
Another woman who loves drama Hmm

Original poster
PocketFullOfDreams · 12/04/2014 08:45

I don't love drama. Who am i treating mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
PocketFullOfDreams · 12/04/2014 09:21

Just to be clear, this other man has absolutely no idea that i fancy him. The only people who actually know are one of my closest friends and people on Mumsnet.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 12/04/2014 10:49

I don't think for one moment that there is only one 'right person' in the world for each of us. We are all attracted to different people throughout our lives. That's normal. We meet, we 'click', we become friends.

Sometimes there is sexual chemistry too and those are the people that we would most likely become partners with. However, those of us already in monogamous relationships would just acknowledge that there is an attraction, acknowledge that there is nothing to be done about it and calmly move on.

Those people who are unhappy in their monogamous relationship might decide to end that relationship so that they can pursue a new one with the new attraction. And some people cheat.

I'm pretty sure that all these feelings of yours are quite usual. We've all had men show interest in us, I'm sure, and we just say, no thanks, I'm married, or whatever. That's it. There is nothing more to it really.